We’ve all had those interpersonal interactions we wish we could take back.  Those moments when you were tongue-tied and at a loss for words, or when you had all the wrong words …and said them.  I’m as guilty as the next person of re-arguing my point in my head for days, trying to make sense of a vulnerable moment, or misguided exchange.  If I’m being honest with myself, sometimes I’m doing it to be right, justifying my words in my own mind, even when there is no hope that what I said ever could be “right”.  It’s hard reliving your worst moments over and over again in your mind, especially since you can’t go back in time and change what happened.

It’s a human thing to want to re-run the tape, erase the bits you don’t like, and record a better outcome.  That’s essentially what our brain is trying to give us when it won’t let something go.  So, how to get out of the loop?  When we are replaying things in our mind and having a hard time getting them to stop it’s usually because there is still something we need.  In most cases it’s a way to put it to rest, and the best way to do that is through intention.  Here are three simple and specific things you can do to stop the loop, allowing you to let go and move on (cue the nourishing deep breath).

• Stop Doing:  Acknowledge what you should consider not doing, with respect to this particular person, situation or issue.  Often looping happens out of a misguided sense that you can “fix it”.  You can’t …but you can celebrate what you learned.  Remember the wise words of this gentleman: “I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.” Thomas A. Edison
  
• Start Doing:  Along the way you probably noted something you could have done differently that would have worked better.  Make a note, it could be something you can apply in other circumstances or areas of your life - never underestimate the power of a learning mind.  “In the beginner’s mind there are many possibilities, but in the expert’s, there are few” Shunryu Suzuki
  
• Continue to Do:  You are a good person; you had a bad moment and that moment should not define you.  There was likely something you did in this interaction that was the right action, for the right reason at the right time.  What was it?  Even if the end result was far from desired, don’t throw the proverbial baby out with the bath water – what should you continue to pay attention to and to do?
  

These three steps are most valuable when you choose to look at them through the lens of deep self-compassion.  Doing these three things will get the incident out of your head and free you from the energy-sucking loop of replaying a painful moment.

There was a time when I became really frustrated, living the story I kept telling to myself in my head. It wasn’t a good story, I kept repeating the awful bits on a perpetual loop (like when I screwed up and missed significant business opportunities).  I became really sick of myself.  But I also found myself clinging to this cycle because I felt if I didn’t acknowledge my mistake in a meaningful way, I wouldn’t have learned anything and I would end up repeating it.  Pivot on the word “meaningful”, as repetition doesn’t actually guarantee meaning, but it did suck a lot of energy out of me and erode my confidence.  Not the definition I hold of meaningful, but then I was in a different place when this happened.

I love the outlook that time gives us, as if your whole life were unfolding on a spiral staircase; traveling upward we can see where we have come from, and look at it with 360 degrees of perspective.  The only time you are not traveling upwards is when you get stuck.  It is lonely on that circular stairway when you are trapped with only yourself and self-judgement for company.  The best ways to get un-stuck are to move differently.  Here are five approachable ways to do this:

• Challenge your routine.  Commute to work via a different route, sit in a different place at the dinner table, or in meetings.  Brush your teeth with your non-dominate hand.  Making these changes literally gives you new perspectives, which goes a long way to helping you access new perspectives in your mind and life.
• Move in new ways.  Put on some music and move to it; feeling punchy and aggressive?  Rock it out.  Feeling mired and heavy, put on slow classical and sway to it.  Then, change the tempo of the music from what you started with and move to it.  Moving your body in intentional, but new, ways helps you to think differently.
• Ask someone you don’t know out for coffee.  Use the time to get to know someone better.  Ask this person questions (you may need to think these up ahead of time).  Get out of your own head and start a conversation to intentionally spend your time focused on someone else, and make a new contact in the process.
• Take a class.  It doesn’t have to be work related.  There are on-line free tutorials for everything from watercolor painting to learning how to skateboard.  If you prefer live events, check your local community/recreation offerings for cost effective options that let you try new things without a big financial investment.  Do this not with the intention to master something, but to embrace being a beginner.
• Volunteer your time.  Run a food drive at work, help out at a hospital book fair or offer your time to a local soup kitchen.  There is nothing like giving back to others to help you see and feel the good in you, and to appreciate that your life is pretty awesome just the way it is right now.

