I have spent far too much of my life pretending to be comfortable in environments I am not - how about you?  In the past, my professional trade-offs were around likeability, thinking that was the way to fill my desire for secure employment.  “A relationship cannot be expected to fulfill all our needs; it only shows them to us and makes a modest contribution to their fulfillment.” (David Richo, How To be An Adult in Relationships, page 25).  Truth bomb, you can be laid off even when your organization likes your work.  Everyone needs to earn a living, so becoming attached to making relationships at work, work, is very human, but it doesn’t guarantee an organization can always afford to pay you.  The ability to love yourself in your chosen field is what allows you to be resilient in a labour market that is often unpredictable. 

If you don’t feel comfortable in your own skin, you will never be made whole by the esteem and love (professional or otherwise) of others in your work.  Even intimate partner relationships can only help fulfill 25% of our needs (another fact from David Richo’s powerful book).  The rest comes from a network of interpersonal relationships you hold with family, friends, colleagues – and the majority of it coming from the relationship you hold with yourself.  When you get your head wrapped around the fact that others cannot make you more secure, talented, or whole when you don’t feel that way about yourself, you have work to do. 

In my case, when I stopped caring so much about others liking me (especially as that is not in my power), and leaned into the need to be at peace with myself (and doing the necessary work to make that happen), a beautiful thing happened.  Others were more able to connect with me, allowing me to more easily build reliable relationships that support work I love.  My gifts and skills are now more accessible to others, and as a result I am more employable in a greater number of contexts (and less reliant on any one employer).

I fight the demons that tell me I am not enough every day.  They live inside me, and may always be there, but now they are held “in check” through self-acceptance and a growing understanding of my needs and how to meet them.  I now thrive without consistent affirmation from others in my work and, ironically, when I stopped seeking it, more consistent affirmation found me.  Loving yourself in your own life and work is what empowers true belonging.

“To trust ourselves does not mean we can be sure we will face life without fear, attachment, control, or entitlement.  To trust ourselves means that we surrender to being exactly who we are in each moment and that mindful awareness will kick in to show us an alternative to our ego habits.” – David Richo

Here is some gritty truth; I struggle with this time of year.  While the natural world takes advantage of the diminished light and curls up to restore itself through rest, humankind is barraged by exercise videos, diet plans, tightened budgets, and all manner of reminders of how we are not enough.  In essence, I find January to be a month of judgement. During these dark days, I feel bereft, like I’ve lost my light, the one I depend on to let me know I am OK.  Sadly, I do this to myself, focusing on goals not achieved, on my clothing size, credit card debt…just about everything you can pick at yourself for, and ensure an excruciatingly unobjective self-evaluation.  Can you relate?

Judgment does this, particularly self-judgement.  Objectivity is hard to maintain when there are prompts everywhere pointing to what you might lack – as a species we are wired to compare ourselves, our circumstances, and our results, to those of others.  It’s an act of self-preservation that was much needed when millennia ago we had to fight to ensure scarce resources (like food and water) were shared fairly within the tribe, but now in a digital age asserts itself as FOMO, comparison and shame.

Objectivity is an easy concept, but a difficult practice; yet one that gives us access to self-love.  Objectivity has the power to elevate your strengths, the things you have in hand that support your light, your fight, your well-being and your amazing potential.  It is all inside of you, perhaps right now it is hibernating as nature intends.  Wake it up.  It is time to be more than fair to yourself, to hear the self-judgment and to assert your objectivity in the face of it – you are more than your perceived flaws. 

Gratitude is a path that provides clear-headed and objective thoughts about who you are, empowering you to move from a place of what you have, rather than what you think you are missing.  Introspection is a brave and necessary act, but it often looks at the past – a place you cannot alter or change.  Within the acknowledgement and acceptance of your deficiencies are the bones of your strength (“I may not be where I want to be…yet”).  Listen, learn, accept (without judgment) to understand how you identify yourself is core to your way of being.  Gratitude keeps you in touch with all the ways you have, and are, enough.  Seek this light inside of you in these darker days, and you will feel your strength hold you, supporting you while you continue to become the truest, most whole version of yourself.

 “i hope that in twenty-twenty you become fluent in self-love.  i hope that this time next year you know your worth like it’s your mother tongue.” s.r.w.

