There it is, that hot, rising emotion...
Chances are you are not feeling angry as you read this right now, but it's happened to you before and (spoiler alert) it will happen to you again. It's part of being a beautiful human being. The good news is there are several ways you can help yourself to stay with your hot rising emotions AND thoughtfully navigate what is going on in the moment.
Did you know we react in one of four ways when we are angry?
As beautiful human beings when we are upset we either:
Confront | Justify | Abdicate | Withdraw
When you choose confrontation, you go for the "large and in charge" approach.
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Your emotions spill out of you (passively or aggressively), you change body position to make yourself larger (move in closer to the other person, put your arms out or place them on your hips, etc.). Your voice may get louder. Your muscles tense up, ready for a fight (verbally, or possibly physically). It is on!
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When you choose justification, you use excuses and manipulate context so you are not at fault.
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And perhaps you are not completely at fault, but with this approach you aren't listening or responding in ways that help to resolve the issue at hand. You don't want to own it (any of it) and that consumes your focus. Can't touch this!
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When you choose abdication, you are agreeing to what is being said as a way to quicken the close of this conversation.
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In this circumstance you want whatever this is to be over quickly, so you agree to whatever is said ("Yes, yes, you are right...") as a way to "parachute" yourself out of this confrontation. I'm so outta here!
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When you choose to withdraw (stop participating), you may become completely silent or "agree to disagree".
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Which leaves the mess right where it is and you then have to metaphorically "walk around it" for the rest of time. But hey, you didn't lose your cool, cry, or punch anyone. Not happening!
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Do you know what all four of these approaches have in common?
They are all designed so you don't have to feel your feelings.
No one likes to feel shame, vulnerability, anxiousness, disrespected, blame, etc. The way forward is to find a genuine way for you to respond to what is happening, which includes feeling those feelings and letting your anger tell you what is important to you. So how do you do that?
Name the emotion swirling around inside of you.
Naming your emotions gives you options.
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Naming it means you've acknowledge to yourself that you are experiencing an emotion (or emotions), which is an important step towards being responsive rather than reactive. It is very freeing to name the strong emotion you are feeling (try it).
You may do this mentally ("Oh, I am feeling really angry!"), or you may help another person to know you are experiencing one by saying "I understand what you've said and it's having a strong effect, please give me a moment." |
Use the pause.
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Giving yourself the time to let your emotional "field" clear is calming (whether that is a moment or two or by politely asking for 24 hours). It allows you to become more aware of what is important to you and why, so you are more fully prepared to re-enter the conversation with curiosity and an open mind (rather than from a place of strong emotion and reactivity).
Pausing gives the other party the same benefit. If you find you are struggling to get to calm (which is normal with anger) then commit to picking up the conversation when you are feeling more composed (pausing gives you this option). "I can see this is important to you, and I need some time to consider what you've said. Can we talk about this later today?" |
You can then decide what it is you really need.
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Reactions only serve one person, you. Responses take into account the wider context of what is going on.
Within a response you can consider what it is needed; both for yourself and for your relationship with the other party, allowing you to be both composed and objective so you can do this in a thoughtful way that respects both yourself and the other person. "I heard what you said and I appreciate that this is an important conversation for us to have..." |
Be compassionate. |
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First with yourself and then with others. We are all perfectly imperfect humans and none of us are consistently skillful at managing our strongest emotions. You are a good person, you responded strongly because underneath that storm of emotion is something you care deeply about (what is it?). This other person who is creating stress for you...they too are ALSO a good person and they too have something they care deeply about (use empathy to put yourself in their shoes and consider what that may be).
Look for the "also" to help you re-frame what is happening, giving you more access to objectivity. "I believe you care very deeply about this. I have a few questions and concerns I'd like to share with you..." |