I have a professional pet peeve.  This pet peeve negatively impacts woman and minorities at work all the time.  It is used to devalue meaningful contributions in meetings.  It is so pervasive it holds people in all professions back from feeling valued and empowered in their workplace.
 
It’s the misunderstanding between what is assertive, and what is aggressive, communication.
 
Those two words tend to be used interchangeably, often implying through tone of voice (rather than choice of words) what the speaker means; “Well, she was assertive in the meeting today!”.  Confusing?  Very.
 
I work with very talented professionals every day, and this comes up a lot, particularly when we explore the benefits assertiveness has to offer at work.  Immediately I get a quick reaction: “Oh, I don’t like to interrupt others in meetings!”.  Or “I don’t want to be egotistical [pushy, harsh, brash, insistent, etc.], I don’t like it when others do that to me.”
 
I love the conscious awareness, please keep that, but there is a balancing act between being respectful and being nice. You want to aim for respectful, because in organizations, nice people often do “finish last” (as the saying goes).
 
Being assertive, and being aggressive are two completely different things, but I understand why there is confusion.  Beyond the fact we treat those words like they both mean the same thing – which they don’t - they share a lot of the same characteristics.  
 
Both assertive and aggressive communication use interruption, both are clear about what the speaker wants, and both create awkwardness.
 
Let’s break that down:
 
Interruption

• It feels impossible to be respectful AND interrupt someone, but the difference between doing this assertively and doing this aggressively is one stands up for the rights and respect of self (or others) and one does not.  If you get cut off in a meeting, you have the moral right to put up your hand and respectfully ask to finish what you were saying.  Awkward? Yes.  Empowering?  Oh yes (even if/when you continue to get interrupted).  
• The point is not to control the behaviour of others, but to assert your rights.  When you do, one of two things will happen; you will get more respect from others (and eventually there will be more civility in meetings) or you won’t, but you’ll still have stood up for yourself (supporting your self-esteem).  Either way, with others who also value respect at work, you are instantly more credible (usually that is at least half the room).

 
Clarity

• This means you need to be clear about what you want/need, and your communication choices support the right words, with the right tone and matching body language to get that done.  
• When you speak clearly, politely, in a voice that can be heard with your body centered (sitting up straight, shoulders back) you project power through self-respect (in person or virtually).  Not everyone else in the meeting may welcome that, but your power is undeniable.  
• Again, you can’t control the behaviour of others (they may still be ass hats), but you do control your behaviour. When you use respect and compassion as your guiding principles, assertive communication is empowering – you are showing the world how you belong (meaning your belonging is not ever in question).

 
Awkwardness

• I love healthy awkwardness as a tool at work, even though I don’t like making things awkward.  Creating that uncomfortable feeling for the right reasons is doing something very important.  It is the ultimate sign that people are being made to think in new ways, and that empowers everyone.  
• As beautiful human beings learning is often accompanied by awkwardness (think about learning something new and how uncomfortable that feels in the beginning).  
• When you are working through something important professionally it deserves the courage to challenge assumptions, put forward alternate points of view and advocate for what is right.  To do less means you risk compromising the outcome, and possibly even your values (this is how faulty products that can harm people knowingly get put on the market, as an example).

 
Assertiveness plays a huge role in your personal empowerment and career impact, but it is one of the least practiced tools in our organizations today because of the confusion between assertion and aggression.
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So, here is your call to action:  start powerful conversations on the differences between assertive and aggressive communication where you work (and if that feels like too far a reach, start by having these conversations at home).  This is an important dialogue we need to have at work, bringing understanding and opportunity to have better discussions, which empower stronger outcomes, while building everyone’s confidence.  Win/win/win.
 
And that is the biggest difference between assertive and aggressive communication.  With assertive communication, everyone wins.
 
To support this powerful conversation where you work, share this infographic as a starting point.

