3 Ways to Get More Respect

7/31/2021

I have a professional pet peeve.  This pet peeve negatively impacts woman and minorities at work all the time.  It is used to devalue meaningful contributions in meetings.  It is so pervasive it holds people in all professions back from feeling valued and empowered in their workplace.

It’s the misunderstanding between what is assertive, and what is aggressive, communication.

Those two words tend to be used interchangeably, often implying through tone of voice (rather than choice of words) what the speaker means; “Well, she was assertive in the meeting today!”.  Confusing?  Very.

I work with very talented professionals every day, and this comes up a lot, particularly when we explore the benefits assertiveness has to offer at work.  Immediately I get a quick reaction: “Oh, I don’t like to interrupt others in meetings!”.  Or “I don’t want to be egotistical [pushy, harsh, brash, insistent, etc.], I don’t like it when others do that to me.”

I love the conscious awareness, please keep that, but there is a balancing act between being respectful and being nice. You want to aim for respectful, because in organizations, nice people often do “finish last” (as the saying goes).

Being assertive, and being aggressive are two completely different things, but I understand why there is confusion.  Beyond the fact we treat those words like they both mean the same thing – which they don’t - they share a lot of the same characteristics.

Both assertive and aggressive communication use interruption, both are clear about what the speaker wants, and both create awkwardness.

Let’s break that down:

Interruption

It feels impossible to be respectful AND interrupt someone, but the difference between doing this assertively and doing this aggressively is one stands up for the rights and respect of self (or others) and one does not. If you get cut off in a meeting, you have the moral right to put up your hand and respectfully ask to finish what you were saying. Awkward? Yes. Empowering? Oh yes (even if/when you continue to get interrupted).
The point is not to control the behaviour of others, but to assert your rights. When you do, one of two things will happen; you will get more respect from others (and eventually there will be more civility in meetings) or you won’t, but you’ll still have stood up for yourself (supporting your self-esteem). Either way, with others who also value respect at work, you are instantly more credible (usually that is at least half the room).

Clarity

This means you need to be clear about what you want/need, and your communication choices support the right words, with the right tone and matching body language to get that done.
When you speak clearly, politely, in a voice that can be heard with your body centered (sitting up straight, shoulders back) you project power through self-respect (in person or virtually). Not everyone else in the meeting may welcome that, but your power is undeniable.
Again, you can’t control the behaviour of others (they may still be ass hats), but you do control your behaviour. When you use respect and compassion as your guiding principles, assertive communication is empowering – you are showing the world how you belong (meaning your belonging is not ever in question).

Awkwardness

I love healthy awkwardness as a tool at work, even though I don’t like making things awkward. Creating that uncomfortable feeling for the right reasons is doing something very important. It is the ultimate sign that people are being made to think in new ways, and that empowers everyone.
As beautiful human beings learning is often accompanied by awkwardness (think about learning something new and how uncomfortable that feels in the beginning).
When you are working through something important professionally it deserves the courage to challenge assumptions, put forward alternate points of view and advocate for what is right. To do less means you risk compromising the outcome, and possibly even your values (this is how faulty products that can harm people knowingly get put on the market, as an example).

Assertiveness plays a huge role in your personal empowerment and career impact, but it is one of the least practiced tools in our organizations today because of the confusion between assertion and aggression.

So, here is your call to action: start powerful conversations on the differences between assertive and aggressive communication where you work (and if that feels like too far a reach, start by having these conversations at home). This is an important dialogue we need to have at work, bringing understanding and opportunity to have better discussions, which empower stronger outcomes, while building everyone’s confidence. Win/win/win.

And that is the biggest difference between assertive and aggressive communication. With assertive communication, everyone wins.

To support this powerful conversation where you work, share this infographic as a starting point.