Thank-you so much for being here.
Words cannot describe how grateful I am that you'd like to support my book! I won't make you wait until it's all in a "readable" state. I'm sharing pieces of it here to give you a taste of what's coming.
I'm on track to publish in April, so soon you can have the whole book in your hands (all 7 chapters, plus reflection questions).
Below you'll find the introduction and first three chapters of the book. Let me know what most speaks to you about your favourite chapter.
I'm on track to publish in April, so soon you can have the whole book in your hands (all 7 chapters, plus reflection questions).
Below you'll find the introduction and first three chapters of the book. Let me know what most speaks to you about your favourite chapter.
Jump to the chapter you'd like to read:
Success Without the Self-Destruction: How to Quit The Burnout Club
Introduction
Being in a hospital bed always relaxes me.
I’m one of those people who has a really hard time setting aside my responsibilities and prioritizing myself. Unless I‘m in a health crisis and the choice is made for me, like
when I’m hooked up to an IV in pre-op. Ahh, the pre-op bed. It’s one of the very few places in life where we have no responsibilities and nothing to do. For me, it’s a huge relief. Being a priority is decided for me, without the guilt trip. This is why I find hospital beds relaxing. Maybe you do too?
Perpetually putting my welfare last on the list for most of my life means I found myself in a hospital bed every 3-5 years. My commitment to overtime and hard work perpetuated “on-again, off-again” debilitating pain that culminated in several surgeries, each with physio regimes and months-long recovery windows that were difficult but blissfully free from work. If you’re also longing for a hospital bed of your own, be careful what you wish for. If you’re dreaming of a medical procedure so you can let go of everything and truly relax, you’re on the verge of burning out. Or maybe you’re already there, just waiting for your symptoms to tip you into being admitted to the hospital (and finally work-free). Only people who are burning out, dream of the day they get their doctor’s orders to stop work. An illness can look like the welcome permission to drop heavy responsibilities fault-free, even if it comes with a hospital stay.
A doctor’s order is respected by everyone. No one questions your motives or expects you to be back to work the next day. You need rest. Your doctor said so - in writing! When you’re healing or in the hospital, people happily volunteer to do your work for you. In some cases, it’s the same people who would otherwise dodge your calls or say “no” if you weren’t medically required to step away from work urgently. It’s permission to be first for a while, without shame. Plus, when you’re away long enough, there’s no mountain of work waiting for you upon your return. It’s something I always looked forward to, almost like having a clean slate.
For me, surgery was the only thing that provided this “bliss state,” my Get-Out-of-Work-Free card, where I could let the world go on without me for 6-8 weeks. Any anxiety I might have experienced was taken care of with the pre-op drugs, designed to make it feel like everything was alright (and boy, do they work well!). My burnt-out brain couldn’t feel that way on its own, especially not about work. Because, sadly, you can get hurt working a desk job.
If you’re experiencing burnout, your brain may be like that, too. Reading this may make you feel relieved, because now you know you’re not alone in dreaming about the future when you finally get to relax in a hospital bed. Or, you may be horrified by what I’ve just shared, realizing hospitalizations are serious, which is really how everyone who reads this should react. But here’s the thing - only those who aren’t nearing complete burnout will be horrified; the rest of us will just pretend to be horrified because it’s the correct social response. Because the truth is we feel a hospital stay is less scary than our deadlines and in-boxes. If that’s you, there’s no need to pretend: Welcome to The Burnout Club.
I’m not trying to glamorize burning out by making it into a club. Clubs should be fun, and this one is anything but fun. If it were an actual club, we’d have over half a billion members worldwide – that’s how prevalent burnout is in today’s society and in our workplaces. Surveys show 1 out of every 3 employees feels burnt out or at risk for burnout. Of course, unacknowledged burnout is very likely to put us in a hospital bed, and is directly linked to health problems like heart disease, auto-immune disease, ulcers, and chronic fatigue syndrome (just to name a few).
Being burnt out and being unaware of it means it's a long, difficult journey to get back to being yourself, a journey I want to ensure no one has to take without a guide. When you’ve ignored your own emotional needs for too long, your body takes over and forces you to become the priority through illness. And there’s a catch no one talks about: healing physically is not the same as healing emotionally. Unless you do both, you’re going to burn out not once but several times and bear the health costs to prove it.
Burnout is a complicated condition that has several contributing factors, professional and personal. The kind of burnout that has you at your doctor’s office or the emergency room happens when you lose the emotional connection to yourself and your needs languish in the storm of everything that has to get done no matter how you feel. It happens at work and at home. This level of burnout means your body will try desperately to get your attention through pain and ill health with things like mysterious rashes, body aches, and the re-emergence of conditions you used to have managed (like high blood pressure, sleeplessness, etc.). It will do this to draw attention to your needs so you start listening to them - both the emotional and physical so you begin to care for yourself - even when that means letting something fail or letting someone down.
Being emotionally connected to yourself is vitally important to your well-being. However, it’s not something that’s talked about or taught in schools. So, we ignore it, never realizing that the loss of connection to your emotional needs is the reason you’re burnt out. It’s the common thread in all the burnout stories I’ve collected while researching this book to connect the dots around the root causes of burnout for all of us. Here’s what I’ve discovered: The loss of emotional connection predicates the physical signs of burnout. It played a starring role in my own recurring burnout story. But there is even more to this than a loss of connection.
My research also shed light on the fact that when we put others or work first, sabotaging our boundaries, expecting things of ourselves we'd NEVER ask of others, we don’t even realize we’re doing it. Our emotional disconnect is invisible to us. What’s more, the majority of us suffer silently because we don’t know about emotional hygiene or how to care for ourselves through connection. Work, family, and organizations will quickly consume the gap between your wellness and illness when there’s no voice to defend it, and it takes a strong emotional connection to yourself to effectively defend your need for well-being in the storm of persistent demands on your time and emotional energy. When you lose the emotional connection to yourself, things get really painful. It gets worse the longer it goes unrecognized and unchecked. In addition to the physical pain from sustained stress and pressure, you may also feel like you’re constantly failing something or someone. This then adds to your emotional load by feeling taken advantage of or like you need to be perfect to be successful. In some cases, my clients have said they felt like a disappointment when they couldn’t “do it all” (never once questioning whether or not it was even possible to “do it all”). These are the signs of emotional disconnection. The collateral damage created by this disconnect is to your self-confidence, self-esteem, self-respect, and self-acceptance. Sadly, this can then drive you to work harder, perpetuating the cycle of physical and emotional disconnect. Painful. That’s one reason to make this topic visible and unignorable.
The other? Burnout is 100% preventable. This is exciting news, but exactly how to prevent burnout is a complicated topic, as there are no health guides for what is and isn’t burnout and no clear way to diagnose it. And everyone’s path to burnout is different, as unique as their lives and careers.
Because burnout is invisible, we often mistake it for something else. The signs and symptoms of burnout are consistent with many other health concerns, like (peri)menopause, anemia, the side effects of some medications, and lurking illness. Additionally, you may question if what you’re experiencing is burnout or something else, like insomnia, postpartum, or just poor time management skills. You may feel that everyone has problems remembering things sometimes. Everyone loses their temper now and then. It’s natural to feel fatigued when you’re really busy. It’s normal to want to win the lottery so you can tell your boss to take their job and shove it somewhere. These are the great, complicated perspectives I want to explore with you in the pages that follow because they keep burnout under the radar, silently eroding your confidence and quality of life.
Here’s some good news: You already know what you need to do to prevent burnout; you’ve probably given others advice about burnout that you’re not taking. And, if your intuition has been talking to you about your risks, it’s the sign you’ve been waiting for. It means it’s time to make your well-being the priority, no matter how inconvenient that is for others. It’s time to take control of your future, so you don’t compromise your ability to choose what’s right for you - or your confidence or your quality of life. Leaving it up to burnout to decide when you “get” to step away from work takes all your power away; you don’t get to decide if it’s exhaustion or a heart attack that takes you out. Yes, you may be exercising regularly and eating well, but that is not enough to save you from falling off the burnout cliff. But I do understand that it’s complicated to see burnout in yourself, and so much easier to see it in others.
Yet in all that complication are the clues to understanding and preventing burnout. It all starts with how we get disconnected from ourselves (and ignore our intuition) in the first place, and why physical wellness is not enough to fully heal from, nor prevent, burnout. Since that’s the common thread, let’s follow it and see where it goes. Together, let’s unlock the silent pain of burnout, bringing it into the light to ensure your needs become your priority long before you end up in a hospital bed (and without ugly consequences like blowing up your relationships or sabotaging your career). That’s the promise I deliver in this book.
Along the way, I’ll trace the origins and causes of professional burnout, looking at the collateral health damage and growing health crisis it’s creating. I’ll explore the way organizations contribute to the burnout epidemic, and what that means for your well-being. I’ll share the simple but untapped techniques to maintain that vital emotional connection to yourself in challenging circumstances, so you can advocate for your needs with clarity and confidence.
I will explain why sSelf-care is not enough to keep you from burning out and why changing jobs is not the answer you think it is to avoid burnout. What sets this book apart from others on the topic is that we’ll explore the unspoken truths about the modern workplace and how they impact your career, as well as all the things you have in your control that can ensure you enjoy the success you’ve worked so hard to achieve; so you can have a career AND a life you love.
You see, I want to help you be successful without the self-destruction. I want you to enjoy Sunday nights without a gnawing dread for Monday. I want to show you how to free yourself from working evenings and weekends off-line in “stealth mode” just so you can keep up. I want to help you ensure there’ll be fewer missed life events and more family moments, deep sleeps, restorative vacations, and leisurely weekends off. What I want this book to give you is the ability to relax and recharge on your terms, so you live your one precious and amazing life to the fullest. Let’s remove the physical and emotional pain that can lead to chronic illness and sideline your retirement dreams through ill health or financial loss. No one should feel a hospital bed is their best option for rest. I’m living proof you can build a life and career that doesn’t have to include burnout, and so are my many clients.
Work isn’t optional for most of us, but it doesn’t mean it should harm us. That’s why I felt compelled to write this book. Along with my personal burnout experience, I have unspoken insider knowledge from my 20-year experience as a human resource professional and leader in the corporate trenches. And for the last 10 years working privately as a facilitator and certified Integral Master Coach. I founded Love Your Working Life in 2013, which has helped hundreds of professionals build a work life they can love. We’re all in this together, so let's make our one precious and amazing life full of meaningful experiences and way more love.
Let’s get started on the promise I’ve made to you, exploring what burnout is (and isn’t) and unmasking the many contributors to professional burnout along with the simple ways to overcome them. We’ll begin by identifying what those invasive and often invisible influences are, so you can see them too and kick their ass.
I’m one of those people who has a really hard time setting aside my responsibilities and prioritizing myself. Unless I‘m in a health crisis and the choice is made for me, like
when I’m hooked up to an IV in pre-op. Ahh, the pre-op bed. It’s one of the very few places in life where we have no responsibilities and nothing to do. For me, it’s a huge relief. Being a priority is decided for me, without the guilt trip. This is why I find hospital beds relaxing. Maybe you do too?
Perpetually putting my welfare last on the list for most of my life means I found myself in a hospital bed every 3-5 years. My commitment to overtime and hard work perpetuated “on-again, off-again” debilitating pain that culminated in several surgeries, each with physio regimes and months-long recovery windows that were difficult but blissfully free from work. If you’re also longing for a hospital bed of your own, be careful what you wish for. If you’re dreaming of a medical procedure so you can let go of everything and truly relax, you’re on the verge of burning out. Or maybe you’re already there, just waiting for your symptoms to tip you into being admitted to the hospital (and finally work-free). Only people who are burning out, dream of the day they get their doctor’s orders to stop work. An illness can look like the welcome permission to drop heavy responsibilities fault-free, even if it comes with a hospital stay.
A doctor’s order is respected by everyone. No one questions your motives or expects you to be back to work the next day. You need rest. Your doctor said so - in writing! When you’re healing or in the hospital, people happily volunteer to do your work for you. In some cases, it’s the same people who would otherwise dodge your calls or say “no” if you weren’t medically required to step away from work urgently. It’s permission to be first for a while, without shame. Plus, when you’re away long enough, there’s no mountain of work waiting for you upon your return. It’s something I always looked forward to, almost like having a clean slate.
For me, surgery was the only thing that provided this “bliss state,” my Get-Out-of-Work-Free card, where I could let the world go on without me for 6-8 weeks. Any anxiety I might have experienced was taken care of with the pre-op drugs, designed to make it feel like everything was alright (and boy, do they work well!). My burnt-out brain couldn’t feel that way on its own, especially not about work. Because, sadly, you can get hurt working a desk job.
If you’re experiencing burnout, your brain may be like that, too. Reading this may make you feel relieved, because now you know you’re not alone in dreaming about the future when you finally get to relax in a hospital bed. Or, you may be horrified by what I’ve just shared, realizing hospitalizations are serious, which is really how everyone who reads this should react. But here’s the thing - only those who aren’t nearing complete burnout will be horrified; the rest of us will just pretend to be horrified because it’s the correct social response. Because the truth is we feel a hospital stay is less scary than our deadlines and in-boxes. If that’s you, there’s no need to pretend: Welcome to The Burnout Club.
I’m not trying to glamorize burning out by making it into a club. Clubs should be fun, and this one is anything but fun. If it were an actual club, we’d have over half a billion members worldwide – that’s how prevalent burnout is in today’s society and in our workplaces. Surveys show 1 out of every 3 employees feels burnt out or at risk for burnout. Of course, unacknowledged burnout is very likely to put us in a hospital bed, and is directly linked to health problems like heart disease, auto-immune disease, ulcers, and chronic fatigue syndrome (just to name a few).
Being burnt out and being unaware of it means it's a long, difficult journey to get back to being yourself, a journey I want to ensure no one has to take without a guide. When you’ve ignored your own emotional needs for too long, your body takes over and forces you to become the priority through illness. And there’s a catch no one talks about: healing physically is not the same as healing emotionally. Unless you do both, you’re going to burn out not once but several times and bear the health costs to prove it.
Burnout is a complicated condition that has several contributing factors, professional and personal. The kind of burnout that has you at your doctor’s office or the emergency room happens when you lose the emotional connection to yourself and your needs languish in the storm of everything that has to get done no matter how you feel. It happens at work and at home. This level of burnout means your body will try desperately to get your attention through pain and ill health with things like mysterious rashes, body aches, and the re-emergence of conditions you used to have managed (like high blood pressure, sleeplessness, etc.). It will do this to draw attention to your needs so you start listening to them - both the emotional and physical so you begin to care for yourself - even when that means letting something fail or letting someone down.
Being emotionally connected to yourself is vitally important to your well-being. However, it’s not something that’s talked about or taught in schools. So, we ignore it, never realizing that the loss of connection to your emotional needs is the reason you’re burnt out. It’s the common thread in all the burnout stories I’ve collected while researching this book to connect the dots around the root causes of burnout for all of us. Here’s what I’ve discovered: The loss of emotional connection predicates the physical signs of burnout. It played a starring role in my own recurring burnout story. But there is even more to this than a loss of connection.
My research also shed light on the fact that when we put others or work first, sabotaging our boundaries, expecting things of ourselves we'd NEVER ask of others, we don’t even realize we’re doing it. Our emotional disconnect is invisible to us. What’s more, the majority of us suffer silently because we don’t know about emotional hygiene or how to care for ourselves through connection. Work, family, and organizations will quickly consume the gap between your wellness and illness when there’s no voice to defend it, and it takes a strong emotional connection to yourself to effectively defend your need for well-being in the storm of persistent demands on your time and emotional energy. When you lose the emotional connection to yourself, things get really painful. It gets worse the longer it goes unrecognized and unchecked. In addition to the physical pain from sustained stress and pressure, you may also feel like you’re constantly failing something or someone. This then adds to your emotional load by feeling taken advantage of or like you need to be perfect to be successful. In some cases, my clients have said they felt like a disappointment when they couldn’t “do it all” (never once questioning whether or not it was even possible to “do it all”). These are the signs of emotional disconnection. The collateral damage created by this disconnect is to your self-confidence, self-esteem, self-respect, and self-acceptance. Sadly, this can then drive you to work harder, perpetuating the cycle of physical and emotional disconnect. Painful. That’s one reason to make this topic visible and unignorable.
The other? Burnout is 100% preventable. This is exciting news, but exactly how to prevent burnout is a complicated topic, as there are no health guides for what is and isn’t burnout and no clear way to diagnose it. And everyone’s path to burnout is different, as unique as their lives and careers.
