Frustration is part of the human condition...
...but that doesn't mean you have to live with it. Let's look at frustration tolerance and the link between frustration tolerance and potential at work.
Frustration can happen anywhere; you don't control things like traffic, other people's perceptions/actions or the kids' play-off/practice/recital schedule.
Life happens.
Life happens.
Remember, you are more than a moment.
Frustration tolerance is your ability to handle a situation that causes you short-term discomfort but provides long-term benefits.
Of course you don't want to give up a weekend to attend to an emergency you not only didn't create, but tried to prevent. It would be understandable to want to say to your boss "Not my problem!". However, if you did that, it would be an example of low frustration tolerance; giving in to what feels good in the moment (but isn't the right action in the bigger picture).
Let's look at what leads to low frustration tolerance.
- Late Friday afternoon, your boss asks you to work over the week-end because of a looming inter-departmental deadline (that you have been raising red-flags on for weeks).
Of course you don't want to give up a weekend to attend to an emergency you not only didn't create, but tried to prevent. It would be understandable to want to say to your boss "Not my problem!". However, if you did that, it would be an example of low frustration tolerance; giving in to what feels good in the moment (but isn't the right action in the bigger picture).
Let's look at what leads to low frustration tolerance.
Frustration often leads to thought distortions, which can keep you from being the person you want to be in that moment.
Thought distortions are inaccurate thoughts that have one purpose: to reinforce unwelcome emotions.
Thought distortions sound like this (continuing with the example above):
These unhelpful statements (thought distortions) are brain candy; you may feel better expressing it, but it does nothing good for you (or your career). Yet, we all do it - it's part of being human.
- My boss is an idiot.
- Nope. I warned my boss about this, so they can deal with it without me.
- My boss couldn't find this deadline with both hands and a map.
- This is not how you run a successful company.
- This project is hopeless and will get me fired.
- This job sucks.
- OMG I screwed up BIG TIME!
- Put your thought distortion here...
These unhelpful statements (thought distortions) are brain candy; you may feel better expressing it, but it does nothing good for you (or your career). Yet, we all do it - it's part of being human.
Let's look at thought distortions, so you can better "ride the waves" of strong emotions.
Thought distortions create feelings that feel real, but are not true.
There are several ways we distort our thoughts, expanding and empowering unwelcome emotions. Let's look at them.
Black and White Thinking
Where things are either AMAZING!!! or TOTAL CRAP. Nothing in between.
Which statement(s) in the example above represent Black and White Thinking?
Where things are either AMAZING!!! or TOTAL CRAP. Nothing in between.
Which statement(s) in the example above represent Black and White Thinking?
Three-Inch Walnut Thinking (a.k.a. judgement)
You have figured it all out, know everything and are absolutely right all within the comfort of the three inch walnut that is your brain. No need to consult...or be objective, you are letting nothing disrupt the very clear story you are telling yourself right now.
Which statement(s) in the examples above represents Three-Inch Walnut Thinking?
You have figured it all out, know everything and are absolutely right all within the comfort of the three inch walnut that is your brain. No need to consult...or be objective, you are letting nothing disrupt the very clear story you are telling yourself right now.
Which statement(s) in the examples above represents Three-Inch Walnut Thinking?
Invisible Rules Thinking
To cope with the world around you, you create "rules" (sometimes very rigid rules) about what is acceptable and not acceptable based on your values (handily trotting out these rules ONLY when you are feeling vulnerable, angry and hurt)...and then assuming/expecting others around you are operating under those same rules and values (without even having had one conversation about them, hence the invisibility).
Which statement(s) in the examples above represents Invisible Rules Thinking?
To cope with the world around you, you create "rules" (sometimes very rigid rules) about what is acceptable and not acceptable based on your values (handily trotting out these rules ONLY when you are feeling vulnerable, angry and hurt)...and then assuming/expecting others around you are operating under those same rules and values (without even having had one conversation about them, hence the invisibility).
Which statement(s) in the examples above represents Invisible Rules Thinking?
Catastrophizing
Catastrophizing is the anxiety-producing-worst-case-scenario thinking that taps into our biggest fear, and then blows that fear up into an indisputable reality...at least in your own mind.
Which statement(s) in the examples above represents Catastrophizing?
Catastrophizing is the anxiety-producing-worst-case-scenario thinking that taps into our biggest fear, and then blows that fear up into an indisputable reality...at least in your own mind.
Which statement(s) in the examples above represents Catastrophizing?
Justification
This is a defensive move to protect something you want or value (like your free-time, using the example above). You justify your intentions and or actions because you don't want to confront the reality of what is really going on.
Which statement(s) in the examples above represent Justification?
This is a defensive move to protect something you want or value (like your free-time, using the example above). You justify your intentions and or actions because you don't want to confront the reality of what is really going on.