Hopefully you are reading this curled up at home, enjoying the warm afterglow of the holidays and looking forward to what the New Year will bring.  New Year’s is often bitter sweet for me; it signals the end of the holiday season (here in North America), and a return to work (with the next break very far off in the distance).  It can be overwhelming to think of all the things I want to change in the next year, and the barrage of suggestions from social media and magazines doesn’t always bring comfort.

So, may I suggest the un-resolution list?  This is the list of things you did that went well last year; decisions you made, new habits you formed, self-care practices, etc.  A list of the things that you enjoyed, felt right, and contributed to your wellness and wholeness last year.  This is a powerful list to compose for yourself – it doesn’t have to be long (although if you give yourself a bit of time, a glass of something good and some soft music playing in the background I’ll bet your list grows longer then you thought it could).  Once you have it, make a commitment to do more of those things in this New Year.

The un-resolution list is a fabulous way to support yourself going forward, because these are things you already know how to do, and you know they work.  Give yourself permission to enjoy all of the potential your career and life have to offer you.  Work to live, not live to work.

2020’s resource focus will be on wholeness.  I’ll explore topics from building healthy boundaries to career development planning; emotional intelligence in real life, to listening to what our own bodies are trying to tell us.  Essentially, putting working life needs front and center, so you can focus on actioning your un-resolution list.  Along the way I’ll share valuable resources and, of course, weekly blogs allowing us to travel this path together.

Lists grow long during times of celebration in our lives. From deadlines at work to meet the calendar year-end, to the long list of things you want to remember for family gatherings and special recognition of the one’s you love.  Quick question; are you making this season about your list, or the people on it?

Can you remember what you received as gifts last year?  Or what food was served on New Year’s Eve?  Likely there are one or two things that stand out from previous year’s celebrations, but they are not likely to be material things.  Social convention can quickly feed into the more material aspects of celebration; the best food, the perfect gifts, presenting a “camera ready” home.  Yet, in the end, it is kindness that is remembered, the majority of the rest becomes “debt debris” on your credit card.

Maya Angelou offers great wisdom to hold close at this time of year: “I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”  How do you make the people around you feel?  How would you like to make them feel?  Make time for the little things, the kind word, small gesture, reassuring smile or an offer to sit and chat.  While purchasing someone the gift they mentioned creates a lovely response, it is not as remarkable as kindness (and while kindness is a gift, it doesn’t mean you have to buy something to be kind). 

From doing something thoughtful for a boss, co-worker or a friend (like letting them know how they’ve contributed to more meaning in your working life), to making time for loved one’s over the holiday season (being spontaneous, inviting them in even if the house isn’t tidy), these are the things that make a difference and will be remembered. Rather than a list of things you want to do this holiday season, make a new list.  A list of how you want to feel (and how you’d like to contribute to making others feel) – that list will put you right in the path of kindness.  It’s the little things that make a big difference.  

At this time of year, we are focused on acts of giving, but there is an important counter-action to giving; receiving.  It may seem counter-intuitive, but the act of receiving is a complicated one, yet one that is worth examining as we head into the season of giving.  On the surface it seems easy enough, someone gives you something and you express gratitude, and the majority of time that may be exactly what happens.  However, how well do you receive a compliment? 

It is not always comfortable to acknowledge a compliment; sometimes receiving is a complex action because the gift (anything from a smile to a compliment) takes you by surprise, or receiving it requires something of you that you may not have available (which is no reflection on the gift giver).  For a variety of reasons, you may feel uncomfortable or even unwilling to receive what is being offered, even though it may be given in a heartfelt way.  Receiving requires an act of self-confidence, an act of celebration, honouring your worth thorough the kind intentions of others.

The next time someone compliments your work, check in to see how that makes you feel.  Ashamed (I am not worthy of this compliment)?  Vulnerable (I do that well, but there is so much else I need to fix)?  Something else that you’d rather not feel (put your words here…).  This is a sign you are not able to let your hard work, worth, value or the difference you make, touch you.  When you don’t let what you do for a living touch you, you are unable to let your work nourish you, contributing to depletion and burnout.  Practice receiving a compliment; smile and say a heartfelt “Thank-you”.  That is all that is required, and then feel the warmth your acknowledgement brings to both you and the gift giver.

While a lot of societal value is placed on giving, receiving is an equally important act because it is necessary for giving to take place in a meaningful way.  As you head into the final days of 2019, reflect on your ability to receive as a mirror of your own self-confidence, and the value your awareness here may hold for yourself in owning your gifts.  Consider the importance of understanding your gifts, and letting them sustain you – it’s not like compliments come every day.  It begins with the act of heart-felt receiving, creating shared meaning and warmth at a time when we all may need it most.
 