Because burnout is invisible, we often mistake it for something else. The signs and symptoms of burnout are consistent with many other health concerns, like (peri)menopause, anemia, the side effects of some medications, and lurking illness. Additionally, you may question if what you’re experiencing is burnout or something else, like insomnia, postpartum, or just poor time management skills. You may feel that everyone has problems remembering things sometimes. Everyone loses their temper now and then. It’s natural to feel fatigued when you’re really busy. It’s normal to want to win the lottery so you can tell your boss to take their job and shove it somewhere. These are the great, complicated perspectives I want to explore with you in the pages that follow because they keep burnout under the radar, silently eroding your confidence and quality of life.
Here’s some good news: You already know what you need to do to prevent burnout; you’ve probably given others advice about burnout that you’re not taking. And, if your intuition has been talking to you about your risks, it’s the sign you’ve been waiting for. It means it’s time to make your well-being the priority, no matter how inconvenient that is for others. It’s time to take control of your future, so you don’t compromise your ability to choose what’s right for you - or your confidence or your quality of life. Leaving it up to burnout to decide when you “get” to step away from work takes all your power away; you don’t get to decide if it’s exhaustion or a heart attack that takes you out. Yes, you may be exercising regularly and eating well, but that is not enough to save you from falling off the burnout cliff. But I do understand that it’s complicated to see burnout in yourself, and so much easier to see it in others.
Yet in all that complication are the clues to understanding and preventing burnout. It all starts with how we get disconnected from ourselves (and ignore our intuition) in the first place, and why physical wellness is not enough to fully heal from, nor prevent, burnout. Since that’s the common thread, let’s follow it and see where it goes. Together, let’s unlock the silent pain of burnout, bringing it into the light to ensure your needs become your priority long before you end up in a hospital bed (and without ugly consequences like blowing up your relationships or sabotaging your career). That’s the promise I deliver in this book.
Along the way, I’ll trace the origins and causes of professional burnout, looking at the collateral health damage and growing health crisis it’s creating. I’ll explore the way organizations contribute to the burnout epidemic, and what that means for your well-being. I’ll share the simple but untapped techniques to maintain that vital emotional connection to yourself in challenging circumstances, so you can advocate for your needs with clarity and confidence.
I will explain why sSelf-care is not enough to keep you from burning out and why changing jobs is not the answer you think it is to avoid burnout. What sets this book apart from others on the topic is that we’ll explore the unspoken truths about the modern workplace and how they impact your career, as well as all the things you have in your control that can ensure you enjoy the success you’ve worked so hard to achieve; so you can have a career AND a life you love.
You see, I want to help you be successful without the self-destruction. I want you to enjoy Sunday nights without a gnawing dread for Monday. I want to show you how to free yourself from working evenings and weekends off-line in “stealth mode” just so you can keep up. I want to help you ensure there’ll be fewer missed life events and more family moments, deep sleeps, restorative vacations, and leisurely weekends off. What I want this book to give you is the ability to relax and recharge on your terms, so you live your one precious and amazing life to the fullest. Let’s remove the physical and emotional pain that can lead to chronic illness and sideline your retirement dreams through ill health or financial loss. No one should feel a hospital bed is their best option for rest. I’m living proof you can build a life and career that doesn’t have to include burnout, and so are my many clients.
Work isn’t optional for most of us, but it doesn’t mean it should harm us. That’s why I felt compelled to write this book. Along with my personal burnout experience, I have unspoken insider knowledge from my 20-year experience as a human resource professional and leader in the corporate trenches. And for the last 10 years working privately as a facilitator and certified Integral Master Coach. I founded Love Your Working Life in 2013, which has helped hundreds of professionals build a work life they can love. We’re all in this together, so let's make our one precious and amazing life full of meaningful experiences and way more love.
Let’s get started on the promise I’ve made to you, exploring what burnout is (and isn’t) and unmasking the many contributors to professional burnout along with the simple ways to overcome them. We’ll begin by identifying what those invasive and often invisible influences are, so you can see them too and kick their ass.
Chapter 1
It’s Not You (It’s Work)
Our conversation started with a sigh of resignation. Ginny, my new client, exhaled deeply and relaxed enough to say what she was really feeling. “I’m just waiting until my doctor tells me I need to go on leave for exhaustion, and the way work is going right now, that won’t be long.” If you’d glimpsed Ginny at your local coffee shop, you’d have no idea she was suffering; she was the picture of health and success. Ginny worked as a lawyer in a large firm where making partner was on her career agenda.
But the path to get there was proving punishing; long hours, high expectations, competitive co-workers, and high-demand clients were taking their toll. Plus, there was the “second shift” at home with 2 young kids and a spouse on disability – even her expertly applied makeup couldn’t completely hide the circles under her eyes. Ginny was being pulled apart. Quitting wasn’t an option, even though practicing law was no longer Ginny’s passion. Making partner would take the pressure off; it paid well, and she’d have more control over her hours and workload. What really excited Ginny about becoming partner was being able to support the up-and-coming lawyers in their firm. But first, she had to survive what was on her plate today, and right now, her long-game strategy was to burn out. Again.
The last time she burned out, it took her 6 weeks to get healthy, and every time she left on leave, she admitted it knocked back her chances of becoming partner. We were working together because her firm wanted to support Ginny’s career advancement. Ginny flatly stated she didn’t have time for coaching, yet our first conversation was a turning point. Hearing Ginny share her burnout experience, and the health and career implications, I was moved by how powerless she was. I asked her how it would feel to make partner without burning out? She burst into tears. Then, embarrassed by emotion she didn’t know was there, Ginny got angry at the whole circumstance she found herself in.
Despite the discouraging start to our work together, Ginny’s reaction gave me hope. Let me tell you why. She knows she’s burning out; her intuition and her body have been silently screaming this for a while, so that’s not news. What is news is Ginny’s newly awakened realization that it doesn’t have to be this way. She can make partner without self-destructing. Ginny is not alone; burnout has become a “badge of honor” many professional women feel is just a necessary part of being successful in demanding roles and organizations. So, despite what most of us already know about the state of our well-being (myself included), we aren’t listening to our intuition or our bodies. Do you ever wonder why?
I’m super curious about this because I believe every single one of us gets out of bed each and every day to do our best. If we can’t, we don’t go to work (because we’re bedridden). So, we go to work unwell expecting to do our best, despite what our intuition is telling us. The common belief is that if we can go to work and function, we’re not really that unwell to begin with. It’s become a common belief because no one taught us to measure the cost of going to work when our well-being is compromised, but our health isn’t. No one sets off in life to work themselves to death, trapped by their chosen career.
Of course, physical health is not the only way to measure well-being, something I learned the hard way after I continually pushed myself to go to work simply because I wasn’t feverish or throwing up. I ignored my intuition which knew very well my well-being was compromised. This led to a cycle of burning out, doing it not once but several times throughout my career (each episode taking more and more out of me). The last time I was lying in a hospital bed just waiting for the pain meds to kick in, I started to think that there has to be a better way to work, because I didn’t have any more of these cycles left to give. So, I paid more attention to what supported and what sabotaged well-being at work, not just for me, but for my friends, family and now for my clients. I discovered there are reasons why we don’t listen to our intuition despite knowing what the outcome will be.
These reasons have nothing to do with having a weak constitution, imposter syndrome, lack of experience or needing to be flawless to be recognized in a field of high-status colleagues. There are some very specific contributing factors that explain why you still go to work when you know it’s the last thing your well-being needs, and it’s time to call them out. Let’s start at the very beginning: in childhood. This deeply formative time of life has more influence on our risks for burnout and our ability to prevent it than many of us realize.
Work + Values
Your experiences as a child, from your parent’s approach to work to the socioeconomic story of your family, all sow the seeds for your work ethic and expectations about contributing to something meaningful (a purpose, your family, etc.). These experiences form the basis of your values and any biases about work (conscious and unconscious) that support or sabotage your well-being throughout your career and life, establishing your risk for burnout. So, how do we get from childhood to being at risk for burnout?
Work ethic. This phrase is an expletive in my world, and yet it’s an “ethic” we all have.
Growing up, we hear a lot of messages about work and having a work ethic. “Be responsible.” “Be accountable.” “You need a good work ethic.” “Hard work leads to success.” These messages are meant to support our success, but do they really achieve that end? Of course, they influence how you follow the example set by your parents and role models, sometimes without even knowing it (or against your better judgment). As with many caregiver influences, we respond in ways that are unique to us but predictable to humans; in the case of work ethic, there are four typical ways we do this:
Work ethic as a concept seems simple enough. It’s been around for a long time, and everyone has their own interpretation of what “work ethic” means. Most of us learn what it means to our careers because it’s referenced as a good thing, but in practicality often means sacrificing something you hold dear to maintain status at work. It’s used as a way to guide people into choosing what’s right for their organization, but may not necessarily be what’s right for themselves. So, does the risk for burnout lie in our approach to work, or our work ethic? This can be a very “chicken or egg” question, one I have been grappling with for years, first as a human resource (HR) professional and now as a career coach. To ensure you and I are on the same page as we feel our way through this, we need a shared definition of work ethic. I define work ethic as:
Of course, not all organizations force a choice between productivity and thriving at work, but some professions and organizations do in fact pit productivity against well-being, creating a twisted version of “Sophie’s Choice” for employees. When there’s an organizational focus on productivity, it can drive unhelpful management behaviors with respect to work/career expectations, expressed as “work ethic.” When organizations take a productivity-first approach to work without counterbalancing it with wellness responsibility, the collateral damage to humans is significant. Yet it’s invisible; the damage is inflicted under the surface, at an emotional level, impacting individuals’ confidence and trust in themselves. What I’ve witnessed demonstrates that until we re-examine our connection to the work ethic ethos and encourage different conversations and approaches with respect to our ways of working, we’re going to keep burning people out like they’re incandescent light bulbs.
Work + Money
We’re going to talk about money because it’s a significant burnout factor. We all need a reliable income to live our best life, so of course, it’s an important consideration in our careers; there’s a lot riding on a job that pays for your standard of living. Socioeconomics silently shape our behaviors and burnout risk, but unless you’re an economist, this isn’t something you’re likely thinking about. Yet, it has an enormous influence on your approach to work. My definition of socioeconomic influence is this:
Living well today is more than possible, but all of us have witnessed what can happen to someone’s standard of living when employment gets precarious and finances are stretched thin. It breaks financial security: It can also break up families. It can even break someone’s health. When we witness these experiences growing up within our own families and in the families of others, they form beliefs around the required trade-offs between work and well-being. We don’t think to question these beliefs that seem to have always been with us, like the air we breathe. The beliefs say, “Keep yourself employed, or you may lose your treasured lifestyle. Don’t risk everything you hold dear”. These thoughts contribute to the pressure and stress that create burnout risk.
Social and economic influences weigh heavy today, especially with messages such as, “Hard work is its own reward.” “Others will notice when your work is good.” “Don’t show weakness at work (or you may get fired).” “You have to go along to get along.”
These are mindsets modeled for us in childhood, teaching us how to be “successful” (as if there is only one way to get there, and it involves giving our power away). So, consciously or unconsciously, many of us carry these mindsets forward, influencing our ability to care for ourselves at work and in life. In contrast, what if these were statements you heard consistently growing up: “It’s healthy to take breaks during the day.” “Getting tired is a sign you need to rest, and that’s important.” “You know your limits better than anyone, so listen to them.”
Would that change the way you learned to care for and advocate for yourself as an adult?
A step towards figuring out how to have both your career and life support your emotional and physical well-being is recognizing your patterns based on what was present and what was absent in your childhood. How might these patterns be pitting your definition of success against your well-being? There’s room for both success and well-being in a thriving career, but it doesn’t just “happen.” Here’s why.
Work + Expectations
The impact work has on your well-being, the way work and life complement or compromise each other was probably never discussed in detail while you were growing up. Burnout likely never came up as a topic of dinner conversation. There is a natural conflict that arises between looking after your well-being while also being committed to having a career and a life that includes relationships. There are only so many hours in a day. The question becomes, why do these necessary things have to be at odds with each other? In a modern workplace, they often are, which has an impact on our mental health.
Mental health wasn’t always on the agenda in the past. As a kid, if someone your family knew had to step back from work for mental health reasons, there may have been compassion, but also some variation on the comment, “They’d better smarten up and get back to work!” expressing fear for this person’s employability. We cringe at this characterization of someone’s health needs today, yet stigma persists, and the fear is real. This is why many professionals have serious concerns about taking time off to meet their well-being needs or even reducing their working hours to a consistent 35-40 hours per week. Here’s why: You don’t have unconditional love at work. This relationship is very conditional. This is why many professionals think twice about proactively reducing their work commitments. They worry about taking the time they need to heal and get healthy when burnout (or other illness) occurs. The question looms: Could taking on less work, reducing my commitments, or stepping back from my job negatively influence my future career advancement or even my employability? Your intuition just answered that question, didn’t it? And I bet it screamed YES.
While society is generally more educated and compassionate about mental health, many employers still don’t take into account the need for emotional well-being at work. There is little concern for the systemic impacts on overall well-being that a workplace can present. All too often, there is unchecked demand for productivity either through naively optimistic strategic expectations or intentional practices that leave little room for discussion about individual needs. It doesn’t matter which. Either increase burnout risk in a workforce. If someone steps back for wellness reasons, questions are always raised that feed into the stereotype and stigma. This bias is not as apparent as it has been in the past, but is still enough to make us all think twice before taking our doctor’s advice and proactively asking for what we need at work as a preventative measure against burnout and other illnesses. Sadly, you can get hurt over-committing to a desk job.
Sometimes, it’s our own beliefs and expectations that we “should” cope with what’s essentially harming us at work, whether it’s a toxic working environment, a terrible boss, or a high-demand workload. Regardless of what’s creating unrelenting stress at work, it’s all increasing our risk for burnout. There’s a phrase most of us use when it’s like this at work: It’s “fine,” as in: “It’s been really busy at work, but it’s fine.” The next time you catch yourself saying, “it’s fine,” ask your intuition if it’s really “fine.”
This is the “cost” of both an unexamined work ethic and socioeconomic concerns, which set the stage for how you approach work and the challenges it presents today. These expectations are carried forward not just from a career perspective but a family one as well. When my mom re-entered the workforce after my 2 siblings and I were in school, she worked full-time and still did the vast majority of the shopping, meal planning, cooking, laundry, and emotional labor (comforting us, chasing us to get our homework and chores done, etc.). It was the “norm” for the time, but the reality was she just added another 35 hours a week to the full-time job she already had at home. I never thought to question this approach until I had my own demanding career and young family and realized how bullshit carrying on with the same expectations really was. I decided I was NOT going to be the mom you could call at work to help you find lost things, but this was not an easy decision for me to take as I had to turn my back on the expectations and the modeled behavior I enjoyed growing up.
Expectations play a key role in determining your burnout risk. This goes for both the expectations of others and those you put on yourself. These expectations are rooted in childhood. It’s important to look at them without judgment. The experiences that set your expectations of yourself are what they are. There’s no one to blame here. It helps to recognize that everyone - your parents, grandparents, caregivers, etc. - did what they could to the best of their abilities. Whether your work ethic and response to socioeconomic influences is similar to your parents’ or is completely different, that approach was seeded in you during childhood. It’s something you’re using to accept and set the expectations you’re trying to meet, and using all this to make decisions that, consciously or unconsciously, influence your risk for burnout. But it may not be the only thing impacting your wellness because expectations, socioeconomic pressure, and work ethic can create the conditions for a form of trauma, and sadly, that’s not an exaggeration.
Work + Trauma
If you work in a high-pressure, precarious, or demanding role you have trauma. I see you frowning at that statement. I used to feel that way too before I learned what trauma really is. Trauma is a word we hear often. It’s a confusing concept because our society uses this word to describe so many things: heinous acts of personal defilement alongside descriptions of how a scene in a movie made you feel. “When the dog died, I was so traumatized!” Let’s examine it, because it’s playing a role in workplace wellness and burnout risk.
Trauma is a spectrum that covers many experiences, but here’s a way to identify with it that fits real life. Dr. Gabor Maté[i], MD, author and expert on trauma and healing, identifies two types of traumas which I’ll paraphrase:
Both types create stress that can be ever-present, reducing our capacity to bounce back from setbacks, access confidence, or feel like we belong. In his book The Myth of Normal, Dr. Maté explores our society’s collective perception of trauma, revealing that few among us experience big “T” trauma (thankfully). However, what gets minimized in our perception of trauma is the impact of frequent/persistent small “t” trauma. You may think if what’s hurting you isn’t incapacitating, if it isn’t as bad as what others have faced (big “T” trauma), it isn’t a big deal, right? That depends on the prevalence and frequency of small “t” trauma.