I had an interesting conversation the other day with someone struggling with her current role.  She knew she needed a change, but also remarked many times during our conversation that “I should be happy here.”
 
On the surface her job was a great fit for her.  She had flexible working hours, and really enjoyed the people with whom she was working, but there was something missing.  She couldn’t quite put her finger on it.
 
She was able to get in touch with it through our conversation, recognizing that she had changed a lot over the last five years, and her job had not.  She had outgrown many of her tasks, but was afraid of inviting chaos into her life by seeking out bigger assignments and more accountability.
 
She just didn’t see how she could have the type of work she wanted AND keep balance in her life.  She truly believed that to take more on, she would have to sacrifice something she valued.

Hot Tip #1, you never have to trade what you need for what you want in your career
 
Another client I spoke to knew he needed to move up or out of his current job, but with the uncertainties of COVID he didn’t think now was a good time to change jobs (within his current company or to another).  He didn’t know how to virtually build the relationships he would need to do well at his next job.
 
He also mentioned several times how grateful he was to have a good job.  He said it in a wistful way that implied if it were a crap job it’d be easier to make the decision he needs to for his career wellbeing. 

Hot tip #2, career change isn’t always comfortable, but it doesn’t have to be excruciating
 
Have you had similar thoughts lately?
 
It’s difficult to consider leaving a role that suits you really well (or leave a great employer).  In fact, you may not have to.  It’s intimidating to think you may have to leave your comfort zone to get more of what you want, but there are options that support change without sabotaging what you have today.
 
Here are some things to think about if you are putting off your career growth needs with “I should be happy” thinking:

• As the saying goes… “If all you have is hammer, everything looks like a nail.” (Abraham Maslow) when you see the advantages to staying where you are, compromising your growth and career trajectory seems like a small price to pay.  Think of it this way, you don’t actually have to make any changes to explore what change could look like for your career.  You have lots of tools at your fingertips, and exploration is a safe option for seeing what else is possible.  Just because you are on a “diet” doesn’t mean you can’t look at the menu…

 

• Growth is at the edge of your comfort zone.  This is both intimidating and exciting, and it’s easy to talk yourself out of making changes that feel big and uncertain.  So, don’t.  Taking big changes and break them up into smaller steps helps make this more manageable, allowing you more control along the way.  Need an example?  You may be interested in working in a different department at your current organization, but boldly asking for a job there feels inauthentic.  Instead, make time to network with the people who work there.  Get to know more about the work they do and how they feel about it.  Let them get to know you.  Then, if it feels right, make your intentions known.

 

• Should-ing.  This is a real thing, it’s when you say “I should do this...”, “I should do that…”.  Basically it’s a passive aggressive way to shred your confidence.  Be mindful of the number of times you “should” yourself, and keep a tally.  If you are doing this a lot during the day, make a list of all of your accomplishments so far (big and small).  You’ve come a long way in life and that is no accident – you’re an amazing person, a great employee and people are lucky to have you in their life.  Stop “should-ing” yourself.

 

• You need a plan.  The biggest thing holding professionals back from leveraging their potential and moving their careers forward in ways that are meaningful is the lack of planning.  Do you have a plan for your career?  Much like you needed a plan for completing your education, becoming a home owner, etc. you need a plan for your career.  You may have drifted into job opportunities and things worked out, but that leaves a lot to chance.  Take control of your destiny and plan where you want to go in your career so you can have everything you need to love your working life.

 
Gratitude is important, but when it becomes a reason not to make a change you need, it’s no longer gratitude.  There will always be reasons to stay where you are that make good sense, but if you are not happy then that needs to become your priority.
 
You don’t have to rush into anything you are not comfortable doing, and there are advantages to sitting back and seeing what it is you want to do with your one precious life before jumping into change.
 
You only get to go on this ride once, make it count.

I had a client ask me the other day what a made a career a “dream career”? Great question, “dream” is a very powerful word, and it means different things to different people.
 