Connection is becoming a hot topic in the business world, there is no shortage of great videos, books and articles outlining how connection makes us better leaders and more engaged employees.  But if it were that easy, then everyone would be doing it (as the saying goes).  So, while connection is key to being able to love not just what you do, but who you do it with (and for), it’s also not as simple as it appears in the headlines.  As beautiful human beings we are wired for connection.  But what does that even mean?

Connection is unique to each of us – we all have our own distinctive way of connecting, and it begins with being deeply in touch with what you value, your principles and your commitment to living your life with those as your compass.  This is not something we are taught in school, seldom are we asked what our purpose in life is.  It’s a big question, and it evolves over time.  Early in our careers our purpose sounds a lot like “get a job in my field”.  Mid-career, your purpose gets more precise and meaningful.

Purpose drives connection to you, and we can only connect with others as deeply as we are connected to ourselves.  At work, that connection may feel tenuous or very conditional, especially if you have lost your way and are aimlessly working without a “north star” helping you orient to something meaningful in your work life.  A first step in being able to connect to others, is connecting to yourself.  What is your purpose?

The second step is being realistic about what connection really looks like.  It’s not all “kumbaya” and good vibes. Connection at work means a commitment to staying with what holds meaning for you, for your work and employer; having those all-important difficult conversations with the intention to get to win/win in a world of competing interests and deadlines.  Often, when we decide to pursue connection in our work and interpersonal lives, we think our good intentions and positive outlook are all we need.  Connection is a path filled with obstacles and it is those obstacles that allow connection to happen at all.  How?  Unless and until we go through something meaningful together, we are not able to connect with others.  Solving for obstacles together (disagreements, problems, constraints) is what fuels connection to others (at work and at home) even when we start on opposite sides of an issue.  It’s not just the willingness to reach out and talk, it’s the commitment to having difficult conversations and staying with an emotional field that doesn’t always feel comfortable (yours and others).  That is what creates connection.

Connection is key to working life happiness, first with yourself (your purpose) and then with others. What are you connected to in your work?

When I reference the word “play” it conjures up images of children running through water sprinklers, and making paper arts only they can explain.  As children we did all sorts of fun things, not because we really knew what we were doing…not even because we were trying to master something, but simply because they were fun.

Adulthood has a way of taking play and making it a bad thing.  It doesn’t sound productive and useful in the working world, does it?  Yet even as adults, play is a vital part of expressing meaning and purpose, and who we are under the façade of “professional accountant” (or whatever your profession is).

In Alan Watts’ book The Taboo Against Knowing Who You Are he unpacks the word person, which comes from the Latin persona “which was originally the mega-phone mouthed mask used by actors in the open-air theatres of Greece and Rome, the mask through (per) which sound (sonus) came.”  I find it fascinating that what we put on display publicly is a version of ourselves, designed to help us each get through our days as successfully as possible (whatever “success” looks like for you).  In contrast, during play we are often our true, creative, silly, open, wonderful selves that allow us access to heartfelt expression of connection (or re-connection) to our real selves.  When was the last time you laughed so hard you hiccuped?  When was the last time you did something preposterous at work?  Audacious?  How about just plain fun?

We need play in our lives, both at home and at work.  In Western society we’ve taken play and made it un-fun (“I have to do 30 minutes on the treadmill each day…”).   Truth is, without play we lose access to the benefits of all our hard work, and, when we are not trying new things, being audacious or willing to be a “beginner” again, we are also losing relevance.  To our work and to those around us.  Play is a way to connect with those we love and those we respect, and to stay in touch with our deepest most innovative and resourceful selves.  These are the vital ingredients to being effective in our careers and work.

So, carve out some time to do that thing you’ve been wanting to indulge in your work; it may go nowhere, but if it was fun it’s still a win.  Go on, you know your inner child is begging you to.

My first paid job was looking after my siblings. Then other people’s kids, then working in a restaurant, a care home, a grocery store, a call center for the alumni association at my university.  My first “career” job was in a loft office in Winnipeg in the newly renovated Exchange District where I felt I had really “made it”, getting paid for the work I wanted to do and was in-line with my post-secondary education.