Here’s how I define trauma in its most basic form:
I truly believe that we are all good enough, even when we’re not at our best.
But the path to get there was proving punishing; long hours, high expectations, competitive co-workers, and high-demand clients were taking their toll. Plus, there was the “second shift” at home with 2 young kids and a spouse on disability – even her expertly applied makeup couldn’t completely hide the circles under her eyes. Ginny was being pulled apart. Quitting wasn’t an option, even though practicing law was no longer Ginny’s passion. Making partner would take the pressure off; it paid well, and she’d have more control over her hours and workload. What really excited Ginny about becoming partner was being able to support the up-and-coming lawyers in their firm. But first, she had to survive what was on her plate today, and right now, her long-game strategy was to burn out. Again.
The last time she burned out, it took her 6 weeks to get healthy, and every time she left on leave, she admitted it knocked back her chances of becoming partner. We were working together because her firm wanted to support Ginny’s career advancement. Ginny flatly stated she didn’t have time for coaching, yet our first conversation was a turning point. Hearing Ginny share her burnout experience, and the health and career implications, I was moved by how powerless she was. I asked her how it would feel to make partner without burning out? She burst into tears. Then, embarrassed by emotion she didn’t know was there, Ginny got angry at the whole circumstance she found herself in.
Despite the discouraging start to our work together, Ginny’s reaction gave me hope. Let me tell you why. She knows she’s burning out; her intuition and her body have been silently screaming this for a while, so that’s not news. What is news is Ginny’s newly awakened realization that it doesn’t have to be this way. She can make partner without self-destructing. Ginny is not alone; burnout has become a “badge of honor” many professional women feel is just a necessary part of being successful in demanding roles and organizations. So, despite what most of us already know about the state of our well-being (myself included), we aren’t listening to our intuition or our bodies. Do you ever wonder why?
I’m super curious about this because I believe every single one of us gets out of bed each and every day to do our best. If we can’t, we don’t go to work (because we’re bedridden). So, we go to work unwell expecting to do our best, despite what our intuition is telling us. The common belief is that if we can go to work and function, we’re not really that unwell to begin with. It’s become a common belief because no one taught us to measure the cost of going to work when our well-being is compromised, but our health isn’t. No one sets off in life to work themselves to death, trapped by their chosen career.
Of course, physical health is not the only way to measure well-being, something I learned the hard way after I continually pushed myself to go to work simply because I wasn’t feverish or throwing up. I ignored my intuition which knew very well my well-being was compromised. This led to a cycle of burning out, doing it not once but several times throughout my career (each episode taking more and more out of me). The last time I was lying in a hospital bed just waiting for the pain meds to kick in, I started to think that there has to be a better way to work, because I didn’t have any more of these cycles left to give. So, I paid more attention to what supported and what sabotaged well-being at work, not just for me, but for my friends, family and now for my clients. I discovered there are reasons why we don’t listen to our intuition despite knowing what the outcome will be.
These reasons have nothing to do with having a weak constitution, imposter syndrome, lack of experience or needing to be flawless to be recognized in a field of high-status colleagues. There are some very specific contributing factors that explain why you still go to work when you know it’s the last thing your well-being needs, and it’s time to call them out. Let’s start at the very beginning: in childhood. This deeply formative time of life has more influence on our risks for burnout and our ability to prevent it than many of us realize.
Work + Values
Your experiences as a child, from your parent’s approach to work to the socioeconomic story of your family, all sow the seeds for your work ethic and expectations about contributing to something meaningful (a purpose, your family, etc.). These experiences form the basis of your values and any biases about work (conscious and unconscious) that support or sabotage your well-being throughout your career and life, establishing your risk for burnout. So, how do we get from childhood to being at risk for burnout?
Work ethic. This phrase is an expletive in my world, and yet it’s an “ethic” we all have.
Growing up, we hear a lot of messages about work and having a work ethic. “Be responsible.” “Be accountable.” “You need a good work ethic.” “Hard work leads to success.” These messages are meant to support our success, but do they really achieve that end? Of course, they influence how you follow the example set by your parents and role models, sometimes without even knowing it (or against your better judgment). As with many caregiver influences, we respond in ways that are unique to us but predictable to humans; in the case of work ethic, there are four typical ways we do this:
- Some strive to imitate the approach to work and life their caregivers exemplified.
- Some choose to reject it.
- Some blindly follow in their caregivers’ work/life footsteps without questioning it.
- Some reject the path their caregivers created without realizing it.
Work ethic as a concept seems simple enough. It’s been around for a long time, and everyone has their own interpretation of what “work ethic” means. Most of us learn what it means to our careers because it’s referenced as a good thing, but in practicality often means sacrificing something you hold dear to maintain status at work. It’s used as a way to guide people into choosing what’s right for their organization, but may not necessarily be what’s right for themselves. So, does the risk for burnout lie in our approach to work, or our work ethic? This can be a very “chicken or egg” question, one I have been grappling with for years, first as a human resource (HR) professional and now as a career coach. To ensure you and I are on the same page as we feel our way through this, we need a shared definition of work ethic. I define work ethic as:
- A set of beliefs defining the ideal approach to work for the benefit of a role model, leader or organizationwhich enhances your standing or security at work and/or within a group or community.
- A positive emotional connection to the work (meaning/purpose)
- Flexibility in where/how work is accomplished
- Genuine and meaningful recognition for effort and impact
- Consistent dignity, belonging, psychological safety and respect in the workplace, which includes sustainable work-loads and working hours
Of course, not all organizations force a choice between productivity and thriving at work, but some professions and organizations do in fact pit productivity against well-being, creating a twisted version of “Sophie’s Choice” for employees. When there’s an organizational focus on productivity, it can drive unhelpful management behaviors with respect to work/career expectations, expressed as “work ethic.” When organizations take a productivity-first approach to work without counterbalancing it with wellness responsibility, the collateral damage to humans is significant. Yet it’s invisible; the damage is inflicted under the surface, at an emotional level, impacting individuals’ confidence and trust in themselves. What I’ve witnessed demonstrates that until we re-examine our connection to the work ethic ethos and encourage different conversations and approaches with respect to our ways of working, we’re going to keep burning people out like they’re incandescent light bulbs.
Work + Money
We’re going to talk about money because it’s a significant burnout factor. We all need a reliable income to live our best life, so of course, it’s an important consideration in our careers; there’s a lot riding on a job that pays for your standard of living. Socioeconomics silently shape our behaviors and burnout risk, but unless you’re an economist, this isn’t something you’re likely thinking about. Yet, it has an enormous influence on your approach to work. My definition of socioeconomic influence is this:
- The social and economic impacts that molded the world and society you live in today and affect how you want to live in this world, as well as your ability to achieve and sustain your desired lifestyle.
Living well today is more than possible, but all of us have witnessed what can happen to someone’s standard of living when employment gets precarious and finances are stretched thin. It breaks financial security: It can also break up families. It can even break someone’s health. When we witness these experiences growing up within our own families and in the families of others, they form beliefs around the required trade-offs between work and well-being. We don’t think to question these beliefs that seem to have always been with us, like the air we breathe. The beliefs say, “Keep yourself employed, or you may lose your treasured lifestyle. Don’t risk everything you hold dear”. These thoughts contribute to the pressure and stress that create burnout risk.
Social and economic influences weigh heavy today, especially with messages such as, “Hard work is its own reward.” “Others will notice when your work is good.” “Don’t show weakness at work (or you may get fired).” “You have to go along to get along.”
These are mindsets modeled for us in childhood, teaching us how to be “successful” (as if there is only one way to get there, and it involves giving our power away). So, consciously or unconsciously, many of us carry these mindsets forward, influencing our ability to care for ourselves at work and in life. In contrast, what if these were statements you heard consistently growing up: “It’s healthy to take breaks during the day.” “Getting tired is a sign you need to rest, and that’s important.” “You know your limits better than anyone, so listen to them.”
Would that change the way you learned to care for and advocate for yourself as an adult?
A step towards figuring out how to have both your career and life support your emotional and physical well-being is recognizing your patterns based on what was present and what was absent in your childhood. How might these patterns be pitting your definition of success against your well-being? There’s room for both success and well-being in a thriving career, but it doesn’t just “happen.” Here’s why.
Work + Expectations
The impact work has on your well-being, the way work and life complement or compromise each other was probably never discussed in detail while you were growing up. Burnout likely never came up as a topic of dinner conversation. There is a natural conflict that arises between looking after your well-being while also being committed to having a career and a life that includes relationships. There are only so many hours in a day. The question becomes, why do these necessary things have to be at odds with each other? In a modern workplace, they often are, which has an impact on our mental health.
Mental health wasn’t always on the agenda in the past. As a kid, if someone your family knew had to step back from work for mental health reasons, there may have been compassion, but also some variation on the comment, “They’d better smarten up and get back to work!” expressing fear for this person’s employability. We cringe at this characterization of someone’s health needs today, yet stigma persists, and the fear is real. This is why many professionals have serious concerns about taking time off to meet their well-being needs or even reducing their working hours to a consistent 35-40 hours per week. Here’s why: You don’t have unconditional love at work. This relationship is very conditional. This is why many professionals think twice about proactively reducing their work commitments. They worry about taking the time they need to heal and get healthy when burnout (or other illness) occurs. The question looms: Could taking on less work, reducing my commitments, or stepping back from my job negatively influence my future career advancement or even my employability? Your intuition just answered that question, didn’t it? And I bet it screamed YES.
While society is generally more educated and compassionate about mental health, many employers still don’t take into account the need for emotional well-being at work. There is little concern for the systemic impacts on overall well-being that a workplace can present. All too often, there is unchecked demand for productivity either through naively optimistic strategic expectations or intentional practices that leave little room for discussion about individual needs. It doesn’t matter which. Either increase burnout risk in a workforce. If someone steps back for wellness reasons, questions are always raised that feed into the stereotype and stigma. This bias is not as apparent as it has been in the past, but is still enough to make us all think twice before taking our doctor’s advice and proactively asking for what we need at work as a preventative measure against burnout and other illnesses. Sadly, you can get hurt over-committing to a desk job.
Sometimes, it’s our own beliefs and expectations that we “should” cope with what’s essentially harming us at work, whether it’s a toxic working environment, a terrible boss, or a high-demand workload. Regardless of what’s creating unrelenting stress at work, it’s all increasing our risk for burnout. There’s a phrase most of us use when it’s like this at work: It’s “fine,” as in: “It’s been really busy at work, but it’s fine.” The next time you catch yourself saying, “it’s fine,” ask your intuition if it’s really “fine.”
This is the “cost” of both an unexamined work ethic and socioeconomic concerns, which set the stage for how you approach work and the challenges it presents today. These expectations are carried forward not just from a career perspective but a family one as well. When my mom re-entered the workforce after my 2 siblings and I were in school, she worked full-time and still did the vast majority of the shopping, meal planning, cooking, laundry, and emotional labor (comforting us, chasing us to get our homework and chores done, etc.). It was the “norm” for the time, but the reality was she just added another 35 hours a week to the full-time job she already had at home. I never thought to question this approach until I had my own demanding career and young family and realized how bullshit carrying on with the same expectations really was. I decided I was NOT going to be the mom you could call at work to help you find lost things, but this was not an easy decision for me to take as I had to turn my back on the expectations and the modeled behavior I enjoyed growing up.
Expectations play a key role in determining your burnout risk. This goes for both the expectations of others and those you put on yourself. These expectations are rooted in childhood. It’s important to look at them without judgment. The experiences that set your expectations of yourself are what they are. There’s no one to blame here. It helps to recognize that everyone - your parents, grandparents, caregivers, etc. - did what they could to the best of their abilities. Whether your work ethic and response to socioeconomic influences is similar to your parents’ or is completely different, that approach was seeded in you during childhood. It’s something you’re using to accept and set the expectations you’re trying to meet, and using all this to make decisions that, consciously or unconsciously, influence your risk for burnout. But it may not be the only thing impacting your wellness because expectations, socioeconomic pressure, and work ethic can create the conditions for a form of trauma, and sadly, that’s not an exaggeration.
Work + Trauma
If you work in a high-pressure, precarious, or demanding role you have trauma. I see you frowning at that statement. I used to feel that way too before I learned what trauma really is. Trauma is a word we hear often. It’s a confusing concept because our society uses this word to describe so many things: heinous acts of personal defilement alongside descriptions of how a scene in a movie made you feel. “When the dog died, I was so traumatized!” Let’s examine it, because it’s playing a role in workplace wellness and burnout risk.
Trauma is a spectrum that covers many experiences, but here’s a way to identify with it that fits real life. Dr. Gabor Maté[i], MD, author and expert on trauma and healing, identifies two types of traumas which I’ll paraphrase:
- Big “T” trauma comes from physical/psychological abuse, war, loss, accident/injury, or violence.
- Small “t” trauma comes from the less memorable but still upsetting frequent hardships everyone experiences.
Both types create stress that can be ever-present, reducing our capacity to bounce back from setbacks, access confidence, or feel like we belong. In his book The Myth of Normal, Dr. Maté explores our society’s collective perception of trauma, revealing that few among us experience big “T” trauma (thankfully). However, what gets minimized in our perception of trauma is the impact of frequent/persistent small “t” trauma. You may think if what’s hurting you isn’t incapacitating, if it isn’t as bad as what others have faced (big “T” trauma), it isn’t a big deal, right? That depends on the prevalence and frequency of small “t” trauma.
Here’s how I define trauma in its most basic form:
- Trauma happens when we are not cared for, recognized, respected, and accepted as we are by others or ourselves.
I truly believe that we are all good enough, even when we’re not at our best.
But the workplace has other ways of looking at this. We are expected to come in and produce consistently (regardless of workplace resources or life circumstances). Yet, I still have a hard time accepting “good enough” from myself. How about you? This succinctly explains the impact of small “t” trauma many people experience repeatedly at work, trying to meet an entity’s business needs, absent of their own, and not being consistently seen, heard, accepted, or recognized for their contributions along the way. According to Dr. Maté, there are more people living with small “t” trauma than without it. Small “t” trauma isn’t becoming the norm, it is the norm. I think we all see and feel this intuitively, whether for ourselves, our family, or others.
Let’s address the “so what?” in this because we all know everyone has to deal with life, and it isn’t always fair. We can’t just go around expecting others to know or accept our trauma and treat us accordingly.
True. But what isn’t acknowledged are the multiple layers of small “t” trauma that were laid down before most of us even got to the workplace (i.e., bullying, discrimination, childhood emotional neglect, etc.). These layers of small “t” trauma (everyday instances of not being seen, heard, or accepted) don’t act on us the way big “T” trauma does (violence, loss, etc.). There are similarities between the two that Dr. Maté urges us not to ignore because “both represent a fracturing of the self and one’s relationship to the world.”[i]
This fracture sets the stage for the loss of connection to ourselves. Not all at once, but cumulatively through erosion, little by little over time, small “t” trauma after small “t” trauma. When this happens, you withdraw, not from the workplace, but from yourself. This is the emotional equivalent of stress fractures that disrupt your relationship with yourself, seeding disease in your emotional well-being and increasing your risk of burnout. When that’s happening, there’s little emotional capacity left to consistently support yourself through a demanding job and busy home life AND feel the confidence in yourself that’s needed to thrive.
Work + Disconnection
Most of us find ways of coping with the pressures of career and life, but coping doesn’t address the emotional fracture. It doesn’t always guarantee healthy coping mechanisms, either. Coping during emotional fracture, as opposed to healing, means you distance yourself from the anger, shame, powerlessness, or fear you feel. These uncomfortable feelings arise when you’re not seen or accepted by the very people who rely on you and whom you need to rely on (but may neither like nor trust). This is how you wake up years into your chosen profession and wonder how the career you worked so hard to have (Hello, Work Ethic) and are completely reliant on is now the reason you’re putting your needs last, losing yourself, your confidence and your well-being in the process. And you know this is happening because of the growing dread you feel about work every Sunday.
If this is happening to you, remember you aren’t alone (The Burnout Club has millions of members, all of whom have a healthy dread of Monday). If you’re thinking, But I’m no victim! I rise above by gathering my power back and figuring out a useful plan to make work better because I’m “adulting,” hear me out. On the surface, it feels rational and responsible to make yourself accountable for getting things back on track for yourself. So, where could that go wrong?
