(Ditching imposter syndrome feels like this)
It was a stunning revelation to me, on my own journey of self-awareness, that I had been making decisions in multiple facets of my life from a place of fear, rather than a place of trust. It was pervasive in my life (in things big and small). I simply did not trust myself enough to make decisions based on faith in myself. This will surprise anyone who knows me, because I projected a lot of ease and confidence during this period. And the Oscar for best interpretation of a strong confident woman goes to…
"Rather than being curious about whether what I feared was probable or not, it became just the way I operated..."
Making it worse is that in moving from a place of fear (unconsciously expecting the worst…of myself), I was also making assumptions, and telling myself stories, that reinforced that fear and lack of faith. Rather than being curious about whether what I feared was probable or not, it became just the way I operated – keeping myself in a constant state of low-grade fear. It’s a subtle and tricky thing, but now that I can see it, I cannot un-see it. It also explains a lot of what has happened in my career; results I didn’t get (even though I nearly killed myself trying to achieve them), interpersonal exchanges that didn’t go well, even though that was not my intention.
...being someone else in that conversation (an imposter) was what put me at risk in the first place..."
I once sat in a one-on-one meeting trying to manage my words so the other person wouldn’t blow up at me, and then causing a blow-up anyway because I wasn’t speaking enough. I knew this person was difficult going in, it was my fear of not being able to hold my temper that disconnected me from the skills I had to manage that exchange, for both of us. Moving from a place of fear put me immediately off balance, and left me at a high risk of being reactionary. It also reinforced the narrative that I was not enough. Here is the irony, being someone else in that conversation (an imposter) was what put me at risk in the first place. If I had acknowledged what I was concerned about (my temper), giving myself compassion (confirming I was more than my temper, I was enough), I could have trusted myself and there would have been a much better outcome. Too bad I made the real me sit on the bench. Well, no more.
"I am no longer some version of me I think the word wants to see, I am the real me..."
Real change happened when I started checking in to see where I was making my moves from – fear, or faith in myself. Doing this means I am more prepared to meet life head-on, rather than playing defense (being disconnected from myself, my gifts). I have survived 100% of my worst days; I am under no illusions, there are more challenges coming, I can tell you with 100% certainty I will manage those too. Not perfectly, but from a place of faith in myself that allows me to be more fully present for my needs, and the needs of those I work with and love.
I am no longer some version of me I think the word wants to see, I am the real me and I no longer mind what the word thinks of that: my intentions are kind and I am enough.
Ditch the imposter syndrome and let yourself thrive.