How do you take in the world around you?  We have two main modes of making sense of what is happening around us, our senses and our thoughts.  These are often used together, so it can be difficult to separate the two, yet there is value in understanding the habitual ways you interface with life and which of these two modes is influencing your experience.

Take your senses, they give you a lot of rich information.  As an example, when you first arrive at work you may be able to hear others arriving, saying “hello” to each other or the sounds of people putting their bags down, taking off jackets (zippp).  You may be able to smell someone’s coffee.  Maybe someone grabbed a fresh cinnamon bun on their way into work (ummmmm the smell of warm pastry with the unmistakable hit of spice).  These are all things you take in with your senses and it can be relaxing to sink into a sensory mode, enjoying the tableau this has to offer.  No thought or thinking, a present and natural way to take in the living “art” around you at work.

And then your phone rings, breaking you out of the “moment” and into thinking.  You wonder “Who is calling?  Is it urgent?”  The lingering smell of cinnamon reminds you that you are getting hungry.  You consider getting something to eat and then remember you have a meeting in 10 minutes so there is no time …oh and you had better go over that information you were sent yesterday prior to heading into the meeting.  You wonder if your colleague is in yet, because you have a few questions for her and want to squeeze that in before you go (it’s the only time you’ll catch her today).

Feel the difference?  Of course, we cannot stay in the sensory world all the time, especially at work.  Yet it is this world we lose touch with so quickly in our lives.  Seasons change and you barely notice the show nature is putting on outside.  Lists, “to do’s”, things need to be planned and done, and considered and discussed…we are each accountable for a lot in our lives; work, family, home.  So, which of these modes gets priority in your life?  How would it benefit your work and career to be more in the moment for yourself and others?

I have a friend who is wonderful at weaving these two modes together.  When you see him, he’ll get you excited about the food he can smell being prepared in the cafeteria, begin a guessing game to see what favourite they are making for lunch.  He does this in a genuine and authentic way that I now see is his way of inviting his sensory experiences deeper into his life.  Working with him is a breath of fresh air.  None of this gets in the way of professional connection, or the work we share.  It is all wrapped up in a beautiful example of someone who is able to balance these two modes …and it just feels good.
What does more balance between sensory and thinking modes have to offer your well-being at work?  Take a moment.  Take a few moments and see if there are opportunities for you to invite more of the richness your senses have to offer you into your day – you may be surprised by the impact the sensory mode has on your productivity and well-being.

“We don’t distinguish sensory objects from the things we think about, and this obscures our experience of the richness and natural beauty of the sensory world. – Andy Karr

Establishing mutual respect, and from there, nurturing trust, requires a commitment to doing things that may not feel comfortable, and may need a lot of emotional energy to carry through.  However, the outcomes include being able to incrementally, build trust and mutual respect with your boss so that when the time comes, you can present an out-of-the-box idea, or a contrasting point of view, and be heard.  This is where all your hard work pays off.

Influence.  A simple word that is also the holy grail of healthy working relationships everywhere.  The ability to get others to think in new and different ways, consider innovative options, or just to listen to you, is not only highly productive for your work, it supports well-being.  There is an “entrance condition” for influence, and that is trust.  You may not like someone personally, but that doesn’t exclude you from being able to trust him/her in the work they do.  Ever worked with someone whose communication style rubbed you the wrong way, but whom you also knew would absolutely hit their deadline?  Trust doesn’t always come dressed in friendship, or even likeability.  It comes from being consistent, communicative and clear.  What this means is you and your boss may not socialize with each other at the next staff bar-b-que, but together you can still be highly effective because you’ve both invested in the work you do for the organization and each other.

Influence requires trust, because before your boss can stick her/his neck out for you, he/she has to know that you are both aligned on what is important and meaningful in the work you do.  This requires you to know what your bosses’ priorities are, and not only the strategic or operational items, but also the way your boss likes to receive information.  Often, we communicate based on how we would like to be communicated to, not how we would like to be received by the listener.  Being able to understand how your boss likes to be communicated with is a highly effective way to continually build trust, and influence.  Does your boss like facts? Start there.  Does he need to know about planning or progress?  Use it.  Is she more concerned about how the work impacts others?  Tell her.  Is your boss intrigued by new ideas and novel approaches to solving problems?  Bring it.  All of these things will be important, but start with what is most important to your boss.  Figuring that out, and using this information in a helpful way, can make the work you do more effective.  This is not always an easy move, but if you spend time listening to the questions your boss asks, and how she/he communicates with your team, you’ll start to see a pattern emerging that can help you to re-orient your communication to better meet his/her needs.  You can also just ask how she/he prefers to receive information – a reasonable request that shows you are invested in your relationship at work.

Managing up doesn’t mean sacrificing your needs, if you feel your boss is being unethical (in word or deed), or is not upholding the values and principles of the organization, then you have an important decision to make.  You will not always be a good fit with your boss, but if there is absolutely nothing upon which to build a relationship that includes mutual respect, then consider what actions you could take (which may include speaking with your bosses’ boss, or looking for a different role). 

Managing up should always be about building and maintaining healthy relationships that are mutually satisfying and empower both parties to be more effective in their roles.  This will require you to practice emotional management (whether you like, or dislike, your boss) and have the hard conversations necessary to course-correct or re-align with each other (remember, your boss will be doing this too).  It also requires self-compassion.  As you learn, be gentle with yourself, mistakes are a part of the learning process. Know that even the journey towards mastering the skill of managing up can lead to increased working life well-being.