My path is typical; we take on our first paid jobs because we are offered them.  We take on the second phase of paid work because of a need for more income.  We take on the third set because it matches our career identification.  We take on the fourth set because by mid-career we have choice about what we do in our profession and where we do it.  Hopefully by the mid-career point everyone has had an opportunity to contribute to work they love in an environment that makes them feel comfortable, appreciated and offers still more opportunity to grow and evolve.

But the path to get to phase four (mid-career) can create some interesting patterns; striving to be “good” at what we do (using others as our “measuring stick”), or becoming “perfect” at our work.  Trying to please others.  Making decisions based on a fear of losing respect, or our job.  Seeking to fit in and belong.  All of these are things we do as a way of learning how to work in environments where we have needs, and making our needs compatible with an organization (and other people) who have their own needs.  But it also creates an environment where along the way we may lose connection to ourselves and meaning in our work.

Check in, why do you do this work you do?  With what purpose do you get out of bed every morning to provide your expertise and knowledge?  If you have an identified purpose in doing it, how does serving that purpose provide meaning in your life?  These are the essential questions we should all be asking ourselves (and answering).  Human beings have an organizing principle, our lives center around our purpose; without purpose we lose connection to meaning, and ultimately to ourselves. This means you could be in the right place, doing the right work for the right organization, and not be able to feel it, receiving no satisfaction or happiness for your labour.  Or, you could be pushing yourself to adapt to kinds of work (and a working environment) that is unhealthy for you.  These scenarios have an unsustainable impact on your well-being.

Our work and lives are also constantly evolving.  What gave you meaning and purpose at one phase in your career, will not provide the same benefits in another.  I remember the feeling of self-actualization I got from working in a role where I received business cards.  That was a big deal (you know, back in my 20’s).  Today my career stands on a stack of business cards that come and go with the evolving nature of my career and profession.  The only constant is change, and as our lives change (we marry, have kids, buy property, move, etc.) our needs change, and with that changes to what will give us meaning and purpose. This is not a “set and forget” but a call to keep connecting to what is meaningful for us as individuals; celebrating it when we have it, and committing to finding it when it is lost.
“The two most important days in your life are the day you were born and the day you discover why.” ~ Unknown

Emotions are happening to us all the time (whether we want them to or not).  It’s part of the human condition, and while many of us may say we are really good at compartmentalizing or managing our emotions, that still means we are experiencing them – they don’t go anywhere.

Let’s be honest, we’re talking about the emotions we don’t want, the unhappy, anxious, stress-inducing, angry, edgy, verge-of-tears type of emotions that no one wants to express publicly (or sometimes even privately).  We welcome the happy ones; they are so much easier to manage!  We feel we have more control over their expression, or, if we are really happy, excited, pleased, joyous, etc. the folks around us will be more accepting of seeing, even sharing, these emotions with us.

Our first hurdle is that we label emotions as either bad or good – like there is a “lower class” of feelings that really don’t deserve expression.  Emotions are actually neither positive nor negative, it is our belief system, and the interpretation of our emotions through beliefs, that bring into play this “good/bad” bias.  Emotions are simply a call to action, a way to get our attention when it needs to be directed towards something important.

So, what to do with those unwanted emotions that have a way of surfacing when we least expect it, or want them to?  Here is a guide to help you out:

Worry comes in many forms.  We worry that the kids may be getting sick (right before a family vacation), we worry about how we are perceived by others, and what the e-mail from your boss is all about (curse you e-mail pre-header pop-up!!!).  Worry is a constant for everyone (and different from anxiety, which is a whole other level), it is one of the things that is hard-wired into the human psyche because it is a call to action.  Without worry our deadlines would likely not be met, bills paid, or precautions taken.  Worry can be a healthy thing.

Worry comes in two types; the kind you can do something with and the kind you can’t.  Worrying about whether or not you will have relevant skills in the job market 30 years from now is an example of the type of worry you can do nothing about – you have no control over what the job market will look like then.  Worrying about whether you’ve got all your figures correctly represented in a presentation you are giving this week is the kind of worry you can do something about.  In fact, that kind of worry shows how much you care about your work and your organization, so give yourself a “high-five” for being a good person before putting your head down to double check your work.