It goes wrong with the disconnect from yourself. You're coping, but you’re not healing. When this happens, your capacity to act on your intuition is diminished. Now, this is the same intuition that’s been trying desperately to get your attention, even going so far as to plague you with Monday dread. But it’s also the intuition you’ve grown to distrust because you’re emotionally fractured and disconnected from yourself. So, you try harder with the tools you have, turning to those that served you best in the past. You think tools like hard work can get you to “safety” since they got you this far. But the tools that served you well in the past are not up to the task of overcoming such an all-encompassing and formidable circumstance as emotional disconnection. Being fractured and withdrawn from yourself in an environment that just keeps demanding more of you, all while hiding your growing dis-ease from others, is an impossible situation.
When you’re disconnected from yourself, you have small “t” trauma. You’re not consistently cared for, recognized, respected, or accepted for who you are. Check-in: If you’re spending energy hiding your true feelings from anyone, you’re disconnected. So, you’re forced to solve complex problems - each with its own accompanying emotional components - while holding back the anger, hurt, fear, or shame that small “t” trauma creates. You can’t help but burn out when that's where you start.
When you’re disconnected from your emotions and intuition - the very things you need to solve a problem - you end up with even more dis-ease. The lack of self-compassion, the eroded boundaries, the false hope, and growing feelings of powerlessness create deteriorating conditions. That’s when burnout really takes root. The way out is using the very emotions you’re trying to avoid. To do this, you must gain access to emotional objectivity, confidence, and the compassion needed to empower your intuition and guide yourself to solutions. But no one is taught how to feel unwelcome things and have them “be helpful.” Instead, you avoid disruptive feelings because you don’t have the emotional energy to deal with them. No judgment. This happens to everyone.
This may not be happening to you every day. Things get better, your perseverance and skills pay off, something changes, the kids get more independent, and you land a new role or a new boss. But when you’re in the midst of emotional disconnect, the “go-to” move is to try harder and harder. That’s work ethic. You’ll suppress what you really feel so you can stay positive and hyper-focused on progressively getting to a place where things feel safer. And, of course, you want to do all this as quickly as possible, before you get hurt, afraid, and angry again, all the while clouded by uncooperative emotions. It’s exhausting and contributes to maladapted coping mechanisms, which I define as those things we do over and over again expecting different results. It is a true story based on real events; just ask Einstein.
Maladapted coping increases emotional disconnect and the dis-ease that follows, even when you’re doing everything you can to stay physically healthy. Leaning into physical self-care is not enough. While emotional health and physical health are connected, they’re still very different things. When you keep trying yet can’t alleviate the frustration and pressure, and all this goes on for too long, the resulting stress means you’re headed for burnout.
Work + Disease
When you’re coping with small “t” trauma and the emotional dis-ease this creates, it affects you physically (going from dis-ease to disease). Our bodies have the capacity to reflect our emotional experience – not just in body language, but in physical health. Take stress as an example; it releases the hormones adrenaline and cortisol into your system, which helps your heart beat faster, and your body initiates a flight, fight, or freeze sequence based on your interpretation of the threat. How many times a day does that happen? It may be short-term, like when you have to do a nerve-wracking presentation in front of the board, but what happens when life throws more systemic issues your way? What about when a demanding job, financial pressure, growing kiddos, aging parents, and difficult relationships combine on a daily basis, making stress ever-present?
We all have stress triggers, but their frequency and severity must be taken into account because there are different types of stress triggers that greet you throughout your day and then replay in your mind to torment you at night. Here are my definitions for the common types of stress triggers humans experience, creating that hormone-filled stress response:
Stress comes for us all. There’s no avoiding it, and when you have too much of it, your body deals with the biological fallout in ways that impact your physical health, especially when stress triggers are popping up everywhere (home, work, etc.). Chronic stress happens when it all “hits the fan” but is also present through frequent stress triggers of all types that are persistent and layered; let me show you what I mean. As an “Oh, shit!” stressor recedes, a “What fresh hell is this?” stressor emerges to accompany a pre-existing “Check, please!” stressor, keeping you on high alert, constantly flooding your system with stress hormones (and leaving you feeling like you just can’t catch a break). Cortisol and adrenaline are meant to come and go in your body within short periods to help you overcome a threat, but when there are persistent stress triggers layered one on top of the other, your body is continually under the effect of these hormones. It’s the physical equivalent of driving a car that can only go 150 kmph.; not good for the car, even worse for the driver and anyone in their path.
Chronic stress keeps your rapid response system engaged, and the on-going presence of stress hormones that were only meant to be in your system a short time (but are now perpetual) has a damaging impact on your body’s immune function. In other words, you get sick. Burnout risk can mean catching repeated colds, experiencing mystery rashes, persistent indigestion or out-of-the-blue joint pain. Long term, it may include setting off an autoimmune disease or another condition that requires tests or hospitalization to treat, eventually becoming manageable, but may mean you’re not going back to the health you enjoyed before. Simply put, your body cannot continually be on high-alert without collateral damage somewhere, and eventually our bodies simply say “nope” and stop functioning at peak performance. Of course, most of us can’t afford to be so sick we’re away from work for any length of time because it affects our lifestyle and socioeconomic status. It adds stress and pressure through increased precariousness to our finances and employability, kicking us when we’re already down. So, you go to work even when you’re not well, adding to your burnout risk.
While health care has conquered many barriers, a new family of diseases has leapt past modern medicine. These diseases are pervasive, touching the lives of almost everyone in western society, directly or indirectly, with very little end in sight. They are autoimmune diseases. You likely know someone or may be that someone who lives with lupus, type 1 diabetes, multiple sclerosis, celiac disease, Graves or rheumatoid arthritis (to name just a few of the 80 autoimmune diseases identified so far).
There’s an emerging link between autoimmune disease, over-work (that which causes injury/illness) and stress. The damage here to health, well-being, people and families cannot be underestimated, and if it turns out there is a direct link to over-work, think about what that means for our relationship to work and our employers. This link is the focus of on-going scientific study, which will offer valuable insights in the future about the ways work impacts well-being, particularly for women who are much more likely to be affected by an autoimmune disease than men. 80% of sufferers are women. Here's the kicker: Modern medicine doesn’t know what your immune system’s threshold is for stress. It doesn’t know the point your immune system can no longer handle the stress and becomes compromised.
Being a “card-carrying” member of The Burnout Club has consequences.
Every single one of us who works for a living gets out of bed each and every day to do our best, but best for whom? This is the question we need to stay in touch with to defeat burnout. Many of our childhood influences are designed to set us up for success (like work ethic) in what can be an unforgiving socioeconomic system. However, these influences unintentionally create the invisible conditions for unchecked expectations, emotional disconnection, and disease, leading to higher burnout risk.
We need to listen to our intuition and see through the veil of hidden influences and best intentions to the truth: Our organizations will take all the hours we can spare to work for their benefit, but they assume we’re doing this from a place of choice, health, and well-being. That isn’t always the case, is it? Like Ginny, you too may feel trapped by a job that no longer does anything for you except pay the bills.
It’s not you, it’s work. You don’t have to burn out to be successful. We’ve pit success against our well-being for too long. It’s time to get angry at a status quo that doesn’t support you to have both, because you deserve to have both: a fabulous career and an amazing life. To do that, you need to understand how burnout sneaks up on you.
[i] Maté, Gabor MD with Maté, Daniel. “The Myth of Normal: Trauma, Illness & Healing in a Toxic Culture”. United States of America: Knoff Canada, 2022, 23.
Let’s address the “so what?” in this because we all know everyone has to deal with life, and it isn’t always fair. We can’t just go around expecting others to know or accept our trauma and treat us accordingly.
True. But what isn’t acknowledged are the multiple layers of small “t” trauma that were laid down before most of us even got to the workplace (i.e., bullying, discrimination, childhood emotional neglect, etc.). These layers of small “t” trauma (everyday instances of not being seen, heard, or accepted) don’t act on us the way big “T” trauma does (violence, loss, etc.). There are similarities between the two that Dr. Maté urges us not to ignore because “both represent a fracturing of the self and one’s relationship to the world.”[i]
This fracture sets the stage for the loss of connection to ourselves. Not all at once, but cumulatively through erosion, little by little over time, small “t” trauma after small “t” trauma. When this happens, you withdraw, not from the workplace, but from yourself. This is the emotional equivalent of stress fractures that disrupt your relationship with yourself, seeding disease in your emotional well-being and increasing your risk of burnout. When that’s happening, there’s little emotional capacity left to consistently support yourself through a demanding job and busy home life AND feel the confidence in yourself that’s needed to thrive.
Work + Disconnection
Most of us find ways of coping with the pressures of career and life, but coping doesn’t address the emotional fracture. It doesn’t always guarantee healthy coping mechanisms, either. Coping during emotional fracture, as opposed to healing, means you distance yourself from the anger, shame, powerlessness, or fear you feel. These uncomfortable feelings arise when you’re not seen or accepted by the very people who rely on you and whom you need to rely on (but may neither like nor trust). This is how you wake up years into your chosen profession and wonder how the career you worked so hard to have (Hello, Work Ethic) and are completely reliant on is now the reason you’re putting your needs last, losing yourself, your confidence and your well-being in the process. And you know this is happening because of the growing dread you feel about work every Sunday.
If this is happening to you, remember you aren’t alone (The Burnout Club has millions of members, all of whom have a healthy dread of Monday). If you’re thinking, But I’m no victim! I rise above by gathering my power back and figuring out a useful plan to make work better because I’m “adulting,” hear me out. On the surface, it feels rational and responsible to make yourself accountable for getting things back on track for yourself. So, where could that go wrong?
It goes wrong with the disconnect from yourself. You're coping, but you’re not healing. When this happens, your capacity to act on your intuition is diminished. Now, this is the same intuition that’s been trying desperately to get your attention, even going so far as to plague you with Monday dread. But it’s also the intuition you’ve grown to distrust because you’re emotionally fractured and disconnected from yourself. So, you try harder with the tools you have, turning to those that served you best in the past. You think tools like hard work can get you to “safety” since they got you this far. But the tools that served you well in the past are not up to the task of overcoming such an all-encompassing and formidable circumstance as emotional disconnection. Being fractured and withdrawn from yourself in an environment that just keeps demanding more of you, all while hiding your growing dis-ease from others, is an impossible situation.
When you’re disconnected from yourself, you have small “t” trauma. You’re not consistently cared for, recognized, respected, or accepted for who you are. Check-in: If you’re spending energy hiding your true feelings from anyone, you’re disconnected. So, you’re forced to solve complex problems - each with its own accompanying emotional components - while holding back the anger, hurt, fear, or shame that small “t” trauma creates. You can’t help but burn out when that's where you start.
When you’re disconnected from your emotions and intuition - the very things you need to solve a problem - you end up with even more dis-ease. The lack of self-compassion, the eroded boundaries, the false hope, and growing feelings of powerlessness create deteriorating conditions. That’s when burnout really takes root. The way out is using the very emotions you’re trying to avoid. To do this, you must gain access to emotional objectivity, confidence, and the compassion needed to empower your intuition and guide yourself to solutions. But no one is taught how to feel unwelcome things and have them “be helpful.” Instead, you avoid disruptive feelings because you don’t have the emotional energy to deal with them. No judgment. This happens to everyone.
This may not be happening to you every day. Things get better, your perseverance and skills pay off, something changes, the kids get more independent, and you land a new role or a new boss. But when you’re in the midst of emotional disconnect, the “go-to” move is to try harder and harder. That’s work ethic. You’ll suppress what you really feel so you can stay positive and hyper-focused on progressively getting to a place where things feel safer. And, of course, you want to do all this as quickly as possible, before you get hurt, afraid, and angry again, all the while clouded by uncooperative emotions. It’s exhausting and contributes to maladapted coping mechanisms, which I define as those things we do over and over again expecting different results. It is a true story based on real events; just ask Einstein.
Maladapted coping increases emotional disconnect and the dis-ease that follows, even when you’re doing everything you can to stay physically healthy. Leaning into physical self-care is not enough. While emotional health and physical health are connected, they’re still very different things. When you keep trying yet can’t alleviate the frustration and pressure, and all this goes on for too long, the resulting stress means you’re headed for burnout.
Work + Disease
When you’re coping with small “t” trauma and the emotional dis-ease this creates, it affects you physically (going from dis-ease to disease). Our bodies have the capacity to reflect our emotional experience – not just in body language, but in physical health. Take stress as an example; it releases the hormones adrenaline and cortisol into your system, which helps your heart beat faster, and your body initiates a flight, fight, or freeze sequence based on your interpretation of the threat. How many times a day does that happen? It may be short-term, like when you have to do a nerve-wracking presentation in front of the board, but what happens when life throws more systemic issues your way? What about when a demanding job, financial pressure, growing kiddos, aging parents, and difficult relationships combine on a daily basis, making stress ever-present?
We all have stress triggers, but their frequency and severity must be taken into account because there are different types of stress triggers that greet you throughout your day and then replay in your mind to torment you at night. Here are my definitions for the common types of stress triggers humans experience, creating that hormone-filled stress response:
- “Oh, shit!” Moments: unwelcome surprises like spilling coffee on yourself, the dog throwing up on the carpet, or someone saying, “We need to talk…”.
- “What fresh hell is this?” Experiences: the perpetual but small everyday things that make life just that much more difficult, like traffic jams, laptop/software glitches or constantly having your concentration broken by interruptions.
- “Check, please!” Periods: life events that create ongoing stress you have to face whether you want to or not. These issues need to be resolved, like job loss, financial insecurity, divorce, etc. They are excruciating periods to go through and take time. The upside is that they have a completion point.
- “It’s all hitting the fan” Circumstances: those unwelcome quality-of-life-impacting circumstances that have no real resolution (i.e., they’re chronic), like a life-altering health diagnosis, terminal illness, or caring for someone you love who’s affected by a chronic or terminal illness (like Alzheimer’s, end-stage cancer, etc.).
Stress comes for us all. There’s no avoiding it, and when you have too much of it, your body deals with the biological fallout in ways that impact your physical health, especially when stress triggers are popping up everywhere (home, work, etc.). Chronic stress happens when it all “hits the fan” but is also present through frequent stress triggers of all types that are persistent and layered; let me show you what I mean. As an “Oh, shit!” stressor recedes, a “What fresh hell is this?” stressor emerges to accompany a pre-existing “Check, please!” stressor, keeping you on high alert, constantly flooding your system with stress hormones (and leaving you feeling like you just can’t catch a break). Cortisol and adrenaline are meant to come and go in your body within short periods to help you overcome a threat, but when there are persistent stress triggers layered one on top of the other, your body is continually under the effect of these hormones. It’s the physical equivalent of driving a car that can only go 150 kmph.; not good for the car, even worse for the driver and anyone in their path.
Chronic stress keeps your rapid response system engaged, and the on-going presence of stress hormones that were only meant to be in your system a short time (but are now perpetual) has a damaging impact on your body’s immune function. In other words, you get sick. Burnout risk can mean catching repeated colds, experiencing mystery rashes, persistent indigestion or out-of-the-blue joint pain. Long term, it may include setting off an autoimmune disease or another condition that requires tests or hospitalization to treat, eventually becoming manageable, but may mean you’re not going back to the health you enjoyed before. Simply put, your body cannot continually be on high-alert without collateral damage somewhere, and eventually our bodies simply say “nope” and stop functioning at peak performance. Of course, most of us can’t afford to be so sick we’re away from work for any length of time because it affects our lifestyle and socioeconomic status. It adds stress and pressure through increased precariousness to our finances and employability, kicking us when we’re already down. So, you go to work even when you’re not well, adding to your burnout risk.
While health care has conquered many barriers, a new family of diseases has leapt past modern medicine. These diseases are pervasive, touching the lives of almost everyone in western society, directly or indirectly, with very little end in sight. They are autoimmune diseases. You likely know someone or may be that someone who lives with lupus, type 1 diabetes, multiple sclerosis, celiac disease, Graves or rheumatoid arthritis (to name just a few of the 80 autoimmune diseases identified so far).
There’s an emerging link between autoimmune disease, over-work (that which causes injury/illness) and stress. The damage here to health, well-being, people and families cannot be underestimated, and if it turns out there is a direct link to over-work, think about what that means for our relationship to work and our employers. This link is the focus of on-going scientific study, which will offer valuable insights in the future about the ways work impacts well-being, particularly for women who are much more likely to be affected by an autoimmune disease than men. 80% of sufferers are women. Here's the kicker: Modern medicine doesn’t know what your immune system’s threshold is for stress. It doesn’t know the point your immune system can no longer handle the stress and becomes compromised.
Being a “card-carrying” member of The Burnout Club has consequences.
