We’ve all had those interpersonal interactions we wish we could take back.  Those moments when you were tongue-tied and at a loss for words, or when you had all the wrong words …and said them.  I’m as guilty as the next person of re-arguing my point in my head for days, trying to make sense of a vulnerable moment, or misguided exchange.  If I’m being honest with myself, sometimes I’m doing it to be right, justifying my words in my own mind, even when there is no hope that what I said ever could be “right”.  It’s hard reliving your worst moments over and over again in your mind, especially since you can’t go back in time and change what happened.

It’s a human thing to want to re-run the tape, erase the bits you don’t like, and record a better outcome.  That’s essentially what our brain is trying to give us when it won’t let something go.  So, how to get out of the loop?  When we are replaying things in our mind and having a hard time getting them to stop it’s usually because there is still something we need.  In most cases it’s a way to put it to rest, and the best way to do that is through intention.  Here are three simple and specific things you can do to stop the loop, allowing you to let go and move on (cue the nourishing deep breath).

• Stop Doing:  Acknowledge what you should consider not doing, with respect to this particular person, situation or issue.  Often looping happens out of a misguided sense that you can “fix it”.  You can’t …but you can celebrate what you learned.  Remember the wise words of this gentleman: “I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.” Thomas A. Edison
  
• Start Doing:  Along the way you probably noted something you could have done differently that would have worked better.  Make a note, it could be something you can apply in other circumstances or areas of your life - never underestimate the power of a learning mind.  “In the beginner’s mind there are many possibilities, but in the expert’s, there are few” Shunryu Suzuki
  
• Continue to Do:  You are a good person; you had a bad moment and that moment should not define you.  There was likely something you did in this interaction that was the right action, for the right reason at the right time.  What was it?  Even if the end result was far from desired, don’t throw the proverbial baby out with the bath water – what should you continue to pay attention to and to do?
  

These three steps are most valuable when you choose to look at them through the lens of deep self-compassion.  Doing these three things will get the incident out of your head and free you from the energy-sucking loop of replaying a painful moment.

There was a time when I became really frustrated, living the story I kept telling to myself in my head. It wasn’t a good story, I kept repeating the awful bits on a perpetual loop (like when I screwed up and missed significant business opportunities).  I became really sick of myself.  But I also found myself clinging to this cycle because I felt if I didn’t acknowledge my mistake in a meaningful way, I wouldn’t have learned anything and I would end up repeating it.  Pivot on the word “meaningful”, as repetition doesn’t actually guarantee meaning, but it did suck a lot of energy out of me and erode my confidence.  Not the definition I hold of meaningful, but then I was in a different place when this happened.

I love the outlook that time gives us, as if your whole life were unfolding on a spiral staircase; traveling upward we can see where we have come from, and look at it with 360 degrees of perspective.  The only time you are not traveling upwards is when you get stuck.  It is lonely on that circular stairway when you are trapped with only yourself and self-judgement for company.  The best ways to get un-stuck are to move differently.  Here are five approachable ways to do this:

• Challenge your routine.  Commute to work via a different route, sit in a different place at the dinner table, or in meetings.  Brush your teeth with your non-dominate hand.  Making these changes literally gives you new perspectives, which goes a long way to helping you access new perspectives in your mind and life.
• Move in new ways.  Put on some music and move to it; feeling punchy and aggressive?  Rock it out.  Feeling mired and heavy, put on slow classical and sway to it.  Then, change the tempo of the music from what you started with and move to it.  Moving your body in intentional, but new, ways helps you to think differently.
• Ask someone you don’t know out for coffee.  Use the time to get to know someone better.  Ask this person questions (you may need to think these up ahead of time).  Get out of your own head and start a conversation to intentionally spend your time focused on someone else, and make a new contact in the process.
• Take a class.  It doesn’t have to be work related.  There are on-line free tutorials for everything from watercolor painting to learning how to skateboard.  If you prefer live events, check your local community/recreation offerings for cost effective options that let you try new things without a big financial investment.  Do this not with the intention to master something, but to embrace being a beginner.
• Volunteer your time.  Run a food drive at work, help out at a hospital book fair or offer your time to a local soup kitchen.  There is nothing like giving back to others to help you see and feel the good in you, and to appreciate that your life is pretty awesome just the way it is right now.

Connection is becoming a hot topic in the business world, there is no shortage of great videos, books and articles outlining how connection makes us better leaders and more engaged employees.  But if it were that easy, then everyone would be doing it (as the saying goes).  So, while connection is key to being able to love not just what you do, but who you do it with (and for), it’s also not as simple as it appears in the headlines.  As beautiful human beings we are wired for connection.  But what does that even mean?

Connection is unique to each of us – we all have our own distinctive way of connecting, and it begins with being deeply in touch with what you value, your principles and your commitment to living your life with those as your compass.  This is not something we are taught in school, seldom are we asked what our purpose in life is.  It’s a big question, and it evolves over time.  Early in our careers our purpose sounds a lot like “get a job in my field”.  Mid-career, your purpose gets more precise and meaningful.

Purpose drives connection to you, and we can only connect with others as deeply as we are connected to ourselves.  At work, that connection may feel tenuous or very conditional, especially if you have lost your way and are aimlessly working without a “north star” helping you orient to something meaningful in your work life.  A first step in being able to connect to others, is connecting to yourself.  What is your purpose?

The second step is being realistic about what connection really looks like.  It’s not all “kumbaya” and good vibes. Connection at work means a commitment to staying with what holds meaning for you, for your work and employer; having those all-important difficult conversations with the intention to get to win/win in a world of competing interests and deadlines.  Often, when we decide to pursue connection in our work and interpersonal lives, we think our good intentions and positive outlook are all we need.  Connection is a path filled with obstacles and it is those obstacles that allow connection to happen at all.  How?  Unless and until we go through something meaningful together, we are not able to connect with others.  Solving for obstacles together (disagreements, problems, constraints) is what fuels connection to others (at work and at home) even when we start on opposite sides of an issue.  It’s not just the willingness to reach out and talk, it’s the commitment to having difficult conversations and staying with an emotional field that doesn’t always feel comfortable (yours and others).  That is what creates connection.

Connection is key to working life happiness, first with yourself (your purpose) and then with others. What are you connected to in your work?