The question is not what to do with the worry you can do something with, it’s what to do with all the worry you can do nothing about.  The worry that makes itself at home in your mind and isn’t easily dismissed or quieted.  The first thing to do with it is name it; worry.  Just like that.  Then to consider if it is constructive worry (something you can control) or unconstructive worry (something over which you have little to no control).  This helps you to apply discernment, leading you to take the action needed to dispel the worry (of note, worry itself is not an action, it is a state of mind).  Once you’ve identified something as an unconstructive worry there are a few things to think about.  This type of worry doesn’t actually have any benefit, it just sucks energy.  And while we are busy worrying away about something we cannot change or control, we are missing out on something else that may be of benefit to us in the present moment.  So, ask yourself if worrying about this will help you in any way?  If you worry about this now, what is passing you by?

The more often you name your worry, and the more often you examine your unconstructive worry, the better you become at putting it aside and living more in the present moment (it takes practice).  The present moment has a lot to offer you, like enjoying your commute (the sunshine, the trees leafing out, or the music on the radio) or a shower/bath (feeling the care you are giving to yourself, the warm water soothing your skin, the smell of your shampoo or the way the bubbles swirl into the drain).  It lets your mind rest and be ready for the next call to action when you do need to step back into the arena of life.

Give yourself the break you deserve.

Change is something that is constant.  Our lives never really stay the same, from altering our commute due to construction, to our beautiful aging bodies, we have a constant parade of change going on in our lives.  So, you’d think a welcome change we are trying to make for ourselves would be easy, right? 

"...when this system feels something costs too much energy, it signals our bodies to resist."

Sometimes. It depends of the size and scope of the change.  Upgrading to a new type of soap isn’t as demanding (energetically speaking) as upgrading to new e-mail software.  And that is at the heart of all change, the energy investment it takes to make the shift.  In addition to the mental investment needed to consciously do something new, we also have a system inside of us (called the limbic system) that is constantly monitoring what it “costs” us to do something.  The structures and interacting areas of the limbic system are involved in motivation, emotion, learning, and memory, so when this system feels something costs too much energy, it signals our bodies to resist.  Not our brain, our body.  It is an autonomous function that does not require conscious thought – it just happens.

"We pay attention to what is happening in our body when we are making changes in our life and use this awareness to our advantage."

What does all this mean?  It means the act of mentally choosing to change a behaviour requires us to re-wire our brains (the neural pathways associated with a specific task or action, like bypassing the sugar bowl at breakfast rather than dipping into it) AND rewire our bodies.  So how do we do that?  We pay attention to what is happening in our body when we are making changes in our life and use this awareness to our advantage.

"...yet as I contemplate my choices there is a subtle tension that arises in the muscles in my upper body..."

I’ll give you an example. I’m often at the mercy of drive-thru food for a mid-day meal.  When confronted with the menu board it’s easy to make poor dietary choices.  However, at many fast food joints there are one or two menu items that offer better nutrition, and yet as I contemplate my choices there is a subtle tension that arises in the muscles in my upper body.  These muscles relax when I contemplate the “usual” calorie loaded choice, and subtly flex again as I consider the less exciting but more nutritional choice.  Some of this is happening in my brain (“I really want that sugar-infused drink with my meal …but know I should opt for water instead) but some of it is the limbic system pushing me towards the usual choice so as to just get on with it and refuel, rather than burn more fuel figuring out how to make the “right” choice.

"...if I connect to what my body is signaling while I am in the midst of making a change, I can see what is going on and instead choose something new..."

Check it out for yourself using a change you are in the midst of making; what does your body do as you make the shift?  This is why it’s important to stay connected with what your body is feeling, and acknowledge the tension, or emotion, that is stored there.  Continuing with my example, if I connect to what my body is signaling while I am in the midst of making a change, I can see what is going on and instead choose something new, rather than caving in to the old pattern.  I can say “Hello limbic system, thanks for looking out for me and guiding me to make the quick and sure choice.  I know you’ll like this choice much better in the long term, and together we’ll make this a new pattern”.  It takes intention, consistency and time to make changes, ensure you attend to both your body and your brain when you embark on them and you’ll have a greater chance at success.

A way to get realistic about what will get done in the time that you have.

A few weeks ago in one of my Hello Monday videos (titled Working for “Free”?) I spoke about the time you may be “gifting” to your employer.  We give our time voluntarily for many reasons, but sometimes the scope creep of this gifted time is detrimental to our well-being (during a busy period, or over the long term).

