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I am always struck by the role that curiosity plays in providing meaning in our lives, first for us, but also for the people we live and work with. This was highlighted in the December 2015 copy of The Atlantic (http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/), which shares an in-depth article on the challenges faced by parents and students from two high schools in Palo Alto, California. Somewhat inexplicably teens in this area face the highest suicide rates in North America (in a place with a complete absence of socioeconomic strife). In one touching quote a mother who had lost her son to suicide stated, “I should have been more curious…I should have stopped doing the laundry and looked at him and listened” (The Atlantic, December 2015, “The Silicon Valley Suicides”; Hanna Rosin, page 73). By all accounts these are loving and caring parents who provide for their children in wonderful ways. That mother’s acknowledgement emphasizes the role curiosity plays in how we not only enhance our own experience, but the experience of others, drawing deeper connections and shared understanding that sustains meaning. It is the glue that holds us together, or at least a key ingredient.
The absence of curiosity is something to be wary of. We know children are infinitely curious, asking us questions in rapid-fire succession or becoming intensely focused on following the minute movements of a bug. We expect it of them as there is so much that is new for them in the world. But gradually that newness (and the curiosity that goes with it) wears off. Our school systems in North America foster curiosity as a part of learning, but often by the time you graduate you’ve been exposed to the culture of providing “right answers” indelibly imprinted through testing (it always seems to come down to pass or fail). When people have experienced great trauma curiosity is a casualty, but it is not the only circumstance where we see it’s absence. Everyday life sometimes robs us of the inclination to explore, investigate and exercise curiosity; moving from one activity to the next, always focused on reaching a horizon that does not come any closer, restricting us to just perform what is needed to get through our day. Without curiosity things become very stale, very predictable, very narrow. There are fewer options, less opportunity and less connection, to oneself and others. Less potential. It is as if a light grows dim, but so gradually we have not noticed. Recently I spoke with someone who admitted to feeling confused by the fact that, after two years, she did not want to do her run in the very early mornings anymore, (an activity that helped to maintain her well-being), attributing it to the lack of light. Light, especially sunlight, is important to us for many health reasons, but that wasn’t the reason she was railing against early morning runs in the dark. It was the lack of connection, the inability to observe and be curious about the neighbourhoods (even the changing seasons) she ran through; in the dark she couldn’t see anything well except puddles of streetlight. The inability to do anything but put one foot in front of the other for the sake of exercise and “feeding” nothing else was no longer enough. Literally and figuratively it had become too “dim” to be useful to her. We need curiosity to support us in daily life, which begs the question, what role does being curious play in your life? How does it support you? Has it been a long time since something sincerely piqued your interest? Have you expressed attentiveness in the lives of the people around you or has your curiosity dimmed to the point where you are unable to muster the tenants of real connection (beyond the “niceties”)? Do you think you know the people you love so well you no longer need to ask deep questions? When was the last time you had a robust conversation, one where you asked as many questions as you answered? A conversation where you were curious to know something on behalf of building shared meaning? In leadership curiosity is our greatest ally; it is what keeps the proverbial shoe store out of our mouths. I have previously written about Hicks’ Rule of Three (Listen, March 2015) – always ask at least three questions before making a pronouncement, giving advice or providing feedback. It is unfailing guidance when used in context with great listening skills and open mindedness, but it too requires curiosity to be genuine and authentic in its delivery, rather than rote or trite. How does curiosity serve you in leading from where you are? If you are not curious, what is fueling your everyday learning? What example does it set for others? Life is fast-paced and full, often too full. Curiosity is frequently the collateral damage incurred when we move too quickly with too much on our plates. However, we also need to be curious about the potential that damage has, possibly extending well beyond just ourselves as exemplified (albeit in an extreme way) by the earlier quote from a mother who lost her son to suicide. It reminds us that a lack of consistently expressed curiosity has the ability to impact everyone around us too. Re-awaken a deeper level of curiosity within yourself; it is always there ready to support you as you move through your day. Ask meaningful questions. Start a powerful conversation. Order something you have never eaten before for lunch. Watch a bug eating a leaf (and wonder that they can eat the whole thing even though it is many times their size). Find a new adventure; take a new route to work. Go make a snow angel in the yard and see how long it takes your family to find it. See if you can remember how to swing without first being “pushed”. Curiosity is more then just connection, it is also the continuous link to our own well-being and it exists in every nanosecond between thought and action. When we choose to slow down enough we can “hear” it. What is curiosity asking of you? It has much to give, listen and find out. Carleen Hicks is a certified Integral Professional Coach™ and EQ-i 2.0 Practitioner. She uses a unique perspective from her experience as a Leadership