“At the deepest level, there is no giver, no gift, and no recipient... only the universe rearranging itself.” - Jon Kabbat-Zinn

I am a fan of the movie “It’s a Wonderful Life” (1946 produced by Frank Capra, starring James Stewart).  We watch it as a family every Christmas (if you prefer to read, it’s based on the short story The Greatest Gift, written by Philip Van Doren Stern in 1939).  The movie’s premise is based on a man who does his best, has dreams he’s never been able to realize, is having a really bad time at work, and begins to believe he is of no value to this world; contemplating ending his own life.  An angel, (a comedic one at that, lest this whole thing get too heavy for holiday consumption) comes to show him how he has made an enormous, and unknowing, difference in the lives of others, and how the world would have been a much darker place had he never been born.

What would this world have been like without your special self?  You bring something unique into this world simply by being here.  What is it?  How does your smile light up a room (or a bad day for a perfect stranger)?  How does your commitment to your values make the world a better place (yes, there is something you do regularly that makes the world a better place, listen to your angel on this :-)?  It would be nice to have the larger-than-life examples seen in the movie, but they aren’t necessary – you don’t have to have saved a life to be special (you are not in Hollywood after all).

We all make unknowing contributions to others.  A kind word, a well-placed compliment. A belief in someone’s abilities (when they were unsure of them themselves).  What are the small, everyday acts you do (without even thinking about them) that make a difference to others, a difference they may not be able to put their finger on, but that they would miss if you were not in their lives?  What is it about your values and commitments that contributes to things larger than yourself? Things that will stand well beyond your direct contributions, playing a simple, but tangible part in the lives of others?  As parents we bring life into this world; as caregivers, we nurture life (young and old) – these are no small acts. 

You make a difference and you are enough.  There are many things to point to that you may wish to do better or more consistently; it is the easiest thing in the world to find flaws and lack (a convenient way out of the vulnerability that arises when you are asked to own your gifts).  This is not about those things; this is about the other things, the blessing you are, the things that make a difference because your precious life is here with us today.

You are a gift, open up and be present to the difference you make.  You are a wonderful life.

It was a stunning revelation to me, on my own journey of self-awareness, that I had been making decisions in multiple facets of my life from a place of fear, rather than a place of trust.  It was pervasive in my life (in things big and small).  I simply did not trust myself enough to make decisions based on faith in myself.  This will surprise anyone who knows me, because I projected a lot of ease and confidence during this period.  And the Oscar for best interpretation of a strong confident woman goes to…

Making it worse is that in moving from a place of fear (unconsciously expecting the worst…of myself), I was also making assumptions, and telling myself stories, that reinforced that fear and lack of faith.  Rather than being curious about whether what I feared was probable or not, it became just the way I operated – keeping myself in a constant state of low-grade fear.  It’s a subtle and tricky thing, but now that I can see it, I cannot un-see it.  It also explains a lot of what has happened in my career; results I didn’t get (even though I nearly killed myself trying to achieve them), interpersonal exchanges that didn’t go well, even though that was not my intention.

I once sat in a one-on-one meeting trying to manage my words so the other person wouldn’t blow up at me, and then causing a blow-up anyway because I wasn’t speaking enough.  I knew this person was difficult going in, it was my fear of not being able to hold my temper that disconnected me from the skills I had to manage that exchange, for both of us.  Moving from a place of fear put me immediately off balance, and left me at a high risk of being reactionary.  It also reinforced the narrative that I was not enough.  Here is the irony, being someone else in that conversation (an imposter) was what put me at risk in the first place.  If I had acknowledged what I was concerned about (my temper), giving myself compassion (confirming I was more than my temper, I was enough), I could have trusted myself and there would have been a much better outcome. Too bad I made the real me sit on the bench.  Well, no more.

Real change happened when I started checking in to see where I was making my moves from – fear, or faith in myself.  Doing this means I am more prepared to meet life head-on, rather than playing defense (being disconnected from myself, my gifts).  I have survived 100% of my worst days; I am under no illusions, there are more challenges coming, I can tell you with 100% certainty I will manage those too.  Not perfectly, but from a place of faith in myself that allows me to be more fully present for my needs, and the needs of those I work with and love.