Every single one of us who works for a living gets out of bed each and every day to do our best, but best for whom? This is the question we need to stay in touch with to defeat burnout. Many of our childhood influences are designed to set us up for success (like work ethic) in what can be an unforgiving socioeconomic system. However, these influences unintentionally create the invisible conditions for unchecked expectations, emotional disconnection, and disease, leading to higher burnout risk.
We need to listen to our intuition and see through the veil of hidden influences and best intentions to the truth: Our organizations will take all the hours we can spare to work for their benefit, but they assume we’re doing this from a place of choice, health, and well-being. That isn’t always the case, is it? Like Ginny, you too may feel trapped by a job that no longer does anything for you except pay the bills.
It’s not you, it’s work. You don’t have to burn out to be successful. We’ve pit success against our well-being for too long. It’s time to get angry at a status quo that doesn’t support you to have both, because you deserve to have both: a fabulous career and an amazing life. To do that, you need to understand how burnout sneaks up on you.
[i] Maté, Gabor MD with Maté, Daniel. “The Myth of Normal: Trauma, Illness & Healing in a Toxic Culture”. United States of America: Knoff Canada, 2022, 23.
Chapter 2
This is the Sign You’ve Been Waiting For
This was my recent horoscope in one of our national newspapers:
“The more other people suggest you need to slow down a bit, the more you will speed up. While both the sun and Mars are moving through the most dynamic area of your chart, you will continue to push yourself to extremes, with awesome results.”
I have no idea about all the sun and Mars stuff, but little call-outs from the universe are all I need to push myself to the limit. “My horoscope told me so” is good enough motivation for me. Which is why I should probably not read my horoscope or use it as my “life coach.” Pushing myself to extremes is what got me into this mess.
Maybe that’s where you are, too?
If so, then this is the sign you’ve been waiting for :-).
Let’s talk about burnout because, as a card-carrying member of The Burnout Club, you’ve been getting signs that all is not well in the queendom. I know this because you’re on Chapter 2 of a book about burnout. We’ll talk about those signs and many other things you need to know about this pesky, nuanced, and very real threat to your health and well-being.
Burnout is a word, much like trauma, that we use in many ways, diminishing its true meaning. The phrase can be a plea for help, a badge of honor, or a silent whispered fear. This makes it hard to take “burnout” seriously, even though it carries severe risks and implications. Frustrating the ability to have burnout be something other than a “catch-all” phrase is the fact that in North America burnout doesn’t have a therapeutic status (i.e., inclusion in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) like trauma does. The World Health Organization (WHO) calls it “an occupational phenomenon.” This definition is laughable, implying we could eradicate burnout at work with a well-placed safety cone (#OMFG).
Many countries in Europe have a better sense of burnout that aligns with the definition you find in most dictionaries. You can tell the WHO I said so. Because the word burnout has been so trivialized in our society, it makes using it problematic. So, it’s time to re-set what burnout means, ensuring you and I are aligned before we go further. Deep from the trenches of real life, here’s my definition:
Burnout is a word we hear used conversationally. “It’s been so busy at work lately. I feel so burnt out,” In actuality, it’s much more serious than a virtue signal to show how busy or important someone is at work. But without an agreed-upon therapeutic definition psychologists, health care providers, and organizations like the WHO can all align with, burnout as a health indicator will continue to be silently trivialized, especially in the workplace. Be mindful that it doesn’t only happen to those who are employed; it can happen to anyone who’s pushed beyond their emotional or physical limits from any part of life.
Just because there isn’t a therapeutic definition doesn’t mean burnout is without pathology. It follows a sneaky but predictable pattern of impact for those who experience it. And, like trauma, it comes on a spectrum.
The Burnout Spectrum
To make this as clear and as memorable as possible I’ve chosen to borrow the distinction first used by Dr. Maté, and call them, big “B” burnout and small “b” burnout:
It's important to note that these are not medical definitions, they’re mine. I use them as guides to help assess where my clients may be on the burnout spectrum, and offer them here to build your awareness and understanding of burnout.
The Burnout Cliff
Like with stress and immune system performance, there’s no established tolerance for small “b” burnout before it moves to big “B” burnout. More research is needed. Everyone’s journey through the burnout spectrum is unique, based on individual factors like health, resources, social support, and awareness. What most professionals with big “B” burnout recall is they were fine until they weren’t. The shift from small “b” burnout to big “B” burnout is a cliff, one that takes everyone by surprise but may not be that surprising when you look back on the events leading up to the “fall.” Many professionals who end up stepping back from work to heal from big “B” burnout have had previous brushes with small “b” burnout, as Jaimie’s story illustrates.
Jaimie reached out because she was preparing to go back to work after a 3-month medical absence and needed support. Her role as a senior project manager was (in her words) “completely unrelenting.” In preparation for her return, she’d had a call with her manager; the list of projects she was to take on was longer than the one that burned her out. She was terrified of going back and quickly burning out again. It made her stomach hurt just thinking about it.
She had good reason to be concerned. Over the last 6 years, she’d left on sick leave a number of times. On top of that, she’d booked vacations as a way to give herself some breathing room for her health, and there were 2 maternity leaves she called “life-savers.” Jaimie confessed she’d been through a number of “mini burnouts'' that had her doctor writing notes for medical leave. The first one Jaimie didn’t tell her employer about because of the critical files she was working on and didn’t want to drop, for fear of leaving her colleagues in the lurch. The second note she used, but took only a week off before going back to work because she couldn’t stand the tension of not knowing what she’d be going back to. The hundreds of unanswered emails haunted her. When that created a health relapse, she left but only for 3 of the recommended 6 weeks.
Then Jaimie ended up in the emergency room because of stomach pains, which turned out to be a raging ulcer. That was the tipping point and the beginning of 3 months of leave to get healthy. Working together we strategized on what she needed to be able to go back to work without burnout. In the end, she negotiated a gradual return, working 2 days a week to start. This allowed her time to ramp up, and to build needed skills through coaching to confidently create clear boundaries at work. Implementing new habits ensured she would not burn out through overwork again. Today, Jaimie is happy and healthy at work, with no burnout cliff in sight.
Burnout symptoms may not always be convenient or clear. Something that is clear? You rarely get to choose when you go over the burnout cliff, or how hard you land at the bottom.
Today, there are more factors contributing to stress with fewer workplace options and resources to overcome them. So why do you choose to continue to work in a place that isn’t adequately resourced, or doesn’t consistently know how to make you feel secure, respected, or valued? It’s an important question that’s at the heart of the burnout epidemic in our modern workplaces.
To be fair, most workplaces aren’t draconian sweatshops designed to work people to death. While work may be frustrating, it offers windows into what it could be, glimpses of hope peeking through less-than-ideal circumstances. Almost every workplace has the potential to support your success, and most offer something tangible to continue investing your career there.
Ideally, your well-being is consistently maintained through both work and life, but there are times, professions, and workplaces where well-being cannot be consistently maintained. AND work is really only part of the equation. You have a life outside of work too, which also plays a part in how well you’re able to cope with fluctuating factors that erode well-being at work. Family, relationships and financial stress impact the intensity through which you’re trying to live your life, keeping up with the myriad responsibilities “adulting” requires. Your own health and the health of your loved ones impact how much energy you have left to give to other things, like work. It can create ongoing, even chronic “It’s all hitting the fan” stress. These things often increase your reliance on a job that provides not only income but also much-needed health benefits.
These are some of the key reasons why career professionals continue to work, despite signs that all is not well. But there is one more, and it takes precedence when many female professionals are deciding between stepping back from work for their health or staying put regardless of the consequences.
The Ultimate Sacrifice
In speaking with professionals who’ve experienced burnout, the number one reason they pushed past the signs and didn’t get help (or did and then didn’t follow everything their doctor recommended) was because they didn’t want to impact anyone else.
These are well-educated professionals who were doing everything in their power (including consistent physical self-care) to keep themselves going. Professionals who still knowingly compromised their well-being to ensure no one else they cared about (at home or at work) would need to make the level of sacrifice they were. Professionals willing to make the ultimate sacrifice while thinking they wouldn’t actually become so unwell they’d have to step back from work altogether to heal.
Operating from a place of clouded emotions, exhaustion, vulnerability, and sometimes physical disability, these professionals recounted experiences where they did not want to have anyone else feel the way they did (or have to work the hours they were); so, they made the ultimate sacrifice. It created a circumstance where they made themselves the self-appointed guardian of everyone else’s welfare, while completely ignoring their own. Perversely, this can give effort meaning when work isn’t particularly meaningful. For many in this circumstance, it gave their sacrifices meaning.
Until they fell off the burnout cliff.
The Pathology of Burnout
To stay away from the cliff’s edge, awareness is helpful. Understanding the risks and signs of burnout can support strong decision-making in favor of your well-being, reducing and eliminating harm to your physical body and emotional self-connection. There are 5 specific ways burnout impacts you, but they are not all obvious, and some signs can masquerade as something else, so let’s unpack them.
Exhaustion. We’ve all felt tired, and there are circumstances that make us tired (sick family members, a cold/flu, over-extended schedules, etc.). This makes it hard to tell when fatigue is a normal response to a busy and full life and when it’s a sign of burnout. Here are signs that help you determine if feeling tired is normal for you or a sign to pay attention to:
Mental Distancing (AKA disengagement). Another way burnout can impact you at work is when you stop caring, even though that’s dangerous for your career and job security. You’ve reached a point of disengagement that clouds rationality. You no longer have the motivation or patience to keep the “filter” in place; the one that lets in what you need to care about, and keeps out the rest. Burnout signs can include:
Cognitive Impairment (AKA forgetfulness or “brain farts”). When life is full everyone gets forgetful from time to time. With burnout, you start to think something is really wrong; forgetfulness and brain farting has reached a whole other level, negatively impacting your work and life:
Persistent exhaustion, disengagement, and forgetfulness are the three most prevalent signs of burnout. When looked at in isolation, it’s easy to explain away some of these signs and symptoms (like anemia, (peri)menopause, etc.) but when these are constant, or they lead to emotional/physical impairment, you may be on your way to big “B” burnout. Some professionals I’ve worked with recount a series of “mini burnout” episodes over months or years (each one more difficult than the last to recover from), while others experience an unrelenting period of frustration, stress, and pressure that claimed their health within weeks. No one’s experience is the same, but there are signs you’re at the cliff’s edge:
Emotional Impairment. This sign of burnout is clear; it’s the inability to control your emotions even when you want/need to.
Physical Impairment. The repetitive stress injury you had sorted out and is now back, the need to see your massage therapist at least once a week - these may all be signs of a busy life, or they could be your body’s way of telling you there’s a deeper problem. Here’s what to look for:
Big “B” burnout happens when you just can’t continue your normal activities in any sphere of your life and have to stop, whether you want to or not.
I care about you, so if you’re experiencing one or more of these signs of burnout, please speak with your doctor or therapist. While there is no therapeutic definition of burnout in North America, doctors and therapists know what to look for and can make recommendations that support your health and well-being. A visit to your doctor can also bring you peace of mind, in case it’s something else that can be addressed with medical attention.
As helpful as my definitions can be, there is no replacement for sound medical advice.
Your Intuition IS the Sign
Your intuition is a vital part of aligning your values, principles, and actions. Too often people I know (family, friends, and clients) ignore their intuition when it’s trying to protect them and end up suffering with debilitating conditions like persistent migraines, digestive issues, exhaustion, and other serious health concerns. Every one of my clients has said going over the burnout cliff was a surprise, but it wasn’t all that surprising when they looked back on the signals leading up to it. There are always signs, but you may not be able to “read” them. Emotional dis-connection means you can’t consistently access your intuition, and that’s never a good thing. When you can’t hear your “gut” talking, or you’re actively ignoring it because what it’s saying is scary or inconvenient, you’re missing out on vital wisdom that protects your well-being.
I already mentioned this in the introduction, but it bears repeating. You already know what you need to do to prevent burnout; you’ve probably given others advice about burnout that you’re not taking. But, if your intuition has been talking to you about your risks, it’s the sign you’ve been waiting for. It’s time to make your well-being the priority, no matter how inconvenient that is for others. It’s time to take control of your future, so you don’t compromise your ability to choose what’s right for you. Because here’s the thing (and your gut and I are on the same page on this one, you can check); leaving it up to burnout to decide when you “get” to step away from work takes all your power away, because you don’t get to decide if it’s exhaustion, or a heart attack that takes you out. Yes, you may be exercising regularly and eating well, but that is not enough to save you from falling off the burnout cliff. Don’t get me wrong, keep doing that stuff, but those things keep you physically healthy, which is not the same as caring for your emotional health. Both emotional and physical health are needed to prevent burnout.
Take back your power. Know the signs of burnout before you go over the cliff. You can have career success without self-destruction, and if you don’t know how to do that, there’s no shame in that. None of us were taught this, which is why we’re not talking about it and why there’s a lot of silent suffering. Time to break the silence, and recognize you can build skills that keep you from burning out, even if the path forward looks daunting. None of us know role models that consistently demonstrate how to get to success without the self-destruction.
Until now.
When you look for any little sign to give you permission to push yourself to the extreme, and if, like me, you’ve been ignoring the clear signs your body is telling you then you need what’s in the rest of this book so you can stop trying to figure this out on your own. Consider Ginny and Jaimie’s stories.
Thinking you have to do it all alone means you’re at risk of burning out not once but several times, each more intense than the last until over the cliff you go. Reaching out for help was what kept these amazing women from burning out again and then helped them make changes that empowered their ability to thrive at work without changing jobs. I’m here as your guide, right here beside you, supporting you as you continue through this book. Then beyond that, as you learn to live and work on your terms, without burnout.
Check in with your intuition. What’s it saying? How is it communicating to you? Is it saying it through physical feelings (like discomfort or pain)? If you were to give your intuition a voice, what words would it express? What 1 word comes to mind? My intuition used to say “Uh oh!” a lot. What’s yours saying? That’s the sign you’ve been waiting for.
What would it feel like to have the career success you deserve and dream of without burnout? You only get there when you listen and respond to your own needs. Your intuition knows you best. It knows how to take care of your well-being. It knows how to help you and give yourself the belonging, respect, and love you deserve. Stop and listen to what it’s saying.
“The more other people suggest you need to slow down a bit, the more you will speed up. While both the sun and Mars are moving through the most dynamic area of your chart, you will continue to push yourself to extremes, with awesome results.”
I have no idea about all the sun and Mars stuff, but little call-outs from the universe are all I need to push myself to the limit. “My horoscope told me so” is good enough motivation for me. Which is why I should probably not read my horoscope or use it as my “life coach.” Pushing myself to extremes is what got me into this mess.
Maybe that’s where you are, too?
If so, then this is the sign you’ve been waiting for :-).
Let’s talk about burnout because, as a card-carrying member of The Burnout Club, you’ve been getting signs that all is not well in the queendom. I know this because you’re on Chapter 2 of a book about burnout. We’ll talk about those signs and many other things you need to know about this pesky, nuanced, and very real threat to your health and well-being.
Burnout is a word, much like trauma, that we use in many ways, diminishing its true meaning. The phrase can be a plea for help, a badge of honor, or a silent whispered fear. This makes it hard to take “burnout” seriously, even though it carries severe risks and implications. Frustrating the ability to have burnout be something other than a “catch-all” phrase is the fact that in North America burnout doesn’t have a therapeutic status (i.e., inclusion in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) like trauma does. The World Health Organization (WHO) calls it “an occupational phenomenon.” This definition is laughable, implying we could eradicate burnout at work with a well-placed safety cone (#OMFG).
Many countries in Europe have a better sense of burnout that aligns with the definition you find in most dictionaries. You can tell the WHO I said so. Because the word burnout has been so trivialized in our society, it makes using it problematic. So, it’s time to re-set what burnout means, ensuring you and I are aligned before we go further. Deep from the trenches of real life, here’s my definition:
- Burnout is a state of persistent physical, mental, and emotional exhaustion that can occur due to long-term/chronic stress and leaves you feeling depleted, emotionally disconnected from yourself, and unable to meet your own needs.
Burnout is a word we hear used conversationally. “It’s been so busy at work lately. I feel so burnt out,” In actuality, it’s much more serious than a virtue signal to show how busy or important someone is at work. But without an agreed-upon therapeutic definition psychologists, health care providers, and organizations like the WHO can all align with, burnout as a health indicator will continue to be silently trivialized, especially in the workplace. Be mindful that it doesn’t only happen to those who are employed; it can happen to anyone who’s pushed beyond their emotional or physical limits from any part of life.
Just because there isn’t a therapeutic definition doesn’t mean burnout is without pathology. It follows a sneaky but predictable pattern of impact for those who experience it. And, like trauma, it comes on a spectrum.