Coach and HR Professional to help people reach their full potential. See more of her blogs on Everyday Potential at http://www.chhr.ca and check out her Resources page to find great books, blogs and web sites that support professional growth and development. The other day I encountered the question “What would you do if you were not afraid”? It made me wonder, how often does fear guide our decisions (directly or indirectly)? It’s something to consider, especially given that fear comes on a continuum. To put this continuum into context, consider Maslow’s Hierarchy of Human Needs, a simple guide that allows us to better understand where fear can disrupt us and how it presents itself. According to Maslow, our very basic needs are food, water and shelter; when these are not in place it becomes the focus of daily existence. The next level of need is about the security of the resources that come with keeping what you have attained in the first level safe; having the basics means you can build a family, gain employment and buy property to further ensure the sustainability of life. The third level is about love and belonging (both family and community), being accepted into social groups where we feel a sense of security – there is safety in numbers. This progresses to the fourth level in the hierarchy, the one where achievement and the esteem of others enables self-confidence and the ability to be valued for our accomplishments (which also helps to promote the items in levels 1 to 3 to new levels of fullness). The upper-most level, level five (the “pinnacle”), is self-actualization where we experience the realization of our full potential. It’s at the top for a reason, it is hard to attain, and once you do, it can be hard to hang on to as life constantly changes and new “pinnacles” emerge (or the original pinnacle disappears).
There are many ways to look at the things that make us human, but Maslow’s hierarchy is a simple and approachable base to start from. Inherent within it you can see where fear creates disruption and how, no matter where we think we are in that hierarchy, fear can come in at any level and undermine us. While many of us have the great fortune not to worry about food/water/shelter, and most of us consider ourselves a part of communities (starting with our own families) where we feel accepted and secure, it doesn’t mean that we will experience a greater absence of fear (although we certainly have that opportunity). Where you are in the hierarchy determines what is fearful to you and what that fear is on behalf of. As an example, you can only be afraid of the loss of a good job if you have one present in your life; what you fear will disrupt that relationship can come from any of the levels; from societal disruption (i.e. economic collapse or warfare) to the perception of your own skills (self regard). How does fear stand in our way? How does it keep us from reaching our goals? There is a cost to fear that we may not consider in our day-to-day lives, but can be seen when we look at it in another context: flying. Since 9/11 the cost to travel by plane has increased, most noticeably in the amount of time needed to get on a plane, but also in terms of airport fees, etc. to pay for the infrastructure needed to process passengers in a way that is consistent with updated security measures. This is not to say that these are unneeded precautions, but the cost of achieving safe flight has gone up appreciably due to fear. Fear always has a price tag associated with it, both a societal and an individual one. Looking at it from the context of your own life, are there things you have resisted acting on due to fear? Things like going to see your doctor, seeking approval to start a project, asking for a promotion and/or a raise, letting that really great idea out of your mind and into the hands of others to see if it is as good as you think it is? If so, what is it costing you? What is it costing the people you care about? Fear presents itself in many ways; anxiety, anger, shame, indecision, exhaustion…the list goes on. These are the emotions we carry with us when fear is present and they don’t support us being at our best, nor do they help us to be there for others in meaningful ways. Allowing ourselves to really feel our fear (and why it is present for us) is something we avoid as part of the human condition (constructively and destructively) but it is the key to unlocking it. At the bottom of every unmet expectation, fueling every unhealthy comparison, and silently shutting down our ability to access our full potential is fear. Knowing what is creating fear allows us to consider how we want to address it. Fortunately fear is not an ever-present factor for most of us, but it is universal and it lies somewhere in our lives impacting what we do (or don’t do), limiting our opportunities. When we let it, fear can persistently disrupt us from getting to the place in life where we achieve self-actualization; that place where we initiate new things, consistently stretch and improve ourselves, and actively pursue meaningful goals leading to a highly rewarding and enjoyable life. So the question remains, what would you do if you were not afraid? Is time to find out? Carleen Hicks is a certified Integral Professional Coach™ and EQ-i 2.0 Practitioner. She uses a unique perspective from her experience as a Leadership Coach and HR Professional to help people reach their full potential. See more of her blogs on Everyday Potential at http://www.chhr.ca and check out her Resources page to find great books, blogs and web sites that support professional growth and development. It’s the easiest thing in the world to do, compare ourselves to another; our work to an ideal, our material wealth to that of others. We even compare ourselves to our past selves and often come up short! I had the privilege to worked with a brilliant Integral Master Coach™ who called this type of activity the “shoulds”, which goes something like this: “I should be a better parent”, “I should be higher positioned at my job”, “I should be more physically active”…and on the list goes. Before you know it you are covered in “should”.