Optimism bias is a real thing, and every human has it (yes, even the pessimists).  It is one of the reasons you keep going, despite the many challenges in your day (which is why it is baked into the human operating system). Optimism bias may also keep us from recognizing the impact of scope creep when our working life eats into our personal life.  Being objective about the hours you work, and what fits into those hours (realistically), is important, both at home AND at work. 

Do the math.  Take a look at the work you are accountable for delivering.  Estimate the hours it will realistically take to complete (best guess).  Next, calculate the number of work hours you have in the period you need to complete the work (i.e. a week, or a month).  Use the working hours you are paid for in that period, not the ones you “volunteer”.  Subtract from that number any statutory holidays, outside appointments or vacation time you know is booked.  Now, subtract from that total the number of hours you are in meetings or are already committed to something else at work.  That is your “real” number of hours available to work.  Take the number of hours needed to deliver your work minus the number of hours you actually have to work on those things. 

Example (weekly average for a 3-month planning window):
Time available (40 hrs/week)
            MINUS, Time unavailable (average of 2.5 hrs/week)
            EQUALS Time available/week = 37.5 hrs/week
 
Promised/committed work (32 hrs/week)
            PLUS, Time booked in meetings (18hrs/week)
            EQUALS Time utilized/week = 50 hrs/week
                       
DEFICIT = 12.5 hrs/week

Feeling optimistic?  Do the math because it makes possible a new conversation about which items matter at work, and which ones can wait.  When you have the figures, ask yourself what can get completed with a positive impact in the time you have?  What needs to shift?  Who can help you shift it?  What conversations do you need to initiate to help others see what is, and is not, going to be completed in the time you have to do this work?

This week an article appeared in the CBC news feed titled Workplace Wellness Returns Few Benefits.  It speaks to a study in the U. S. that looked at the return on investment for wellness initiatives at work and whether these initiatives are actually helping employees.  The outcome of the study was not positive.  This is the first published study of its kind and the researchers state strongly that more research needs to be done.  What I found interesting is it solely focused on giving employees access to more benefits (benefits by the way that many of us enjoy in Canada through group insurance or Medicare), like dieticians and other health care providers, and how it didn’t actually lower the costs of company-paid medical benefits, nor did it have any clinically measurable impact on the health of the employees (as compared to a control group without the additional support in the same organization).  It did not measure employee performance outcomes (i.e. sales and service for the locations with the increased benefits), revenue generated, nor did it baseline or determine the level of stress in the workplace itself (and its impact on employees) before beginning the study.

I juxtapose the article in CBC with a recent article from the Stanford School of Business titled The Workplace is Killing People, and Nobody Cares which is based on the work of Jeffery Pfeffer in his book Dying For a Paycheck.  Pfeffer’s book takes the position that more research is being conducted on the impact of stress and human well-being …and the causes of the stress that is impacting people’s health.  Shooting up the list of causes (beating out poor diet and exercise) is …you guessed it, work.  To quote Pfeffer “I look out at the workplace and I see stress, layoffs, longer hours, work-family conflict, enormous amounts of economic insecurity. I see a workplace that has become shockingly inhumane.” 

I mention these articles because increasing employee health and welfare at work is not an isolated responsibility that only employees own; it’s a partnership.  While employees have choices they can make to sustain, or increase, their physiological and mental health (including talking to their employer about what they need), everyone needs to make a living and many will do so in an environment that has negative consequences for their health.  From punishing commutes to feeling insecure at work, the levels of stress in the workplace are rising and have been for some time.  No one wants to put their livelihood in jeopardy; many remain in stressful environments out of fear of the consequences if they don’t.

Not everyone’s workplace is toxic, or the biggest cause of stress in their lives; clearly a lot more research needs to be done to determine what the right actions are to address both the health care crisis in our societies, and the well-being crisis in our workplaces.  However, one thing stood out in reading these two articles together.  Until employers start to own the way work (leadership styles, workplace culture and expectations) impacts health, all the help we provide to our employees, whether through wellness programs or (as in the case in Canada) through a publicly funded Medicare services, will only be a band aide on a problem that both anecdotally, and statistically, is growing ever more critical.