The Burnout Spectrum
To make this as clear and as memorable as possible I’ve chosen to borrow the distinction first used by Dr. Maté, and call them, big “B” burnout and small “b” burnout:
- Big “B” burnout is the inability to spend any further effort on something (work, caregiving, etc.) because of the body’s overwhelming need to recover. This can be due to acute psychological or chronic fatigue, or other physiological health implications. These are predictable psychological and physiological responses to prevent the body and/or mind from continued effort because it will cause catastrophic damage to one or both. In essence, when you push yourself too far, the body simply says “no” and prevents you from going any further without healing first.
- Small “b” burnout is a temporary, diminished capacity to act (i.e., perform work) because the body needs to rest, as indicated by lack of energy, cognitive impairment (forgetfulness, lack of focus), and mental distancing (disengagement). Small “b” burnout doesn’t prevent you from participating in work and life, but you are compromised, experiencing a minor or temporary impairment to be active, identify your feelings, think clearly, trust yourself, or be able to assert yourself. Small “b” burnout continues unless and until the conditions that cause it are addressed (leading to healing and recovery) or persist and worsen to the point of inability (see big “B” burnout).
It's important to note that these are not medical definitions, they’re mine. I use them as guides to help assess where my clients may be on the burnout spectrum, and offer them here to build your awareness and understanding of burnout.
The Burnout Cliff
Like with stress and immune system performance, there’s no established tolerance for small “b” burnout before it moves to big “B” burnout. More research is needed. Everyone’s journey through the burnout spectrum is unique, based on individual factors like health, resources, social support, and awareness. What most professionals with big “B” burnout recall is they were fine until they weren’t. The shift from small “b” burnout to big “B” burnout is a cliff, one that takes everyone by surprise but may not be that surprising when you look back on the events leading up to the “fall.” Many professionals who end up stepping back from work to heal from big “B” burnout have had previous brushes with small “b” burnout, as Jaimie’s story illustrates.
Jaimie reached out because she was preparing to go back to work after a 3-month medical absence and needed support. Her role as a senior project manager was (in her words) “completely unrelenting.” In preparation for her return, she’d had a call with her manager; the list of projects she was to take on was longer than the one that burned her out. She was terrified of going back and quickly burning out again. It made her stomach hurt just thinking about it.
She had good reason to be concerned. Over the last 6 years, she’d left on sick leave a number of times. On top of that, she’d booked vacations as a way to give herself some breathing room for her health, and there were 2 maternity leaves she called “life-savers.” Jaimie confessed she’d been through a number of “mini burnouts'' that had her doctor writing notes for medical leave. The first one Jaimie didn’t tell her employer about because of the critical files she was working on and didn’t want to drop, for fear of leaving her colleagues in the lurch. The second note she used, but took only a week off before going back to work because she couldn’t stand the tension of not knowing what she’d be going back to. The hundreds of unanswered emails haunted her. When that created a health relapse, she left but only for 3 of the recommended 6 weeks.
Then Jaimie ended up in the emergency room because of stomach pains, which turned out to be a raging ulcer. That was the tipping point and the beginning of 3 months of leave to get healthy. Working together we strategized on what she needed to be able to go back to work without burnout. In the end, she negotiated a gradual return, working 2 days a week to start. This allowed her time to ramp up, and to build needed skills through coaching to confidently create clear boundaries at work. Implementing new habits ensured she would not burn out through overwork again. Today, Jaimie is happy and healthy at work, with no burnout cliff in sight.
Burnout symptoms may not always be convenient or clear. Something that is clear? You rarely get to choose when you go over the burnout cliff, or how hard you land at the bottom.
Today, there are more factors contributing to stress with fewer workplace options and resources to overcome them. So why do you choose to continue to work in a place that isn’t adequately resourced, or doesn’t consistently know how to make you feel secure, respected, or valued? It’s an important question that’s at the heart of the burnout epidemic in our modern workplaces.
To be fair, most workplaces aren’t draconian sweatshops designed to work people to death. While work may be frustrating, it offers windows into what it could be, glimpses of hope peeking through less-than-ideal circumstances. Almost every workplace has the potential to support your success, and most offer something tangible to continue investing your career there.
Ideally, your well-being is consistently maintained through both work and life, but there are times, professions, and workplaces where well-being cannot be consistently maintained. AND work is really only part of the equation. You have a life outside of work too, which also plays a part in how well you’re able to cope with fluctuating factors that erode well-being at work. Family, relationships and financial stress impact the intensity through which you’re trying to live your life, keeping up with the myriad responsibilities “adulting” requires. Your own health and the health of your loved ones impact how much energy you have left to give to other things, like work. It can create ongoing, even chronic “It’s all hitting the fan” stress. These things often increase your reliance on a job that provides not only income but also much-needed health benefits.
These are some of the key reasons why career professionals continue to work, despite signs that all is not well. But there is one more, and it takes precedence when many female professionals are deciding between stepping back from work for their health or staying put regardless of the consequences.
The Ultimate Sacrifice
In speaking with professionals who’ve experienced burnout, the number one reason they pushed past the signs and didn’t get help (or did and then didn’t follow everything their doctor recommended) was because they didn’t want to impact anyone else.
- They didn’t want to leave their team or colleagues to pick up their slack at work, knowing no one would be brought in to fill in for them if they stepped away
- They didn’t want to bring stress home where it could impact other family members in the form of reduced pay due to sick leave or talking about the pressures at work
- They didn’t want to jeopardize their promotability or employability
These are well-educated professionals who were doing everything in their power (including consistent physical self-care) to keep themselves going. Professionals who still knowingly compromised their well-being to ensure no one else they cared about (at home or at work) would need to make the level of sacrifice they were. Professionals willing to make the ultimate sacrifice while thinking they wouldn’t actually become so unwell they’d have to step back from work altogether to heal.
Operating from a place of clouded emotions, exhaustion, vulnerability, and sometimes physical disability, these professionals recounted experiences where they did not want to have anyone else feel the way they did (or have to work the hours they were); so, they made the ultimate sacrifice. It created a circumstance where they made themselves the self-appointed guardian of everyone else’s welfare, while completely ignoring their own. Perversely, this can give effort meaning when work isn’t particularly meaningful. For many in this circumstance, it gave their sacrifices meaning.
Until they fell off the burnout cliff.
The Pathology of Burnout
To stay away from the cliff’s edge, awareness is helpful. Understanding the risks and signs of burnout can support strong decision-making in favor of your well-being, reducing and eliminating harm to your physical body and emotional self-connection. There are 5 specific ways burnout impacts you, but they are not all obvious, and some signs can masquerade as something else, so let’s unpack them.
Exhaustion. We’ve all felt tired, and there are circumstances that make us tired (sick family members, a cold/flu, over-extended schedules, etc.). This makes it hard to tell when fatigue is a normal response to a busy and full life and when it’s a sign of burnout. Here are signs that help you determine if feeling tired is normal for you or a sign to pay attention to:
- Mental exhaustion, you can’t focus on routine or simple things that normally don’t present a challenge for you
- Everything requires a lot of effort (even the simplest actions tire you out)
- Your energy just isn’t bouncing back like it usually does, even after a break or rest
- Unusual and persistent fatigue before you even begin work, and/or before you’re done work (without another clear cause)
- Not having energy away from work (i.e., on the weekends or on vacation) to do the things you want to do or to just enjoy life
Mental Distancing (AKA disengagement). Another way burnout can impact you at work is when you stop caring, even though that’s dangerous for your career and job security. You’ve reached a point of disengagement that clouds rationality. You no longer have the motivation or patience to keep the “filter” in place; the one that lets in what you need to care about, and keeps out the rest. Burnout signs can include:
- Struggling to get excited about the things that normally get you excited at work and/or in life (i.e., a vacation feels like an overwhelming task rather than a fun, relaxing break)
- Cynicism shows up and stays; unchallenged negative thoughts become beliefs about others, work and/or life (i.e., “It doesn’t matter what I say or do, no one else cares anyway…”)
- You no longer care what you say out loud, or who hears you; a lack of concern about how others experience you that is in contradiction to your normal way of being, or your values and/or career desires
- You have emotional armor (or emotional scar tissue) that keeps you from having to feel anything more, to protect you from your own raw vulnerability because you have nothing left to give; this may be expressed by avoiding/distancing yourself from work/others (i.e., you stop going to meetings, no longer interact with certain people or you avoid specific activities, etc.)
Cognitive Impairment (AKA forgetfulness or “brain farts”). When life is full everyone gets forgetful from time to time. With burnout, you start to think something is really wrong; forgetfulness and brain farting has reached a whole other level, negatively impacting your work and life:
- You forget to do routine things, like taking your keys out of the front door lock, miss important meetings/appointments you wanted to attend
- You have trouble staying focused, or thinking clearly, which can include difficulty making simple decisions or following everyday conversations/instructions that normally would be easy for you
- You’re easily distracted and have difficulty concentrating, making mistakes you wouldn’t normally make, or taking much more time than you usually would to complete routine/simple tasks
Persistent exhaustion, disengagement, and forgetfulness are the three most prevalent signs of burnout. When looked at in isolation, it’s easy to explain away some of these signs and symptoms (like anemia, (peri)menopause, etc.) but when these are constant, or they lead to emotional/physical impairment, you may be on your way to big “B” burnout. Some professionals I’ve worked with recount a series of “mini burnout” episodes over months or years (each one more difficult than the last to recover from), while others experience an unrelenting period of frustration, stress, and pressure that claimed their health within weeks. No one’s experience is the same, but there are signs you’re at the cliff’s edge:
Emotional Impairment. This sign of burnout is clear; it’s the inability to control your emotions even when you want/need to.
- Crying, or having another unwelcome emotional outburst like anger (unexpectedly, or disproportionate to events); being unable to feel it coming on, or stop it even when you know it’s coming
- Pervasive irritability that you know is unwarranted, but you cannot control or stop and is obvious/becoming obvious to others, so much so it’s impacting yourself (confidence) and others (relationships)
- Lack of ability to manage emotions you can usually manage; a new inability to respond appropriately in everyday situations (i.e., reacting angrily at small things that wouldn’t normally trigger a reaction, and/or the anger is completely unexpected and disproportionate to events)
Physical Impairment. The repetitive stress injury you had sorted out and is now back, the need to see your massage therapist at least once a week - these may all be signs of a busy life, or they could be your body’s way of telling you there’s a deeper problem. Here’s what to look for:
- New persistent concerns with sleeping (falling asleep or staying asleep at night) that don’t have another clear cause
- New, unexplained, or persistent panic attacks, heart palpitations, etc.
- Continual and possibly unexplained stomach/digestive complaints, jaw/teeth issues (grinding/clenching), headaches, skin irritations, muscle aches, joint pain and/or frequently getting sick (catching every cold and flu that’s going around, and that’s unusual for you)
- Emergence of persistent and invasive physical symptoms that require tests or medical guidance to diagnose/manage and have a link to stress/inflammation
- Re-emergence of an injury, illness or autoimmune disease that was managed in the past and flares due to stress (rather than explainable progression)
Big “B” burnout happens when you just can’t continue your normal activities in any sphere of your life and have to stop, whether you want to or not.
I care about you, so if you’re experiencing one or more of these signs of burnout, please speak with your doctor or therapist. While there is no therapeutic definition of burnout in North America, doctors and therapists know what to look for and can make recommendations that support your health and well-being. A visit to your doctor can also bring you peace of mind, in case it’s something else that can be addressed with medical attention.
As helpful as my definitions can be, there is no replacement for sound medical advice.
Your Intuition IS the Sign
Your intuition is a vital part of aligning your values, principles, and actions. Too often people I know (family, friends, and clients) ignore their intuition when it’s trying to protect them and end up suffering with debilitating conditions like persistent migraines, digestive issues, exhaustion, and other serious health concerns. Every one of my clients has said going over the burnout cliff was a surprise, but it wasn’t all that surprising when they looked back on the signals leading up to it. There are always signs, but you may not be able to “read” them. Emotional dis-connection means you can’t consistently access your intuition, and that’s never a good thing. When you can’t hear your “gut” talking, or you’re actively ignoring it because what it’s saying is scary or inconvenient, you’re missing out on vital wisdom that protects your well-being.
I already mentioned this in the introduction, but it bears repeating. You already know what you need to do to prevent burnout; you’ve probably given others advice about burnout that you’re not taking. But, if your intuition has been talking to you about your risks, it’s the sign you’ve been waiting for. It’s time to make your well-being the priority, no matter how inconvenient that is for others. It’s time to take control of your future, so you don’t compromise your ability to choose what’s right for you. Because here’s the thing (and your gut and I are on the same page on this one, you can check); leaving it up to burnout to decide when you “get” to step away from work takes all your power away, because you don’t get to decide if it’s exhaustion, or a heart attack that takes you out. Yes, you may be exercising regularly and eating well, but that is not enough to save you from falling off the burnout cliff. Don’t get me wrong, keep doing that stuff, but those things keep you physically healthy, which is not the same as caring for your emotional health. Both emotional and physical health are needed to prevent burnout.
Take back your power. Know the signs of burnout before you go over the cliff. You can have career success without self-destruction, and if you don’t know how to do that, there’s no shame in that. None of us were taught this, which is why we’re not talking about it and why there’s a lot of silent suffering. Time to break the silence, and recognize you can build skills that keep you from burning out, even if the path forward looks daunting. None of us know role models that consistently demonstrate how to get to success without the self-destruction.
Until now.
When you look for any little sign to give you permission to push yourself to the extreme, and if, like me, you’ve been ignoring the clear signs your body is telling you then you need what’s in the rest of this book so you can stop trying to figure this out on your own. Consider Ginny and Jaimie’s stories.
Thinking you have to do it all alone means you’re at risk of burning out not once but several times, each more intense than the last until over the cliff you go. Reaching out for help was what kept these amazing women from burning out again and then helped them make changes that empowered their ability to thrive at work without changing jobs. I’m here as your guide, right here beside you, supporting you as you continue through this book. Then beyond that, as you learn to live and work on your terms, without burnout.
Check in with your intuition. What’s it saying? How is it communicating to you? Is it saying it through physical feelings (like discomfort or pain)? If you were to give your intuition a voice, what words would it express? What 1 word comes to mind? My intuition used to say “Uh oh!” a lot. What’s yours saying? That’s the sign you’ve been waiting for.
What would it feel like to have the career success you deserve and dream of without burnout? You only get there when you listen and respond to your own needs. Your intuition knows you best. It knows how to take care of your well-being. It knows how to help you and give yourself the belonging, respect, and love you deserve. Stop and listen to what it’s saying.
Chapter 3
Confidence Killers
I’ve never been a confident person. Growing up I was waiting for the “Confidence Fairy” to show up. (The boob and thigh fairies came and really blessed me, so I expected confidence to be close behind.) Bitch never showed. Imposter syndrome has been my guiding spirit, whispering to me to put on a mask and hide my flaws. Case-in-point, if you meet me in person, you’d have no idea that I have social anxiety; I couldn’t make small talk in rooms filled with people, but I now have strategies, thanks to my therapist. Socializing with others still exhausts me, and I still replay, then judge, every single word I say, but I’m learning to care less. Learning to “shrink the room” to just one or two meaningful conversations (rather than needing to have a dozen meaningless exchanges) really helped me reduce my anxiety in social settings. One of the things I learned to do as part of working with my anxiety is listen to my intuition. It lets me know when I’ve had enough, and listening to it means I can give myself permission to leave with no guilt, keeping my self-esteem intact.
But listening to your intuition is only half the battle. The other half is having the energy and confidence to do what you need to thrive at work. Many professionals use resilience as a tool here. Resilience has become a whole THING. It’s heralded as a way to empower people at work, but the reality can be quite different, making it feel like you’re not coping well (when in fact you are). When you persistently have to push past your energy limits to do things, you rob yourself of vital self-confidence in the process.
Resilience is a personal quality. But when it’s the only tool you have to get through the day it shifts from being a quality to an emotional energy emergency fund. But it’s not an unlimited reserve of emotional energy. Resilience is important for our emotional health, but it also creates the conditions for exploitation. That’s when resilience can be a real confidence killer in the slyest of ways, making you feel like you are falling short if you can’t be resilient (when resilience is telling you what you really need is a break). And it’s not the only confidence killer. So, here’s what you need to catch hidden confidence killers in the act to keep your resilience topped up and your confidence healthy, starting with boiled frogs (yup, you read that right).