On our course to be our best selves we often fall into the trap of comparing ourselves to something (a point in time or someone else), giving very little thought to how relevant that measure is. Along the way we make assumptions backed by emotional reasoning (as opposed to logic, because emotional reasoning often feels very logical, especially in the unchallenged sanctuary of our own minds), solidifying the idea that something needs to be different in order to be better. Therein lies the trap, we know the status quo doesn’t make things better, so inherent in the pursuit of “better” is the need to change in some tangible way, but what is it specifically that needs to change? We look outside of ourselves for examples of what “better” could look like and there is never a shortage of examples. When we exclusively look to others to complete our own vision of “better” we set ourselves up for failure. When we compare ourselves to other people’s best days of course we will fall short. Ask yourself if you are trying to measure yourself against “perfection” (intentionally or unintentionally), and evaluate how realistic that may be. It may also not occur to us that others may have used us as a model for something they aspire to reach. Think about it, the last time you bench-marked yourself against an ideal, did you tell the person who exemplified it that you used them as your model? Not likely (and bravo to you if you did, that took courage). Many of us would be intimidated to be the model someone else is setting as their benchmark, but then others are only able to see a specific facet of us, as opposed to the whole picture. And that is the point isn’t it? It is about the whole journey and not a single-point-in-time (an achievement, etc.) that makes us who we are. What is it specifically that needs to change? This is an important question worth considering. When we choose unreachable ideals and set out to achieve them we undermine our own potential. Heading towards a goal is a great pursuit, but a reasonable, objective and well thought out goal – not an ideal that is based on someone else’s truth, life and journey. It’s not an easy path to build your own goals; it takes courage, compassion, work and (most of all) objectivity. It is easier to go “shopping” for a model you can “see” and settle on that (making a giant assumption), quickly moving on to the next step in the process because action makes us feel like we are progressing, which can quickly replace reason, losing sight of the more sensible and measured “big picture”. However, the first step is the most critical – setting a realistic goal (with some flex in it to allow it to evolve) based on what you need using a holistic view of your life. Screw this step up and you are on the path to discouragement, self-judgment, and criticism…in a word, failure. Not a positive place to strive from in life. Choosing your goal is also choosing what and how you will measure your progress and how much wellbeing both the journey and the outcome will provide, that is why this step is so important. Many of us have found ourselves in a discouragement spiral, “should-ing” all over ourselves because we are not organized enough, educated enough…fill in your blank here. What is it specifically that needs to change? The way we approach personal goal setting, that is what needs to change. When we make comparisons, forming assumptions and acting on them, we become trapped in a discouragement spiral where not only do we diminish our own potential we are also much more likely to be critical and negative of others, projecting an image (either by full-on “broadcast” or more subtly leaking it out of our “edges”) that we are not enough. And when we feel we are not enough we are not in a position to help others; we cannot consistently be a supportive partner, a compassionate parent, caring leader, employee or community member. We miss opportunities, tangible life ones (like being asked to work on an exciting project), as well as the smaller ones (providing empathy needed by a friend or co-worker). Comparison is something to be mindful of; using it judiciously in your life is important. The milestones and ideals we set for ourselves are most powerful when they come from within, where they are not based on assumptions or the truths of others, but on our own life’s truths – our reality. When you take the time to evaluate the value of something from all aspects of your life, testing it, “wearing” it for a bit and seeing it’s potential (and how it may evolve), you are feeding something valuable within yourself. With this approach you are intrinsically telling yourself (while in the midst of contemplating change) that you are worth it…and you are. Carleen Hicks is a certified Integral Professional Coach™ and EQ-i 2.0 Practitioner. She uses a unique perspective from her experience as a Leadership Coach and HR Professional to help people reach their full potential. See more of her blogs on Everyday Potential at http://www.chhr.ca and check out her Resources page to find great books, blogs and web sites that support professional growth and development. When I hear about wondrous changes that people have undertaken there has always been a pivotal moment for them when it became clear that what had taken the individual thus far in life was not going to take her or him the whole way, while allowing their potential to be fully realized. Each of us can likely recall an “epiphany”, a “call to action” or a “life changing event” that was at the center of one of these stories - you may have experienced one yourself. They all sound inspirational and they are built on truth, but what the telling of these moments creates is a mythology around change, happiness and success that goes a little something like this:
You may be thinking you are more realistic then those three bullet points imply, but this kind of mythology sneaks up on us in many different ways. In her book “Daring Greatly” Bréné Brown recounts a strategy employed by one of her children’s teachers who used a marble jar to help her students better understand when they were collectively making the right choices. Good decisions merited marbles put in the jar; poor decisions and marbles came out of the jar. There was no discussion, just an acknowledgement that what went on for the class either added to, was neutral or took away from their shared experience and helped the students to see that everyone was accountable for that experience. It is a great anecdote, but the power in it was more in the exploration of the existence of a marble jar in the first place, because we each have a similar system; in life the marbles can be anything representing our emotions, actions or a more formal mental “points” system we keep. There are things that make us feel positive, neutral or negative but we never question the fact that the “jar” is there filling up or emptying. In her book Ms. Brown highlights how many of us (mistakenly) expect that if there were a disruptive force that really merited our attention, the jar would smash to pieces. This is the clear signal many of us are waiting for to tell us when we need to invest in a change. Yet, if you think about it, that is the worst possible time to do anything other than cope. A smashed jar exemplifies the things in life that are so disruptive they change almost everything; a cancer diagnosis, heart attack, divorce, death of a loved one, bankruptcy, the list goes on. These are examples of ”moments” and should you experience one you will know when it happens, in fact you’ll likely never forget it. It is about the number of marbles in the jar, not the jar itself. We do not fully control the jar itself - we can only influence it. Another way to look at this is through the lens Malcolm Gladwell presents in his books, particularly in “Tipping Point”. This is a man who knows about marbles; in fact he keenly observes their movement right up to the point when the jar ceases to be functional. His examination has lead to the theory that when things go vastly wrong it is not one major event that causes the cataclysm, it is a series of things, seemingly innocent and unconnected, that creates an environment where chaos comes to play. He uses the example of a airliner going down and points to the fact that in almost all cases of airline disasters there are a series of three things that go wrong, creating the catastrophic failure of a flight (despite safety regulations, back-up systems and rigorous training). A rush to de-ice the wings, a very passive comment from the co-pilot concerned about the effectiveness of that process and current weather conditions, a pre-existing work culture where the pilot makes the final flight decisions without collaboration or being questioned by his flight crew. Catastrophe. Three things, none of them related to each other in any real way until it ends in disaster. There were no marbles left in that jar. When it comes to our own lives we have choices we make every day, and one of them is to listen to what is happening both to others and ourselves. Some things are obvious; looking after our loved ones, driving safely, etc., all of these things keep marbles in the jar. But what about the seemingly unconnected events that can happen to everyone? The intermittent low energy that seems persistently to keep coming back; suddenly realizing your children are no longer concerned that you are not a part of their daily routines; distance from family and friends that grows unnoticed. That pain you feel in your wrist when you type for long periods of time or the loss of that “loving feeling” in a job you once would have sacrificed anything to get. We conveniently tell ourselves that it is “just until this project is over” or “just until I have my degree”; “once I am established at this job”, “once the children are a bit older” etc. The lies we tell ourselves are around how maintaining what we experience today keeps marbles in the jar; coping with the circumstance rather than looking at whether or not it is adding or taking away potential. Status quo does not keep marbles in the jar. Just like the example from Mr. Gladwell, it is listening to the little things that cry out for our attention that keeps our marble jars full; those things we take for granted, or find hard, nagging, inconvenient, unimportant or “put-off-able”. Going to the Doctor, working a consistently healthy number of hours in the week, giving ourselves the time to have interesting life experiences, letting the everyday constancy of the people we love be present in small but meaningful ways, eating right and exercising to name but a few. We hear the success stories of others, and there is always a moment that helped them to realize what they needed to do next, and it is built on their truth. As you collect these stories, keep in mind that hindsight is always 20/20 and as a society we’ve learned to emphasize the good things we experience when speaking to others. No one is going to tell you a story that starts out with “I was ignoring how many ‘marbles were leaving my jar’ because it was inconvenient to me at the time…”. Take a look at your marble jar and think about what you need to do to keep it’s level constant, then start thinking about how you can fill it to the brim. |
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