Managing up is an important way to cultivate relationships that allow you to be more effective at work.  If you think about a frustrating relationship you have in your working life, are you focused on making it more effective, or on being liked?  In the last segment we looked at the things that can get in the way of being able to build a healthy relationship with our boss, which were also all things we control.  Our judgment, bias, expectations and compassion.  Strong relationships are often thought to be built on likeability, but in fact they are built on mutual respect and trust (and if you happen to like each other, that is a bonus).  So, making it about the work you’re both invested in, and the organization you both support, will help you to build something healthy in this reporting relationship.

Trust is present when there is mutual respect.  Here again, it may be tempting to think that if someone likes you then there is mutual respect.  Usually, but did you know you can cultivate mutual respect without actually liking someone?  When you make it about the work, and what you share through the act of providing your expertise, skills and abilities (and less about whether or not you have anything personally in common with this individual), there will be enough common ground to build something together through your work.  A professional and personal connection is important to build over time, but when that isn’t easily present, start with the work and build from there. 

You may not like the way your boss provides feedback, or he/she may have an interpersonal style that sets your teeth on edge.  Mutual respect is about having the difficult conversations necessary to cut through the ways of working that stand between you and this other person.  You can only control yourself, but that also means you have to consider how to speak to your boss about any misunderstandings or ways that aren’t working.  You will be able to do this with more success if you can start with respecting your boss.  If respect isn’t present, then you are unlikely to find the approach, or the words, to maintain, or further, your working relationship together.  Bosses have a very tough job; often there is a lot of pressure, and office politics you as an employee can’t/shouldn’t see.  Ever work for a boss who was so transparent with you that it was demoralizing?  Yup, a good boss will balance what employees see and experience in their work with being healthily transparent, but that doesn’t always mean he/she will be perfect. 

Be compassionate with your boss, and in so doing, be willing to have a non-judgmental conversation with her/him about what is, and is not, working in your relationship.  Remember, it’s about ensuring you have what you need to be more effective at work, so think about what you would like to say with that frame in mind.  It can make the difference between telling your boss he/she is being too hard on you, and letting your boss know what is helpful to include in her/his feedback to you to get the results you both want.  One is about your emotions (and immediately makes things personal), the other is about being as effective as possible in the work (and comes from a position of mutual respect).

“…understand what your boss’s agenda is, helping them reach their key goals is an outstanding way to get their attention in a very positive way. Solutions, not problems.” – Karl Moore, McGill University Professor

This is the first in a three-part series of blogs to support building this key skill, and your influence, at work.

Managing up is an important skill to cultivate in today’s working environment, but it is also fraught with concern about authenticity and career-limiting-moves.  If you’ve ever worked for a boss you just couldn’t seem to connect with, you know exactly what I mean.  So, how can you manage up without blowing it?  The first thing to note is you only control yourself.  You may be as professional, collaborative, conciliatory and supportive as you possibly can be, and still not foster the type of relationship you’d hoped for with your manager. 

Fortunately, we often end up working with a boss we can connect with, which is what makes it more difficult when we have to work harder at forming a relationship with someone we don’t.  I’ve worked with many clients who sacrificed their self-esteem on the altar of “likeability”, it is a soul-shredding process.  Here is the truth, you and the people you work with are not always going to like each other (even with the best intentions).  We are all different and unique; to quote an esteemed colleague “You can’t like everyone, it would be weird if you did”.  Many of us feel, especially in reporting relationships, that we should like the people we depend on in our work.  It certainly makes life a lot easier, but it isn’t realistic.  Over the span of your 40+ year career, you are going to work with a lot of people you don’t enjoy, and from time-to-time that will include your boss.  Here is the tricky bit, forging healthy working relationships anyway, based on what is possible.  This is the crux of managing up.

What this requires of you is a lot of emotional management. This person, whom you feel uncomfortable talking to, or working with, is as deserving of your best as anyone else (assuming they are not a toxic person).  When we decided that someone is “lesser than” us, because of a character flaw we assign to them, then there can be no healthy relationship.  This means understanding your judgement, naming it, and seeing how it supports, or sabotages, your ability to build a relationship with this person.  What you want to do is leave the relationship door open enough to slowly build trust, looking for both what is possible and what is healthy in this relationship (a wise step to take even when you really like your boss).

This involves empathy.  Being able to put yourself in another person’s shoes, including your bosses’, is hard work, but it is necessary for building a healthy working relationship.  Examine your own biases about this person; what are they?  Are they conditional (“If you support my work, I’ll support yours…”)?  The best bosses will challenge your thinking from time to time, so that “condition” won’t build a healthy relationship.  Name your biases.  Then spend some time putting yourself in your bosses’ shoes; is he/she an introvert, or an extrovert?  New to managing people?  A “hands on” or a “hands off” leadership style?  Is he/she a subject-matter-expert (SME) in what your team does, or in something else?  What kind of demands, or pressure, does her/his job entail (and yours doesn’t)?  Getting curious about your boss and what matters most to him/her is a healthy step towards being able to better understand her/him in their work with you.

Nothing I’ve outlined above is easy or light work, but it doesn’t take long to do when you give yourself some dedicated time to sit and reflect.  Going into reflection with the intention to be open and compassionate with another person, to see what is possible (rather than what you assumed, expected or hoped for) is the starting point to managing up.

The only person you control is yourself and that makes you the best place to start.

“The goal of managing upward up is not to curry favor… it’s about being more effective.”
~ Liz Simpson, Harvard Business School