A dream career is being able to have meaningful work in your profession for an employer who respects you and invests in your potential (or being able to get that kind of work elsewhere whenever you need to).  
 
It all starts with where you work right now and how healthy your current job is for you.  It’s not something you likely stopped to think about as you were getting set up in your professional life.
 
But knowing what makes a job healthy for you is a very important, especially as we move forward into the “new normal” post-pandemic.
 
So, how is your relationship with your job?  Find out using these 8 signs of a healthy job:

• Open communication:  You should be comfortable talking about any issues that come up at work with your manager, from job enrichment and work load, to more serious issues, such as mental and physical health concerns linked to your job or financial concerns (with respect to your salary, or financial concerns you have about your organization). Remember, communication needs to go both ways to be effective and consistent communication is key to the health of any relationship.

• Trust: Honesty and integrity are core to trust, but it also means you feel safe and comfortable with your team, manager and organization.  You know they won’t intentionally hurt you (physically or emotionally) and they have your best interests in mind (as you do theirs). They also respect you enough to encourage you to follow your intuition in your work and career, supporting your development (including the learning that comes from the occasional failure).

• Professional Boundaries:  Healthy relationships are best described as interdependent, and work is no exception. Interdependence means you rely on each other for mutual support but still maintain your identity as a unique person. You know you have the support of your manager and organization, but your self-esteem doesn’t depend solely on your job (or the people you work with constantly affirming you). Although you’re there for this job in meaningful ways, you don’t depend on it to get all your needs met. You have loved ones and connections outside of work, and other interests you pursue, that have nothing to do with your job (or even your profession) to support your welfare and fulfillment.

• Mutual Interests:  You’re interested in your organization’s goals, and the “thought leadership” there. You want to support this company to evolve and grow into the best it can be. You’re not stuck on how this organization “…used to be when I first started here…” Your organization is capable of reciprocating your openness and interest, using your growing skills and the evolution of where you want to go in your career to provide a healthy work experience. 

• Time Apart:  All work and no play is a recipe for burn-out.  Spending time away from your job is key to keeping things healthy.  This includes moderating your working hours (because your organization supports your need for healthy balance) and taking regular vacations.  As in any relationship, if you are together for every waking hour, you will suffocate personally and professionally.  Take time to consistently enjoy your loved ones, hobbies, and other interests outside of work.  If taking time away from work is career limiting (or means you’ll never work yourself out of the back-log), know you don’t have a healthy relationship with your job.

• Share A Laugh:  Even at work it’s important to make time for fun and spontaneity when the time is right. If you can joke and laugh together with your manager and team mates, that’s a good sign. Sometimes work gets chaotic and impacts everyone’s mood, creating disconnection that can temporarily change the tone of your relationships at work and make it hard to relate to each other. Being able to share lighter moments helps to relieve tension, even briefly, and strengthens relationships at work in tough times.

• Teamwork:  You can depend on your team; you have each other’s back. You know you can turn to them when you’re struggling, and you’re always ready to offer support when they need you (even when you don’t see eye to eye on something or have different goals, priorities and personalities).

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• You Have Difficult Conversations:  Even in healthy relationships, there are disagreements, frustrations (even anger) with each other. This is human and normal; it doesn’t mean your relationship with your job (or the people there) is unhealthy.  It feels awkward and vulnerable, but taking the steps to have difficult conversations when needed keeps your relationships at work, and to your work, healthy.  When you can address conflict without judgment or contempt you find compromises and solutions that support a healthy working environment. 

 
Dream careers don’t just happen.  Just as with any worthwhile relationship, it’s something you have to work on every day.  No one’s career is perfect, but your career can be meaningful and contribute to your healthy lifestyle.

One of the biggest complaints I hear from clients who work from home are the lack of boundaries between home and work.  It’s an important topic as you consider how you want to work and live when we emerge from the pandemic.
 