I am no longer some version of me I think the word wants to see, I am the real me and I no longer mind what the word thinks of that:  my intentions are kind and I am enough.  Ditch the imposter syndrome and let yourself thrive.

Working from home is both a current, and emerging, business practice.  You still see jokes and memes about “working from home” on social media (implying no real work is being done), yet it is a rising trend.  What opportunities do you have to work from a more convenient location?  It can be the answer to getting more balance in your work and life.  I first began working from home during periods where I needed to do a lot of focus work; report writing, number crunching and data analysis.  It was great to be able to sequester myself someplace where no one would find me, turn off the notifications on my laptop (and turn on my Out of Office) allowing me to happily work away…in my sweat pants.  The first few times I worked from home I felt both free, and a little bit guilty, as I snuck in a load of laundry and threw dinner into the crock pot.

Quick chores included, I worked more hours in a day from home then I normally did in the office, and they were highly productive hours.  My role at the time required me to be on-site at work, and I loved that too, but it was nice to have the option to work from home when I was trying to meet a deadline.  Fast-forward a few years, and working from a location other than the office is more prevalent and better understood; more employers are open to the idea of staff working a day a week or more from another location, and many employees are embracing the upside of having this flexibility.

Even if you’ve decided working from home isn’t your favourite mode, it can offer benefits for balance.  During inclement weather when your commute time may double (or triple), working from home means you don’t lose time (and you skip the frustration of a brutal commute).  The change of scenery (and of pace) has many benefits as well, allowing you to get some much-needed traction on focus-work, while also feeling like you are staying on top of things in your life (news flash – you don’t need to feel guilty about getting non-work things done during work hours…no one cares as long as the work itself gets done).  I’ve also found it helped when I needed to be with a recuperating loved one, allowing me to both be there for them and keep on top of e-mail.

Far from being a perk, working remotely is an option many employers will rely on in the future, to reduce the cost of doing business. It also has a good-news story for the environment (fewer emissions).  Outside of the benefits to organizations, there are benefits working outside of the office offers you.  A chance to breathe, to catch-up, reduce distractions and interruptions and look after yourself and/or your household, all at the same time.  What could your potential do with turning your commute into productive time? What are the benefits to putting in a full and useful day AND having taken the dog for a walk at lunch?  Think about the ways this benefits you, and plan for it in your work life.  Then watch it nourish your potential.

I have a lot of roles in life.  Chief Procurement Officer, Chef, Taxi Service, Financial Planner, Laundress, Maid, Care Provider.  I switch in and out of these roles more times a day than I can count.  And that isn’t even my work life.  We all hold many different roles in our lives, and it can be both rewarding and exhausting.  In our work there are more and more tools coming on-line that help us to manage tasks and work, in ways big and small.  I have a tool to help me manage my cash-flow, my projects, my appointments.  But at home, things have remained decidedly “analog”, needing “hands on” and time.

Making skillful requests that support your well-being can be a challenge.  It may sometimes feel like a personal failure that you can’t get it all done… always a last-minute scramble of some kind.  From handing in the quality level of work you know you are capable of, to living up to your own expectations at home (as a spouse, parent, friend, etc.) what is often called for is a step back to look at the bigger picture.

Whose standards are these?  Our potential helps us to achieve so many things, but just because we can see how well something can be done, doesn’t mean we should be investing the time to make it so on the first go.  Professionally, you may have time to evolve the work to eventually get to that nirvana place that looks like you originally envisioned (it doesn’t have to be there in the first draft). At home, unhooking yourself from the expectations set in magazines, social media and TV is also key.  Yes, it would be beautiful to have an immaculate table set with hand-made place cards and matching linens.  If the point is to enjoy each other’s company, do you really need all that stuff?

Our standards are one place to look to give ourselves a break, asking for help is another.  How comfortable are you asking for help (at work or at home)? It is responsible to have your half-grown kids do their own laundry, learning to do something that is the definition of life skill.  It is strategic to let your boss know when a deadline is unreasonable as you spend more time understanding how much work is involved.  You are the only person who can objectively look at what you have on your plate, and then work with others to manage it in ways that allow everyone to be successful.  Killing yourself to do everything keeps your work and efforts invisible, and ensures you are not fully appreciated for what you do.

Asking for help, before you have hit a wall, are frustrated, or resentful, means you can source this from a healthy place, and make reasonable requests that others can engage in, increasing the chances that you’ll get what you need.  Take a key step towards your well-being; consider, and then ask for, what you need to better balance the commitments in your life.