You may have heard the boiled frog story before; it goes like this:
A frog placed in boiling water will have the good sense to jump out and save itself. However, a frog put in temperate water will stay, and as the water temperature gradually heats up, the frog adjusts to it. Until it’s boiled to death.
You’re the frog. Stress is the water. Resilience is how you cope with the heat.
Stress isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It’s what motivates us to get the right things done, make habit changes, enjoy something exhilarating (like falling in love), or endeavor to learn new skills. That’s “good” stress. Resilience can help you through periods of concurrent stress and keep your confidence in place. When stress becomes long-term, however, resilience - or what’s left of it - is the thing that makes you go to work even though you know your wellness is compromised and you’re depleting those limited reserves. Well-being is about having a level of stress in your life that isn’t demotivating to you or damaging to your health, allowing you to recharge your energy and rebuild your resilience. When I ask my clients about their stress levels at work, the response is often, “It’s fine.”
That question isn't really about how they feel right now. It’s about how long they’ve been in the water.
I Can Get Out Anytime I Like
What doesn’t get enough attention at work is stress duration and stressor overlap. Work deadlines get heaped one on top of the other, so while projects come and go, you face a concurrent number of stressful things that keep pressure prolonged and high (I call this state “permacrisis,” and many of us experience this state at work). Never mind the normal stress that comes from your personal circumstances (sick kiddos, financial pinches, etc.). You may also have little to no control over the stressors themselves, leaning into resilience to get you through, like when you have to bring your “A-game” to work, even though you were up all night worrying or caring for a sick toddler, etc.
This is how the impacts of over-work and overwhelm hide in the “water” of work. You think the stress is time-bound, which creates the myth that you’re near the end: “It’ll let up when…” or, “It’s just until…” Because of this, you commit to making it work, pulling through using resilience (and excellent planning skills). This short-term stress expectation is also the reason so many women on the burnout spectrum are looking for resources to boost their time management skills (it’s not your time management skills). The “it’s just for now” myth lulls you into a false sense of security regarding the amount of time you’ve been under persistent stress. The associated impacts on your health and well-being have nothing to do with your ability to use your time well (but can leave you questioning these skills and impacting your confidence).
This invisible way stress moves from being time-bound to perpetual is one of the reasons you’re losing confidence in your abilities to get all the things done. This is also why a weekend completely away from work may not recharge you, or why a week-long vacation just doesn’t feel like it was enough to get you back to full capacity - but you tell yourself you just had a break, so that can’t be it. Thinking the solution must be with your planning skills, and completely ignoring what your intuition is saying, is damaging to your self-esteem. Your intuition and confidence have coffee together regularly, they’re close companions so if you ignore one, you’re side-lining the other (and both of them know you’re great at time management).
But listening to your intuition is only half the battle. The other half is having the energy and confidence to do what you need to thrive at work. Many professionals use resilience as a tool here. Resilience has become a whole THING. It’s heralded as a way to empower people at work, but the reality can be quite different, making it feel like you’re not coping well (when in fact you are). When you persistently have to push past your energy limits to do things, you rob yourself of vital self-confidence in the process.
Resilience is a personal quality. But when it’s the only tool you have to get through the day it shifts from being a quality to an emotional energy emergency fund. But it’s not an unlimited reserve of emotional energy. Resilience is important for our emotional health, but it also creates the conditions for exploitation. That’s when resilience can be a real confidence killer in the slyest of ways, making you feel like you are falling short if you can’t be resilient (when resilience is telling you what you really need is a break). And it’s not the only confidence killer. So, here’s what you need to catch hidden confidence killers in the act to keep your resilience topped up and your confidence healthy, starting with boiled frogs (yup, you read that right).
You may have heard the boiled frog story before; it goes like this:
A frog placed in boiling water will have the good sense to jump out and save itself. However, a frog put in temperate water will stay, and as the water temperature gradually heats up, the frog adjusts to it. Until it’s boiled to death.
You’re the frog. Stress is the water. Resilience is how you cope with the heat.
Stress isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It’s what motivates us to get the right things done, make habit changes, enjoy something exhilarating (like falling in love), or endeavor to learn new skills. That’s “good” stress. Resilience can help you through periods of concurrent stress and keep your confidence in place. When stress becomes long-term, however, resilience - or what’s left of it - is the thing that makes you go to work even though you know your wellness is compromised and you’re depleting those limited reserves. Well-being is about having a level of stress in your life that isn’t demotivating to you or damaging to your health, allowing you to recharge your energy and rebuild your resilience. When I ask my clients about their stress levels at work, the response is often, “It’s fine.”
That question isn't really about how they feel right now. It’s about how long they’ve been in the water.
I Can Get Out Anytime I Like
What doesn’t get enough attention at work is stress duration and stressor overlap. Work deadlines get heaped one on top of the other, so while projects come and go, you face a concurrent number of stressful things that keep pressure prolonged and high (I call this state “permacrisis,” and many of us experience this state at work). Never mind the normal stress that comes from your personal circumstances (sick kiddos, financial pinches, etc.). You may also have little to no control over the stressors themselves, leaning into resilience to get you through, like when you have to bring your “A-game” to work, even though you were up all night worrying or caring for a sick toddler, etc.
This is how the impacts of over-work and overwhelm hide in the “water” of work. You think the stress is time-bound, which creates the myth that you’re near the end: “It’ll let up when…” or, “It’s just until…” Because of this, you commit to making it work, pulling through using resilience (and excellent planning skills). This short-term stress expectation is also the reason so many women on the burnout spectrum are looking for resources to boost their time management skills (it’s not your time management skills). The “it’s just for now” myth lulls you into a false sense of security regarding the amount of time you’ve been under persistent stress. The associated impacts on your health and well-being have nothing to do with your ability to use your time well (but can leave you questioning these skills and impacting your confidence).
This invisible way stress moves from being time-bound to perpetual is one of the reasons you’re losing confidence in your abilities to get all the things done. This is also why a weekend completely away from work may not recharge you, or why a week-long vacation just doesn’t feel like it was enough to get you back to full capacity - but you tell yourself you just had a break, so that can’t be it. Thinking the solution must be with your planning skills, and completely ignoring what your intuition is saying, is damaging to your self-esteem. Your intuition and confidence have coffee together regularly, they’re close companions so if you ignore one, you’re side-lining the other (and both of them know you’re great at time management).
Stress can also lure you into hyper-focus, where you push through long hours to meet a specific deadline or busy period, alleviating the pressure on you at work. “I’ll work late this week just to get this big report done…” The assumption each of us makes with this approach is that this creates no additional stress elsewhere in our life (or for our well-being), but can create a scenario where your confidence in your abilities (as a professional, as a parent, as a spouse…) is marginalized because you don’t have time to attend to the things that are important to you, or for you. The sad truth here is when you say “yes” to something extra at work, you’re saying “no” to something else. You’re saying “no” to making yourself a priority, “no” to enjoying activities with your family, etc.
Over time, this erodes both your confidence and your well-being. We’ve all done it, “Just until…” is the prevalent thinking we’ve all used to deal with stress at work. It's thinking the stress will end that creates real harm. But in many modern workplaces, time crunches and deadlines operate on a perpetual cycle (#permacrisis), and the stress doesn’t really end.
So, let me ask you this: How long have you been in the “water”? Are you humid, damp, wet, or completely pruney and waterlogged? Check in with your intuition and hang on to that answer because we’ll explore this more in Chapter Four.
Today, hard work has even less influence on reducing workload and deadline anxiety than it did in the past; you do what you can to control the stress, which becomes a full-time job because it’s no longer about getting ahead or catching up; it’s about staying in the water as the temperature soars. Case-in-point, many professionals put in extra hours not to complete work but to stay on top of email. Anyone who’s burned out stayed in the pot beyond the boiling point because they didn’t understand the impact on their health as the temperature gradually increased. Or they felt the heat and relied on resilience to get them through until things cooled off, and when they didn’t, they ran into a scenario where they had nothing left to give. This is the impact of exploited resilience. It disempowers you, making you feel like you can’t keep up, do good work, or make a difference when, in reality, you’re under-resourced and over-worked. All of this affects your self-confidence, but you’re no quitter! You’re a principled professional who stands by your values as a way to figure out how to make all this work. And there’s no way that could go wrong, could it?
The Problem with Values
Values are some of my favorite things to explore when coaching because they are a vital part of your “emotional GPS system.” Values help steer you towards the things that feel “right” and away from what feels “wrong.” They empower making decisions that align with your principles, pointing you towards actions that feel genuine and support your self-confidence. Values are what helps you to have the impact you want to have on others, on work, and in the world. They help you build and express your self-worth. They are also a key part of your emotional health.
I define values as deep-rooted ethics based on lived experiences that set the parameters for what you will and won’t do and what you will and won’t tolerate, guiding how you choose to act. A lot of literature, quotes, and corporate exercises make values seem like a “magic bullet” for success. They play a role in your success, but what’s not discussed is how they can get in your way. Here’s an example:
Selma called me because she was conflicted; she loved her job but thought she might need to find a new one; she wanted to talk to an expert to confirm her biggest fears. She was doing work she loved at a non-profit, something she was very passionate about supporting. However, she’d recently been promoted and asked to keep a hand-in with the work she did in her previous role. While excited about the promotion, Selma was struggling to keep up with the learning curve and the vital tasks she kept from her previous role. Selma felt like an imposter, unable to keep up with the demands on her time or be successful in her new role. The pressure was overwhelming.
Selma realized she had to find a way to help her boss understand she had too much on her plate, but she wasn’t getting anywhere. Her boss explained they had no choice. They couldn’t back-fill her old role, and she was the only one in the organization who could do those tasks. Selma really struggled to accept this, feeling a growing disappointment in her manager, who was not being realistic about what one person could do. Selma felt herself losing confidence in her boss, in her organization, and in herself while simultaneously losing the battle with her “To Do” list. She really thought her only way out was to quit because she recognized she was doing neither her new or her old role justice, and that didn’t sit well with her value of being of service to others.
I asked Selma what it would be like to stay at this job she loved but find a way forward that wasn’t damaging to her well-being, values or self-esteem. She was skeptical but listening. Over the next few weeks, Selma and I strategized on ways to work with her manager, finding ways to set realistic expectations that recognized her dual role; she also learned to give herself a break on her own expectations, which allowed her to keep her values in play but also in check. Not always easy, but with time and practice it allowed her to feel she was gaining ground at work. Through her coaching program, Selma learned how to continue expressing her deep passion for her work while getting comfortable with delivering “just enough.” This empowered her to stay in the job she loved and be of service, keeping her self-esteem and well-being intact.
What Selma’s example illustrates is that values serve us well up to a point. Within your most treasured values, you have those you use with precision and balance but also those you over-express and a few you under-express[i]. Never heard of this over/under-expression of values? It’s not well-known. It’s how your values can mess you up when you’re trying to do your best, especially if you’re putting yourself under pressure to produce. In that vulnerable emotional context, you’re in danger of hanging on too tightly, which leaves you at a higher risk for over or under value expression. This doesn’t happen overnight, our values form and evolve over time, meaning you may not be able to see this as it’s unfolding. Here’s why:
Over-expression of one or more of your values can happen for several reasons:
Values help direct how you move through the world, which then influences your impact and the way you’re perceived by others, all of which affect your self-confidence (both positively and negatively). When you’re doing everything in your power to make things right, and it’s not working, you may need a values check, because this is the invisible way values can kill your confidence. The unanticipated impacts of over-expressed values, both at work and at home, lead to stress, illness, and burnout.
In contrast, under-expressed values are those that don’t get enough of your time and attention, but you’d like them to. You know you have an under-expressed value in play when you say things like “If I only had more time.” “If only other things wouldn’t get in the way,” “If only I had more willpower.” etc.
Under-expressed values are important work-in-progress values. They are a natural part of growth and development. But they can also be a source of shame and self-judgment, eroding your confidence and resilience. When you don’t understand or develop your under-expressed values, your ability to grow is reduced. Worse still, is when you ignore them. This ultimately has an impact on your self-worth. Conversely, becoming more emotionally resourced and finding much-needed balance in how you express your values means they build your confidence and eliminate feelings of shame.
Over-expression of a value can also be a reaction (not a response) to a frustrating or concerning circumstance. Thinking you need to “fix”, “conform to”, or “control,” something is a rigid mindset that sets you up for failure. Over time, it greatly impacts your self-worth (“I’ll fix me/it!”). Especially when, inevitably, “I’ll fix it!” energy turns into shame, and you fall short of your own desired behaviors. The truth is you’re not being compassionate about the learning curve your values travel along to get to a balanced expression of themselves. This all leaves you feeling disappointed, hurt, angry, etc. You’re human, after all.
A good visual to help see what I mean is squeezing a ball of dough in your hand and tightening your grip. The soft dough squishes out between your fingers, leaving very little left in your palm. The dough represents the things you care about and are trying to hang on to. The more you clench, the less you have. This has a negative psychological impact, plus squeezing tightly is quickly fatiguing. Don’t just take my word for it. Try it right now. Clench your fist as hard as you can and see how long you can hold it before you tire or get a cramp. Rigidity, this tightening, is a common human behavior, a coping mechanism that helps you feel safe. You control the squeeze. Ultimately, it puts you further away from meeting your needs, or accepting what’s possible and what’s not. It prevents you from being able to contribute confidently - squeezing tight lacks self-compassion, something that is essential for self-confidence.
And sometimes, you’re the one unknowingly creating a confidence deficit for yourself because it’s hard to think clearly when you’re over-heating in the hot pot of work, which brings us to gaslighting.
The Gaslighting Effect
Gaslighting refers to being manipulated into thinking you’re the problem when really, you’re not, prompting you to shred your own self-confidence. The gaslighting effect happens when you feel you have to fix yourself to fit in or continue at work. This is so damaging because you’re convinced it’s you who has the problem, not work. So instead of solving the real problem, you double down on your efforts or keep trying different ways to handle the now overwhelming heat in your boiling pot. “It’s fine. I just need to learn better time management…” No, you really don’t.
Many of my clients bring up two points to justify why they continue to cope under less-than-ideal circumstances at work:
This is the gaslighting effect at work. These clients were downplaying the real impacts on their confidence and emotional well-being. And you know it’s bad when educated, reasonable, talented women are gaslighting themselves.
Gaslighting can also be a form of coping. While understandable, it’s not healthy. The reality is you may just be too tired and vulnerable from working in the heat to navigate a big change, so it makes more sense to justify keeping things the way they are. “It’ll get better. It can’t get any worse, can it?” While this is completely normal, if your workplace is the source of perpetual unwelcome stress and pressure, it’s not sustainable. It probably isn’t going to get better. As a boiling frog, jumping pots may not be the answer, but keeping the status quo isn’t either. And for anyone out there who still thinks it’s them and they’re just not adjusting properly to the heat (another form of the gaslight effect), do a temperature check, are you warm, hot, or cooked? No one functions well in an environment that sits at +35 Celsius (+95 Fahrenheit).
It’s not you. It’s the heat at work.
What happens when you’ve been in the heat too long? You become damaged and you suffer. Your protection, that nice healthy “skin” that is your self-esteem, slowly breaks down over time, peeling off bit by bit until you’re raw.
Suffering in Silence
Confidence killers make you feel like you’re the problem at work. When resilience gives way to overwhelm, you end up questioning your abilities, searching for time management techniques to save you (which inevitably fail because that’s not the problem), perpetuating the confidence crisis. The gaslighting effect puts you at risk of turning away from your own needs, further disconnecting you from yourself because what you need isn’t part of the status quo where you work. Even if gaslighting isn’t in play, you’re disempowered because you know you’re not at fault but you still have a problem you can’t solve by yourself. This creates emotional labor, which I define as the resilience it takes to conform to the expectations at work. Emotional labor often means continuing when your need for dignity, belonging, and respect aren’t consistently met, eroding your self-confidence, but you’re not giving up! Keeping your job is important, so you try to manage your needs at work (“It’s fine”) because that’s what’s in your control.
All of this creates a form of tunnel vision through self-censorship and judgment. Distancing yourself from your emotional needs is isolating, it’s not objective, or helpful. In fact, it’s incredibly damaging, increasing your risk for burnout. Actively turning away from your most basic human needs (dignity, belonging, and respect) puts you even further at risk of emotionally distancing from yourself. This limits your options and keeps you from being able to support your well-being through self-compassion and self-confidence when you need them the most. It can also mean you pull away from others or hide the way you’re feeling out of self-preservation or a fear of judgment. You’re not alone if you’ve had some form of the “Is it me? What can I do?” conversation with yourself. Many professionals have this moment of self-doubt because something is not right. And, if during that conversation, you decided it was you (or only up to you), then you likely did what the majority of high-functioning, emotionally mature, dedicated, caring professionals do. You decide, since you’re the one with the problem, you’ll be the solution. And that’s where emotional disconnect really punches you in the gut because you’re not at fault. You’re not broken. You don’t need to “fix” anything about yourself.