It’s great to be able to work from your patio or deck (or the cottage) during the summer, but it also “pollutes” those spaces.  Rather than getting the relaxation vibe at work, you may accidentally end up creating a work vibe in your relaxation space.  Not cool.
 
You deserve to enjoy the beautiful spaces you’ve created in your home and life.  Decks, patios, gardens, balconies, etc. all benefit from seasonal spruce-ups (if not redecorating… or am I the only one watching videos on how to design your outdoor living space...).
 
Being able to create these kinds of sanctuaries is one of the reasons you work so hard, but they are useless when you don’t have time to enjoy them.  I LOVE sitting on my deck in the shade, hearing the wind rustling the leaves of the maples we planted with just this scenario in mind.  Our back deck has been a labour of love, and now (many years later), it has changed from a barren sun-burnt lawn to an oasis of calm where I like to spend as much time as I can.  But working from it?  There is a fine line between living to work and working to live and my deck is the boundary.
 
So, how do you enjoy the benefits of working from home and keep your sanctuary too?

Here are some strategies to consider:

• Right space, right task.  Working from your outdoor space is wonderful, but be specific about what parts of your work are appropriate for the great outdoors.  Neighbours and passers-by may be able to hear every word of your video conference and phone calls.  Bright sunlight may mean others can’t see you, even with your video on, and cool breezes feel really nice, but sound terrible through your microphone. Opt to work outdoors on those tasks that make sense.  
• Where do you focus best?  Everyone has a “formula” that works for them, what’s yours?  Consider if report writing and other focus tasks would benefit from a change of scenery, or if it’s more of a distraction.  Turning off notifications and putting on your “out-of-office” to let others know you are there, but committed to getting something completed for a few hours, will help reduce distractions and manage expectations so you can get stuff done no matter where you are sitting.
• Plan your location.  Not all of the things you do for work will work from a space designed to (literally) put your feet up.  Ergonomically it’s not suited for long-hauls and it’s not as convenient as your desk.  That doesn’t mean you can’t plan oasis time during the work day.  Look at your schedule each morning and see what opportunities there are for you to spend a few hours working from your favourite spot as a way to break up your day or week.
• Slip into glide. Consider working the last few hours of your day from a happy space to gently step into your downtime (particularly if you are going to be working past 5:00…).  Grab an iced coffee or tea to bridge you from work-time to relax-time.
• Consideration is key.  Working full-time from your “happy place” can kill the mood when you are not at work (that’s why you should never put your office in your bedroom).  Having options and choice is wonderful and, when balanced with working in a more dedicated home office space, can be beneficial for both your productivity and your down time.
• Recharge. It can feel impossible to ignore the pings that tell you e-mails are coming in, so use the settings on your smart phone to keep the notifications on during work time, and silence them for the rest.  If your work phone is different than your personal phone, put your work phone away for the night with your laptop, letting both you and your equipment recharge.

 
Of course, the best way to ensure working from home doesn’t become working for your employer for an extra10-40 hours a week …for free… is to set (and keep) regular office hours.  It also helps to have a routine for leaving your work space that includes shutting it all down (or closing the door on it).  Hearing audible notifications going off is the biggest cause of boundary bleed between work time and home time – the very definition of noise pollution!
 
You work hard for many reasons, having a lovely home environment is likely one of them.  But, it’s no good to you if you can’t enjoy it. Working from home without boundaries can contribute to upsetting a space that was designed to give you sanctuary.  Working from home has a lot of benefits, but it means you need to be a good guardian of your time, allowing you to enjoy both.

Things are getting a little more normal every day.  Vaccinations and staged re-openings are signalling both the end of the pandemic and it messing with your daily life. And possibly signalling the end of the way you’ve been working for the past 16 months.  
 
The pandemic has been horrific for many, and I wouldn’t wish it to continue or re-occur.  However, there have been some welcome changes that I hope stick around long after the pandemic is gone.  Changes like no more waiting for my appointment at my doctor’s office and a continuation of seeing families doing more things, like hiking, cycling, and generally spending more quality time together.  
 
