I have spent far too much of my life pretending to be comfortable in environments I am not - how about you?  In the past, my professional trade-offs were around likeability, thinking that was the way to fill my desire for secure employment.  “A relationship cannot be expected to fulfill all our needs; it only shows them to us and makes a modest contribution to their fulfillment.” (David Richo, How To be An Adult in Relationships, page 25).  Truth bomb, you can be laid off even when your organization likes your work.  Everyone needs to earn a living, so becoming attached to making relationships at work, work, is very human, but it doesn’t guarantee an organization can always afford to pay you.  The ability to love yourself in your chosen field is what allows you to be resilient in a labour market that is often unpredictable. 

If you don’t feel comfortable in your own skin, you will never be made whole by the esteem and love (professional or otherwise) of others in your work.  Even intimate partner relationships can only help fulfill 25% of our needs (another fact from David Richo’s powerful book).  The rest comes from a network of interpersonal relationships you hold with family, friends, colleagues – and the majority of it coming from the relationship you hold with yourself.  When you get your head wrapped around the fact that others cannot make you more secure, talented, or whole when you don’t feel that way about yourself, you have work to do. 

In my case, when I stopped caring so much about others liking me (especially as that is not in my power), and leaned into the need to be at peace with myself (and doing the necessary work to make that happen), a beautiful thing happened.  Others were more able to connect with me, allowing me to more easily build reliable relationships that support work I love.  My gifts and skills are now more accessible to others, and as a result I am more employable in a greater number of contexts (and less reliant on any one employer).

I fight the demons that tell me I am not enough every day.  They live inside me, and may always be there, but now they are held “in check” through self-acceptance and a growing understanding of my needs and how to meet them.  I now thrive without consistent affirmation from others in my work and, ironically, when I stopped seeking it, more consistent affirmation found me.  Loving yourself in your own life and work is what empowers true belonging.

“To trust ourselves does not mean we can be sure we will face life without fear, attachment, control, or entitlement.  To trust ourselves means that we surrender to being exactly who we are in each moment and that mindful awareness will kick in to show us an alternative to our ego habits.” – David Richo

Here is some gritty truth; I struggle with this time of year.  While the natural world takes advantage of the diminished light and curls up to restore itself through rest, humankind is barraged by exercise videos, diet plans, tightened budgets, and all manner of reminders of how we are not enough.  In essence, I find January to be a month of judgement. During these dark days, I feel bereft, like I’ve lost my light, the one I depend on to let me know I am OK.  Sadly, I do this to myself, focusing on goals not achieved, on my clothing size, credit card debt…just about everything you can pick at yourself for, and ensure an excruciatingly unobjective self-evaluation.  Can you relate?

Judgment does this, particularly self-judgement.  Objectivity is hard to maintain when there are prompts everywhere pointing to what you might lack – as a species we are wired to compare ourselves, our circumstances, and our results, to those of others.  It’s an act of self-preservation that was much needed when millennia ago we had to fight to ensure scarce resources (like food and water) were shared fairly within the tribe, but now in a digital age asserts itself as FOMO, comparison and shame.

Objectivity is an easy concept, but a difficult practice; yet one that gives us access to self-love.  Objectivity has the power to elevate your strengths, the things you have in hand that support your light, your fight, your well-being and your amazing potential.  It is all inside of you, perhaps right now it is hibernating as nature intends.  Wake it up.  It is time to be more than fair to yourself, to hear the self-judgment and to assert your objectivity in the face of it – you are more than your perceived flaws. 

Gratitude is a path that provides clear-headed and objective thoughts about who you are, empowering you to move from a place of what you have, rather than what you think you are missing.  Introspection is a brave and necessary act, but it often looks at the past – a place you cannot alter or change.  Within the acknowledgement and acceptance of your deficiencies are the bones of your strength (“I may not be where I want to be…yet”).  Listen, learn, accept (without judgment) to understand how you identify yourself is core to your way of being.  Gratitude keeps you in touch with all the ways you have, and are, enough.  Seek this light inside of you in these darker days, and you will feel your strength hold you, supporting you while you continue to become the truest, most whole version of yourself.

 “i hope that in twenty-twenty you become fluent in self-love.  i hope that this time next year you know your worth like it’s your mother tongue.” s.r.w.