I don’t know about you, but I’m fed up with always being the problem. I’m not perfect by a long stretch, but I also know I’m the best damn thing that happened to many of the jobs I’ve held (my intuition is clear on this point). This confidence in my work is something I’ve only been able to access in the rear-view mirror, too late to keep me from burning out. What’s needed is a way for all of us to see what we bring to the table in the here and now. So, what would happen if instead of telling yourself, “I can do better” when you feel the pressure to produce, you asked yourself, “What’s making me doubt myself here?”
This is a question to reflect on without self-judgment. Listing your flaws perpetuates all the confidence killers at once. You are not the problem; you have a problem, and those are two very different things. If you need to get angry about what’s creating unreasonable heat in your life, do it! Anger is a “gateway” emotion, one you need to let yourself feel to get to the “ah-ah”. When I need to safely feel and process my anger I do it by stomping around my house cleaning. I don’t “ugly cry.” I “ugly clean.” If you visit my home and it smells like bleach, you can assume some shit is going down at work and I’m processing it.
You may have a different way of processing. It may be tears or screaming to the stars in deep frustration, which are also highly effective ways to process. After years of telling myself I shouldn’t be angry, upset, or frustrated, I saw that line of thinking for what it was: toxic, “be a good girl” bullshit.
I can be both “good” and completely pissed off all at the same time. I’m THAT talented (and so are you). Let your feelings flag fly in whatever way safely supports your process. Being angry, sad, disappointed, etc. is healthy when you use your emotions to point you to the source of the real problem, and it’s not you.
This is WHY getting to the real problem is important: The majority of problems that erode your confidence (and, by extension, your well-being) cannot be solved only by you, or by you making changes in isolation. Workplace problems were not created solely by you, so they cannot be solved solely by you. These are problems that need to be identified and then solved by involving others, sometimes by asserting what you need, and ensuring others play a role in participating in your care. Yup, boundaries. But, if you’re a boiled frog who’s just barely hanging in there (the gossamer shreds of your self-esteem disintegrating into the frothing water), you’re not about to expose yourself to more “heat” by relying on the same people who (consciously or unconsciously) turned the temperature up to “max”. You might be sitting in a pot of boiling water, but you’re not stupid!
[i] Life Values Inventory (2024) https://www.lifevaluesinventory.org/
Over time, this erodes both your confidence and your well-being. We’ve all done it, “Just until…” is the prevalent thinking we’ve all used to deal with stress at work. It's thinking the stress will end that creates real harm. But in many modern workplaces, time crunches and deadlines operate on a perpetual cycle (#permacrisis), and the stress doesn’t really end.
So, let me ask you this: How long have you been in the “water”? Are you humid, damp, wet, or completely pruney and waterlogged? Check in with your intuition and hang on to that answer because we’ll explore this more in Chapter Four.
Today, hard work has even less influence on reducing workload and deadline anxiety than it did in the past; you do what you can to control the stress, which becomes a full-time job because it’s no longer about getting ahead or catching up; it’s about staying in the water as the temperature soars. Case-in-point, many professionals put in extra hours not to complete work but to stay on top of email. Anyone who’s burned out stayed in the pot beyond the boiling point because they didn’t understand the impact on their health as the temperature gradually increased. Or they felt the heat and relied on resilience to get them through until things cooled off, and when they didn’t, they ran into a scenario where they had nothing left to give. This is the impact of exploited resilience. It disempowers you, making you feel like you can’t keep up, do good work, or make a difference when, in reality, you’re under-resourced and over-worked. All of this affects your self-confidence, but you’re no quitter! You’re a principled professional who stands by your values as a way to figure out how to make all this work. And there’s no way that could go wrong, could it?
The Problem with Values
Values are some of my favorite things to explore when coaching because they are a vital part of your “emotional GPS system.” Values help steer you towards the things that feel “right” and away from what feels “wrong.” They empower making decisions that align with your principles, pointing you towards actions that feel genuine and support your self-confidence. Values are what helps you to have the impact you want to have on others, on work, and in the world. They help you build and express your self-worth. They are also a key part of your emotional health.
I define values as deep-rooted ethics based on lived experiences that set the parameters for what you will and won’t do and what you will and won’t tolerate, guiding how you choose to act. A lot of literature, quotes, and corporate exercises make values seem like a “magic bullet” for success. They play a role in your success, but what’s not discussed is how they can get in your way. Here’s an example:
Selma called me because she was conflicted; she loved her job but thought she might need to find a new one; she wanted to talk to an expert to confirm her biggest fears. She was doing work she loved at a non-profit, something she was very passionate about supporting. However, she’d recently been promoted and asked to keep a hand-in with the work she did in her previous role. While excited about the promotion, Selma was struggling to keep up with the learning curve and the vital tasks she kept from her previous role. Selma felt like an imposter, unable to keep up with the demands on her time or be successful in her new role. The pressure was overwhelming.
Selma realized she had to find a way to help her boss understand she had too much on her plate, but she wasn’t getting anywhere. Her boss explained they had no choice. They couldn’t back-fill her old role, and she was the only one in the organization who could do those tasks. Selma really struggled to accept this, feeling a growing disappointment in her manager, who was not being realistic about what one person could do. Selma felt herself losing confidence in her boss, in her organization, and in herself while simultaneously losing the battle with her “To Do” list. She really thought her only way out was to quit because she recognized she was doing neither her new or her old role justice, and that didn’t sit well with her value of being of service to others.
I asked Selma what it would be like to stay at this job she loved but find a way forward that wasn’t damaging to her well-being, values or self-esteem. She was skeptical but listening. Over the next few weeks, Selma and I strategized on ways to work with her manager, finding ways to set realistic expectations that recognized her dual role; she also learned to give herself a break on her own expectations, which allowed her to keep her values in play but also in check. Not always easy, but with time and practice it allowed her to feel she was gaining ground at work. Through her coaching program, Selma learned how to continue expressing her deep passion for her work while getting comfortable with delivering “just enough.” This empowered her to stay in the job she loved and be of service, keeping her self-esteem and well-being intact.
What Selma’s example illustrates is that values serve us well up to a point. Within your most treasured values, you have those you use with precision and balance but also those you over-express and a few you under-express[i]. Never heard of this over/under-expression of values? It’s not well-known. It’s how your values can mess you up when you’re trying to do your best, especially if you’re putting yourself under pressure to produce. In that vulnerable emotional context, you’re in danger of hanging on too tightly, which leaves you at a higher risk for over or under value expression. This doesn’t happen overnight, our values form and evolve over time, meaning you may not be able to see this as it’s unfolding. Here’s why:
Over-expression of one or more of your values can happen for several reasons:
- You feel a “call to action” to act on your values, even when it’s not needed or may actually create problems for you (i.e., doing something you feel is important, but isn’t what your organization asked for, or needs right now). In this case, not acting on this value creates emotional discomfort for you. Or you convince yourself you can handle the strain that the extra effort creates, with mixed results. With this rationale, acting on your values, often in rigid, unchecked ways, can add to suffering, not reduce it.
- Over-expression can also happen when you’ve been exercising a value for a long time, but its role in your life has changed. Yet you’re still operating on cruise control, creating an unintended impact (i.e., saying yes to taking on something when you don’t have the time or interest, but you’re used to saying “yes” to these requests or don’t know how to say “no”).
- Lastly, your values may have you trapped because you’re emotionally dependent on them, even when the expression of a value causes you strain, and means you’re ignoring other values that would be more helpful. In other words, you get in your own way. This happens when you say “yes” to something you don’t have time for because it’s your moral duty to carry it out. For example, saying, “No one else can do it or will do it. It’s all up to me,” even when there’s no real need or moral imperative for you to complete it.
Values help direct how you move through the world, which then influences your impact and the way you’re perceived by others, all of which affect your self-confidence (both positively and negatively). When you’re doing everything in your power to make things right, and it’s not working, you may need a values check, because this is the invisible way values can kill your confidence. The unanticipated impacts of over-expressed values, both at work and at home, lead to stress, illness, and burnout.
In contrast, under-expressed values are those that don’t get enough of your time and attention, but you’d like them to. You know you have an under-expressed value in play when you say things like “If I only had more time.” “If only other things wouldn’t get in the way,” “If only I had more willpower.” etc.
- These values often reflect the personal goals you believe would improve your work and life but are difficult to establish habits around or conflict with other values or commitments you hold.
- Under-expressed values can be aspirational values you’re growing into but haven’t found a comfortable, genuine way of expressing yet.
- Ultimately, under-expressed values have some kind of challenge associated with them; sometimes the challenge is something you control (overcoming fear, gaining experience, etc.), and sometimes it’s outside of your control (financial resources, time conflicts, etc.).
Under-expressed values are important work-in-progress values. They are a natural part of growth and development. But they can also be a source of shame and self-judgment, eroding your confidence and resilience. When you don’t understand or develop your under-expressed values, your ability to grow is reduced. Worse still, is when you ignore them. This ultimately has an impact on your self-worth. Conversely, becoming more emotionally resourced and finding much-needed balance in how you express your values means they build your confidence and eliminate feelings of shame.
Over-expression of a value can also be a reaction (not a response) to a frustrating or concerning circumstance. Thinking you need to “fix”, “conform to”, or “control,” something is a rigid mindset that sets you up for failure. Over time, it greatly impacts your self-worth (“I’ll fix me/it!”). Especially when, inevitably, “I’ll fix it!” energy turns into shame, and you fall short of your own desired behaviors. The truth is you’re not being compassionate about the learning curve your values travel along to get to a balanced expression of themselves. This all leaves you feeling disappointed, hurt, angry, etc. You’re human, after all.
A good visual to help see what I mean is squeezing a ball of dough in your hand and tightening your grip. The soft dough squishes out between your fingers, leaving very little left in your palm. The dough represents the things you care about and are trying to hang on to. The more you clench, the less you have. This has a negative psychological impact, plus squeezing tightly is quickly fatiguing. Don’t just take my word for it. Try it right now. Clench your fist as hard as you can and see how long you can hold it before you tire or get a cramp. Rigidity, this tightening, is a common human behavior, a coping mechanism that helps you feel safe. You control the squeeze. Ultimately, it puts you further away from meeting your needs, or accepting what’s possible and what’s not. It prevents you from being able to contribute confidently - squeezing tight lacks self-compassion, something that is essential for self-confidence.
And sometimes, you’re the one unknowingly creating a confidence deficit for yourself because it’s hard to think clearly when you’re over-heating in the hot pot of work, which brings us to gaslighting.
The Gaslighting Effect
Gaslighting refers to being manipulated into thinking you’re the problem when really, you’re not, prompting you to shred your own self-confidence. The gaslighting effect happens when you feel you have to fix yourself to fit in or continue at work. This is so damaging because you’re convinced it’s you who has the problem, not work. So instead of solving the real problem, you double down on your efforts or keep trying different ways to handle the now overwhelming heat in your boiling pot. “It’s fine. I just need to learn better time management…” No, you really don’t.
Many of my clients bring up two points to justify why they continue to cope under less-than-ideal circumstances at work:
- They feel they’re the only ones who seem unable to cope. Everyone else seems to be thriving in the work hot pot.
- They have a growing and real concern that no matter how bad it is where they work today, it’s really not any better elsewhere, imagining a fate worse than boiling water.
This is the gaslighting effect at work. These clients were downplaying the real impacts on their confidence and emotional well-being. And you know it’s bad when educated, reasonable, talented women are gaslighting themselves.
Gaslighting can also be a form of coping. While understandable, it’s not healthy. The reality is you may just be too tired and vulnerable from working in the heat to navigate a big change, so it makes more sense to justify keeping things the way they are. “It’ll get better. It can’t get any worse, can it?” While this is completely normal, if your workplace is the source of perpetual unwelcome stress and pressure, it’s not sustainable. It probably isn’t going to get better. As a boiling frog, jumping pots may not be the answer, but keeping the status quo isn’t either. And for anyone out there who still thinks it’s them and they’re just not adjusting properly to the heat (another form of the gaslight effect), do a temperature check, are you warm, hot, or cooked? No one functions well in an environment that sits at +35 Celsius (+95 Fahrenheit).
It’s not you. It’s the heat at work.
What happens when you’ve been in the heat too long? You become damaged and you suffer. Your protection, that nice healthy “skin” that is your self-esteem, slowly breaks down over time, peeling off bit by bit until you’re raw.
Suffering in Silence
Confidence killers make you feel like you’re the problem at work. When resilience gives way to overwhelm, you end up questioning your abilities, searching for time management techniques to save you (which inevitably fail because that’s not the problem), perpetuating the confidence crisis. The gaslighting effect puts you at risk of turning away from your own needs, further disconnecting you from yourself because what you need isn’t part of the status quo where you work. Even if gaslighting isn’t in play, you’re disempowered because you know you’re not at fault but you still have a problem you can’t solve by yourself. This creates emotional labor, which I define as the resilience it takes to conform to the expectations at work. Emotional labor often means continuing when your need for dignity, belonging, and respect aren’t consistently met, eroding your self-confidence, but you’re not giving up! Keeping your job is important, so you try to manage your needs at work (“It’s fine”) because that’s what’s in your control.
All of this creates a form of tunnel vision through self-censorship and judgment. Distancing yourself from your emotional needs is isolating, it’s not objective, or helpful. In fact, it’s incredibly damaging, increasing your risk for burnout. Actively turning away from your most basic human needs (dignity, belonging, and respect) puts you even further at risk of emotionally distancing from yourself. This limits your options and keeps you from being able to support your well-being through self-compassion and self-confidence when you need them the most. It can also mean you pull away from others or hide the way you’re feeling out of self-preservation or a fear of judgment. You’re not alone if you’ve had some form of the “Is it me? What can I do?” conversation with yourself. Many professionals have this moment of self-doubt because something is not right. And, if during that conversation, you decided it was you (or only up to you), then you likely did what the majority of high-functioning, emotionally mature, dedicated, caring professionals do. You decide, since you’re the one with the problem, you’ll be the solution. And that’s where emotional disconnect really punches you in the gut because you’re not at fault. You’re not broken. You don’t need to “fix” anything about yourself.
I don’t know about you, but I’m fed up with always being the problem. I’m not perfect by a long stretch, but I also know I’m the best damn thing that happened to many of the jobs I’ve held (my intuition is clear on this point). This confidence in my work is something I’ve only been able to access in the rear-view mirror, too late to keep me from burning out. What’s needed is a way for all of us to see what we bring to the table in the here and now. So, what would happen if instead of telling yourself, “I can do better” when you feel the pressure to produce, you asked yourself, “What’s making me doubt myself here?”
This is a question to reflect on without self-judgment. Listing your flaws perpetuates all the confidence killers at once. You are not the problem; you have a problem, and those are two very different things. If you need to get angry about what’s creating unreasonable heat in your life, do it! Anger is a “gateway” emotion, one you need to let yourself feel to get to the “ah-ah”. When I need to safely feel and process my anger I do it by stomping around my house cleaning. I don’t “ugly cry.” I “ugly clean.” If you visit my home and it smells like bleach, you can assume some shit is going down at work and I’m processing it.
You may have a different way of processing. It may be tears or screaming to the stars in deep frustration, which are also highly effective ways to process. After years of telling myself I shouldn’t be angry, upset, or frustrated, I saw that line of thinking for what it was: toxic, “be a good girl” bullshit.
I can be both “good” and completely pissed off all at the same time. I’m THAT talented (and so are you). Let your feelings flag fly in whatever way safely supports your process. Being angry, sad, disappointed, etc. is healthy when you use your emotions to point you to the source of the real problem, and it’s not you.
This is WHY getting to the real problem is important: The majority of problems that erode your confidence (and, by extension, your well-being) cannot be solved only by you, or by you making changes in isolation. Workplace problems were not created solely by you, so they cannot be solved solely by you. These are problems that need to be identified and then solved by involving others, sometimes by asserting what you need, and ensuring others play a role in participating in your care. Yup, boundaries. But, if you’re a boiled frog who’s just barely hanging in there (the gossamer shreds of your self-esteem disintegrating into the frothing water), you’re not about to expose yourself to more “heat” by relying on the same people who (consciously or unconsciously) turned the temperature up to “max”. You might be sitting in a pot of boiling water, but you’re not stupid!
[i] Life Values Inventory (2024) https://www.lifevaluesinventory.org/