Which statement(s) in the examples above represent Justification?
'Eff It Thinking
Bad decisions often start with some version of this "magical" phrase; it's when you decide (in the heat of a distorted moment) not to care anymore. There was a country song that illustrates this well (sung by Johnny Paycheck) called "Take This Job and Shove It"...
Which statement(s) in the examples above represent 'Eff It Thinking?
Bad decisions often start with some version of this "magical" phrase; it's when you decide (in the heat of a distorted moment) not to care anymore. There was a country song that illustrates this well (sung by Johnny Paycheck) called "Take This Job and Shove It"...
Which statement(s) in the examples above represent 'Eff It Thinking?
"I'm Not Enough" Thinking
This one is scary, because with this thought distortion, you assume:
A. Your boss is right. B. Your boss knows more than you do and, C. You did something to bring this on yourself (whether you can see what exactly it was you did to deserve this is unclear, but you’re sure that you do...). To make reparations (and out of fear) you give in to whatever is being asked of you.
Which statement(s) in the examples above represents "I'm Not Enough" Thinking?
This one is scary, because with this thought distortion, you assume:
A. Your boss is right. B. Your boss knows more than you do and, C. You did something to bring this on yourself (whether you can see what exactly it was you did to deserve this is unclear, but you’re sure that you do...). To make reparations (and out of fear) you give in to whatever is being asked of you.
Which statement(s) in the examples above represents "I'm Not Enough" Thinking?
Riding those waves.
Oh, what a feeling!
The first part of riding emotional waves is to catch thought distortions in the act.
What does it feel like in your body when you think this way? Is your heart racing? Do your shoulders tighten? Do you clench your jaw or dig your nails into your palms? Feel is about naming the emotion(s) you are feeling, but it is also about tuning into your body and how it feels, as your body will respond physically before your brain has fully caught up emotionally.
This is an important step towards increasing frustration tolerance (catching frustration as it arises).
What does it feel like in your body when you think this way? Is your heart racing? Do your shoulders tighten? Do you clench your jaw or dig your nails into your palms? Feel is about naming the emotion(s) you are feeling, but it is also about tuning into your body and how it feels, as your body will respond physically before your brain has fully caught up emotionally.
This is an important step towards increasing frustration tolerance (catching frustration as it arises).
Taking feelings from "feels real" to "not true"
The goal isn't to avoid having thought distortions altogether (you don't get to choose to have, or not have one, they just happen). The goal is to work with your thought distortion(s) once you are aware it has arrived, taking what you are thinking from an emotional reaction, to a more objective point of view. The simplest and quickest way to do this is to add the word yet.
- My boss is an idiot. > My boss isn't experienced in this, yet.
- Nope. I warned my boss about this, so they can deal with it without me. > We don't know what the real solution is, yet.
- My boss couldn't find this deadline with both hands and a map. > My boss hasn't had time to process all of this, yet.
- This is not how you run a successful company. > Our organization isn't there, yet.
- This project is hopeless and will get me fired. > I don't really know what will happen, yet.
- This job sucks. > This job hasn't completely revealed itself, yet.
- OMG I screwed up BIG TIME! > I haven't figured out exactly what part I play in this, yet.
Right action.
Once you have added the yet, you can decide on a course of action. It may look like this (to complete our example):
"I can see you are very concerned about meeting this deadline. I am familiar with aspects of this project, and my understanding is there is more work here than one person can accomplish over a weekend; in fact, it needs several people’s expertise, not just mine, and my contributions to this work have been submitted. We will need a holistic approach to make sure we hand in quality work. Even if it were possible at this late time on a Friday to have everyone arrange their schedules to work this weekend, that is not enough time to do what we've been asked to do with integrity. Our path to success here will be to ask for a reasonable extension, and meet the next deadline. How can I support you in figuring out what a reasonable deadline extension would be so we can hit the ground running on Monday?"
"I can see you are very concerned about meeting this deadline. I am familiar with aspects of this project, and my understanding is there is more work here than one person can accomplish over a weekend; in fact, it needs several people’s expertise, not just mine, and my contributions to this work have been submitted. We will need a holistic approach to make sure we hand in quality work. Even if it were possible at this late time on a Friday to have everyone arrange their schedules to work this weekend, that is not enough time to do what we've been asked to do with integrity. Our path to success here will be to ask for a reasonable extension, and meet the next deadline. How can I support you in figuring out what a reasonable deadline extension would be so we can hit the ground running on Monday?"
Looking for more guidance on working with your emotions? Consider Think. Feel. Act.
Maturity is the ability to think, speak and act your feelings within the bounds of dignity. The measure of your maturity is how spiritual you become during the midst of your frustrations.
- Samuel Ullman
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