There is a reason you can’t easily buy the bike you want on-line or get a puppy right now, there is high demand because along with masks and physical distancing we’ve also embraced what it means to be able to spend more time doing things we enjoy with loved ones.  And a lot of us really like this welcome change in our schedules.  So much so, the thought of going back to work the way things were may have you wondering if you want to stay in your current job.
 
NPR (National Public Radio) recently published an article on exactly this topic referencing “the great resignation”, citing an unprecedented occurrence, high unemployment in the US AND a labour shortage, which is happening because many people are considering whether they want to go back to their previous roles, and opting for change.  While restaurant and retail workers are leading the charge, many other professionals are also taking a deep look at whether or not going back to the way things were (even with a hybrid model) is what they want.  
 
Are you one of them?
 
Going back to normal may mean a return to a hectic travel schedule that lost its appeal, or back to working with more rigidity, in some cases with high demands as organizations push to make up any pandemic shortfall in earnings.
 
Need help to decide whether you want to stay in your current role or join the great resignation? Here are some things to consider to help you see if you need to move on:

• You are not getting what you need to meet work expectations.  I work with lots of professionals and executives whose performance targets are so out of line with reality, it is soul-crushing.  Organizations can set aggressive targets, some of them are aspirational and some are a non-negotiable demand for results.  Either are fine if your organization is willing to give you the support (time, budget, people, recognition, etc.) you need to get the work done.  If not, then you just might be faced with a circumstance where you are set up to fail – I’ve helped hundreds of professionals re-negotiate their targets or find someplace else to invest their talents.
• You have to change who you are to stay employed.  Any job that asks you to park your values (which may include your morals and ethics), is asking too much.  If you feel you have to change who you are to stay employed, you may want to think about your career and employment options (did I mention there is a labour shortage?  You have options and I can help).
• You, or your profession, are not respected.  I had a client who was an accountant, and routinely called a “bean counter”, “tight-fisted” and many other stereotypical slurs based on his profession.  He hated it.  If your boss or team mates make derogatory comments or jokes at your expense (expecting you to just laugh it off), or if your profession is not well understood, is underutilized or if it’s referred to in a condescending way where you work, it may be time to go (which is what my client the accountant did, and he is now very happy working in an organization that values both him and his profession).
• You don’t trust your employer.  Or your boss.  If your employer does not have your best interests at heart, if they don’t seem to care about your welfare, or have unfair labour practices, please know that roughly 80% of employers are decent, well-meaning and offer a positive working experience.  Same goes for your boss.  Don’t let a few bad apples make you question your talent, or your value.  Find an employer who is worth your trust (I can help).
• Your work is controlling your “me” time.  A lot of professional work demands some over-time, but when that means you are “on-call”, expected to work evenings and weekends, or hop on a plane at a finger-snap, it’s time to re-think this employment relationship. Take one of my clients who’s an executive in a demanding firm, she worked with me to set better boundaries and is now much happier where she works (who knew her organization would respect her needs when she negotiated for them… as I said, 80% of employers offer a positive work experience, but you may still need to help them understand what works for you, and what doesn’t).
• You think you might be in the wrong job.  Everyone has doubts from time-to-time, that’s natural.  However, if you are worried you’re in the wrong job, then let’s chat.  Feeling like an imposter, or constantly on the verge of being “fired”, or just really unhappy because the work doesn’t light you up means you are compromising too much of your happiness to be there. I have a system that can help you figure out where you need to be.

 
Getting to the bottom of things BEFORE you hand in your resignation is key – you’re in a much stronger bargaining position when you have a clear picture of what needs to change, and how to change it (at your current job or the next).  If you don’t have that plan, you risk leaping “from the frying pan into the fire”.  Book a complimentary Career Strategy Session with me today to get your plan started, so you can make great career decisions that support the working life you deserve.