Love Your Working Life
  • Work With Carleen
    • About Carleen
    • Career Strategy Session >
      • Get The Most Out Of Your Career Strategy Session
    • Podcasts
    • Coaching Programs >
      • Lead with Impact
      • Career Impact
      • Purpose to Impact
      • Recognize Your Leadership Potential >
        • Welcome to Recognizing Your Leadership Potential
      • Realize Your High Potential
      • The Art of Influence at Work
      • Your Time By Design
      • Assessment
    • Book Me To Speak >
      • Persuasive at Work
      • Workshops That Work >
        • Getting Hybrid Right
        • Leading a Hybrid Team Workshop
        • Communicating Comfortably in a Hybrid Setting Workshop
        • Finding Your Leadership Compass Hybrid Teams Workshop
        • Communicating Comfortably in a Virtual Setting Workshop
        • Leading in Ambiguity Workshop
        • Accomplishing Work Through Others Workshop
        • My Values Driven Workplace Workshop
        • Working Successfully From Home Workshop
        • Working Resilience
        • The Many Faces of Unconscious Bias Workshop
        • Building A Culture of Trust Workshop
        • Finding Your Leadership Compass Workshop
        • Foundational Conversations Workshop
        • Conscious Conversations Workshop
        • Purpose Driven Feedback Workshop
        • Dynamic Team Communication Workshop
    • Awards
  • Client Stories
  • Blog
  • Testimonials
  • Free Resources
    • Summer Serenity Inspiration Guide
    • Working Life Wellbeing Assessment
    • Hidden Habits Holding You Back
    • Secrets to Boost Your Job Security
    • Working Life Serenity
    • Virtual Influence
    • Hello Monday Videos
    • Career Resources
    • Life Practices >
      • I Feel Angry
      • I Feel Stuck
      • I Am Overwhelmed
      • I Need Self-Compassion
      • Emotions At Work
      • Mindfulness
      • Triggers At Work
      • Naming Emotions
      • I Feel Frustrated
    • Balancing Time Workbook
    • Working Life Persona Quiz
    • Career Health Quiz
    • Healthy Boundaries Quiz
  • Referral Partners
  • Connect
  • Subscribe
  • The Career Edit
BLOG

CREATE A WORK LIFE
​YOU CAN LOVE

The Trap Of "Not My Problem" Thinking

2/17/2017

 
Picture
One of the most difficult things to see when you are in the midst of the hardest part of life is what part you are playing in its hardships.  Things happen to us everyday we do not invite or deserve.  Being thrown up on by our toddler just as we are heading off to work, made late because we are held up in traffic, experiencing disrespect from our manager. None of this may be our fault but that is cold comfort compared to the impact it has on our day.  We can get very caught up in how unnecessary these things are.  We may even go so far as to blame others for these unfortunate circumstances.  My spouse fed the baby too quickly causing nausea.  I am the only one who fills up our car with gas, which puts me in the thick of rush hour.  My manager is really mean.
 
Who among us hasn’t had those thoughts or uttered those words (or something like them)?
 
One of the toughest things to do when faced with a circumstance that is not of our making is to stay with it and participate in the muck of it.  If we are not awake to what is happening around us, our first instinct is to react, to be defensive, to say “not me”.  And it truly may not be you.  You don’t control the way a growing toddler digests food, traffic flow or the way other people think.  You are likely going along trying to be the best (fill in your role here…parent, community member, employee…) you can possibly be.  So it is not unexpected, or even uncommon, that we distance ourselves from what is happening when things go wrong. 
 
Except that when we put ourselves outside of the problem, we cannot be part of the solution. 
 
When we cry “not it” and back away with our hands up, we are unable to participate in moving things forward constructively.  When things move forward without our involvement the same circumstance is more likely to repeat itself (or become worse), compounding our frustrations and our reactions.  The baby may throw up on us again, we hit gridlock constantly and our manager won’t get any better at respect.  What life calls for is a level of consciousness that lets in the AND, but you need to be in the problem to see it.  The baby threw up on me a few times this week and my spouse and I will take some time to look and see if baby is getting sick or if there is something we’re doing that is contributing.  Traffic is getting worse and I may need to look at a new route to work, shifting my commute times or shifting my working hours.  My manager is often disrespectful and unless I have a conversation with him/her it will never come to light that this is not working well for either of us.  
 
No judgement, no blame, just a calm look at what else is present that you do have control over and what influence you can exercise.  This is not easy.  It requires us to rise above the circumstance and to make a home for ourselves within the problem.  To do that we first need to manage how we feel because this fuels our reaction, and those feelings are based on our beliefs.  If we believe “this is not my fault” we are more likely to also feel that someone else should take responsibility to fix it.  Except that does not address how the problem impacts us, nor how it will continue to impact us if nothing changes.
 
