Unlock the Keys to Resilient Self-esteem

Self-esteem is vital to being able to enjoy your work and career, but it can also be frustratingly fleeting.  Point of order, it’s not self-esteem if it abandons you the moment you need it most (and if when you read that it spoke to you, you are not the only person whose feels their self-confidence is conditional).

Self-esteem is “valuing yourself while understanding and accepting both your strengths and weaknesses” (that is my definition). So often I have run across gifted professionals who felt the only time they could feel confidence was if there were no mistakes or issues hanging around (past or future).     

Mistakes are a certainty.  Weaknesses are a certainty.  So too are strengths and expertise.  You need to embrace them all.  How do you do that?

Self-esteem uses three areas of emotional intelligence. 1. Positive self-regard (accepting yourself warts and all). 2. Being self-actualized (working towards improving yourself and other personally meaningful long-term goals). 3. Understanding your emotional self-awareness (knowing when an emotion is present, what emotion it is and how to work with it).

Here are three simple ways to help your self-esteem become unconditional.

1. You are a work in progress (WIP). This means mistakes are part of the process; you don’t know what you don’t know and no one has a flawless memory.  What this calls on is the ability to see your perceived mistakes and flaws through the lens of self-compassion.  No one gets out of bed with the intention to screw up their day, or anyone else’s.  *Stuff* happens, life is imperfect, you don’t control the chaos (but that doesn’t mean you have to let it control you).  As a priceless WIP you will encounter times when you say to yourself “I’m not good at this!” – just don’t forget to add one of the most important words in the English language: “yet”. As in “I’m not good at this, yet!”.  In the middle of self-doubt, this is an act of emotional self-awareness.
2. See the lesson, not only the mistake. A mistake only follows you around, damaging your self-esteem (and your reputation) if you don’t do something constructive with it.  No one likes re-visiting a mistake they made, but sticking it in the “junk drawer of life” doesn’t work either (even if it never sees the light of day again, you have just made room for it live in you forever, impacting your self-esteem).  Instead of asking “Why me?” ask “What is this trying to teach me?”.  This engages your self-regard and builds new skills.
3. Weaknesses are just a strength you haven’t met yet.  OK, full disclosure, there are some things you will never be good at.  That said, as a professional you have likely made choices that steer the work you do away from those things, and into areas that continually challenge you with accessible ways to grow.  You do not have to be good at everything you touch, it’s a “bell curve”; 10-20% of the things you do are new to you and you are learning (new opportunities, challenges, etc.). 30-50% of the things you do you are experienced at doing, love to do and enjoy.  10-20% of the things you know how to do you have grown out of and no longer wish to do, or are moving away from doing them.  This happens with or without your permission.  However, with your intentional attention, this becomes fertile ground for growth and self-actualization.

You are perfectly imperfect (we all are), so be kind to yourself, because if you won’t be kind to yourself then no one else will either.  You can see how that would make it even harder to have resilient self-confidence, right?

Your emotional intelligence is what supports resilient self-esteem.

The best part is you can ALWAYS increase your emotional intelligence.  Ask me how.

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