Taking a closer look at yourself, picturing yourself inside the problem allows you to work within in.  It gives you options and influence over how the problem is resolved or addressed.  It also allows you to see how we play a part in our own misfortune, and in so doing, getting to the place where we can help to resolve it.  I have been rushing to get into work this week and not letting the baby’s tummy settle enough after eating before putting her in her snowsuit.  I am letting traffic make me late and not taking responsibility for how I could change my commute.  I am letting another person treat me with disrespect, enabling them to keep doing it.
 
You are not to blame for everything that happens to you, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t a problem you need to be actively involved in to solve.  Becoming aware of your role in helping to source a solution is the key to empowering you to influence, and bring forward, a win-win outcome for yourself and others.  We are the authors of our own misfortune, but we are also the authors of our destiny.  Which do you choose to write?


Comments are closed.

    Subscribe 

    Looking for a Blog? Search here:

    ABOUT MY BLOG

    I believe in empowering others in many tangible ways.  When I learn new career strategies  or see something that might help others, I share it using my blog and website. 

    View my profile on LinkedIn

    Archives

    January 2023
    December 2022
    November 2022
    October 2022
    August 2022
    July 2022
    June 2022
    May 2022
    April 2022
    March 2022
    February 2022
    January 2022
    November 2021
    October 2021
    September 2021
    August 2021
    July 2021
    June 2021
    May 2021
    April 2021
    March 2021
    February 2021
    December 2020
    November 2020
    October 2020
    August 2020
    April 2020
    March 2020
    February 2020
    January 2020
    December 2019
    November 2019
    October 2019
    September 2019
    August 2019
    July 2019
    June 2019
    May 2019
    April 2019
    March 2019
    February 2019
    January 2019
    December 2018
    November 2018
    October 2018
    September 2018
    August 2018
    July 2018
    June 2018
    May 2018
    April 2018
    March 2018
    February 2018
    January 2018
    December 2017
    November 2017
    October 2017
    September 2017
    June 2017
    May 2017
    April 2017
    March 2017
    February 2017
    January 2017
    October 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    March 2016
    February 2016
    January 2016
    December 2015
    November 2015
    October 2015
    September 2015
    July 2015
    June 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015
    March 2015
    February 2015
    January 2015
    December 2014
    November 2014
    October 2014
    September 2014
    August 2014
    December 2013

All photography on my website is courtesy of the generous artists at Pexels and Unsplash.
Book Your Career Strategy Session
Privacy Policy
Integral Coach™ is a registered trade-mark in Canada owned by Integral Coaching Canada Inc. and licensed to Carleen Hicks.

  • Work With Carleen
    • About Carleen
    • Career Strategy Session >
      • Get The Most Out Of Your Career Strategy Session
    • Podcasts
    • Coaching Programs >
      • Lead with Impact
      • Career Impact
      • Purpose to Impact
      • Recognize Your Leadership Potential >
        • Welcome to Recognizing Your Leadership Potential
      • Realize Your High Potential
      • The Art of Influence at Work
      • Your Time By Design
      • Assessment
    • Book Me To Speak >
      • Persuasive at Work
      • Workshops That Work >
        • Getting Hybrid Right
        • Leading a Hybrid Team Workshop
        • Communicating Comfortably in a Hybrid Setting Workshop
        • Finding Your Leadership Compass Hybrid Teams Workshop
        • Communicating Comfortably in a Virtual Setting Workshop
        • Leading in Ambiguity Workshop
        • Accomplishing Work Through Others Workshop
        • My Values Driven Workplace Workshop
        • Working Successfully From Home Workshop
        • Working Resilience
        • The Many Faces of Unconscious Bias Workshop
        • Building A Culture of Trust Workshop
        • Finding Your Leadership Compass Workshop
        • Foundational Conversations Workshop
        • Conscious Conversations Workshop
        • Purpose Driven Feedback Workshop
        • Dynamic Team Communication Workshop
    • Awards
  • Client Stories
  • Blog
  • Testimonials
  • Free Resources
    • Summer Serenity Inspiration Guide
    • Working Life Wellbeing Assessment
    • Hidden Habits Holding You Back
    • Secrets to Boost Your Job Security
    • Working Life Serenity
    • Virtual Influence
    • Hello Monday Videos
    • Career Resources
    • Life Practices >
      • I Feel Angry
      • I Feel Stuck
      • I Am Overwhelmed
      • I Need Self-Compassion
      • Emotions At Work
      • Mindfulness
      • Triggers At Work
      • Naming Emotions
      • I Feel Frustrated
    • Balancing Time Workbook
    • Working Life Persona Quiz
    • Career Health Quiz
    • Healthy Boundaries Quiz
  • Referral Partners
  • Connect
  • Subscribe
  • The Career Edit