Emotions are happening to us all the time (whether we want them to or not).  It’s part of the human condition, and while many of us may say we are really good at compartmentalizing or managing our emotions, that still means we are experiencing them – they don’t go anywhere.

Let’s be honest, we’re talking about the emotions we don’t want, the unhappy, anxious, stress-inducing, angry, edgy, verge-of-tears type of emotions that no one wants to express publicly (or sometimes even privately).  We welcome the happy ones; they are so much easier to manage!  We feel we have more control over their expression, or, if we are really happy, excited, pleased, joyous, etc. the folks around us will be more accepting of seeing, even sharing, these emotions with us.

Our first hurdle is that we label emotions as either bad or good – like there is a “lower class” of feelings that really don’t deserve expression.  Emotions are actually neither positive nor negative, it is our belief system, and the interpretation of our emotions through beliefs, that bring into play this “good/bad” bias.  Emotions are simply a call to action, a way to get our attention when it needs to be directed towards something important.

So, what to do with those unwanted emotions that have a way of surfacing when we least expect it, or want them to?  Here is a guide to help you out:

Worry comes in many forms.  We worry that the kids may be getting sick (right before a family vacation), we worry about how we are perceived by others, and what the e-mail from your boss is all about (curse you e-mail pre-header pop-up!!!).  Worry is a constant for everyone (and different from anxiety, which is a whole other level), it is one of the things that is hard-wired into the human psyche because it is a call to action.  Without worry our deadlines would likely not be met, bills paid, or precautions taken.  Worry can be a healthy thing.

Worry comes in two types; the kind you can do something with and the kind you can’t.  Worrying about whether or not you will have relevant skills in the job market 30 years from now is an example of the type of worry you can do nothing about – you have no control over what the job market will look like then.  Worrying about whether you’ve got all your figures correctly represented in a presentation you are giving this week is the kind of worry you can do something about.  In fact, that kind of worry shows how much you care about your work and your organization, so give yourself a “high-five” for being a good person before putting your head down to double check your work.

The question is not what to do with the worry you can do something with, it’s what to do with all the worry you can do nothing about.  The worry that makes itself at home in your mind and isn’t easily dismissed or quieted.  The first thing to do with it is name it; worry.  Just like that.  Then to consider if it is constructive worry (something you can control) or unconstructive worry (something over which you have little to no control).  This helps you to apply discernment, leading you to take the action needed to dispel the worry (of note, worry itself is not an action, it is a state of mind).  Once you’ve identified something as an unconstructive worry there are a few things to think about.  This type of worry doesn’t actually have any benefit, it just sucks energy.  And while we are busy worrying away about something we cannot change or control, we are missing out on something else that may be of benefit to us in the present moment.  So, ask yourself if worrying about this will help you in any way?  If you worry about this now, what is passing you by?

The more often you name your worry, and the more often you examine your unconstructive worry, the better you become at putting it aside and living more in the present moment (it takes practice).  The present moment has a lot to offer you, like enjoying your commute (the sunshine, the trees leafing out, or the music on the radio) or a shower/bath (feeling the care you are giving to yourself, the warm water soothing your skin, the smell of your shampoo or the way the bubbles swirl into the drain).  It lets your mind rest and be ready for the next call to action when you do need to step back into the arena of life.

Give yourself the break you deserve.

Change is something that is constant.  Our lives never really stay the same, from altering our commute due to construction, to our beautiful aging bodies, we have a constant parade of change going on in our lives.  So, you’d think a welcome change we are trying to make for ourselves would be easy, right? 

"...when this system feels something costs too much energy, it signals our bodies to resist."

Sometimes. It depends of the size and scope of the change.  Upgrading to a new type of soap isn’t as demanding (energetically speaking) as upgrading to new e-mail software.  And that is at the heart of all change, the energy investment it takes to make the shift.  In addition to the mental investment needed to consciously do something new, we also have a system inside of us (called the limbic system) that is constantly monitoring what it “costs” us to do something.  The structures and interacting areas of the limbic system are involved in motivation, emotion, learning, and memory, so when this system feels something costs too much energy, it signals our bodies to resist.  Not our brain, our body.  It is an autonomous function that does not require conscious thought – it just happens.

"We pay attention to what is happening in our body when we are making changes in our life and use this awareness to our advantage."

What does all this mean?  It means the act of mentally choosing to change a behaviour requires us to re-wire our brains (the neural pathways associated with a specific task or action, like bypassing the sugar bowl at breakfast rather than dipping into it) AND rewire our bodies.  So how do we do that?  We pay attention to what is happening in our body when we are making changes in our life and use this awareness to our advantage.

"...yet as I contemplate my choices there is a subtle tension that arises in the muscles in my upper body..."

I’ll give you an example. I’m often at the mercy of drive-thru food for a mid-day meal.  When confronted with the menu board it’s easy to make poor dietary choices.  However, at many fast food joints there are one or two menu items that offer better nutrition, and yet as I contemplate my choices there is a subtle tension that arises in the muscles in my upper body.  These muscles relax when I contemplate the “usual” calorie loaded choice, and subtly flex again as I consider the less exciting but more nutritional choice.  Some of this is happening in my brain (“I really want that sugar-infused drink with my meal …but know I should opt for water instead) but some of it is the limbic system pushing me towards the usual choice so as to just get on with it and refuel, rather than burn more fuel figuring out how to make the “right” choice.

"...if I connect to what my body is signaling while I am in the midst of making a change, I can see what is going on and instead choose something new..."

Check it out for yourself using a change you are in the midst of making; what does your body do as you make the shift?  This is why it’s important to stay connected with what your body is feeling, and acknowledge the tension, or emotion, that is stored there.  Continuing with my example, if I connect to what my body is signaling while I am in the midst of making a change, I can see what is going on and instead choose something new, rather than caving in to the old pattern.  I can say “Hello limbic system, thanks for looking out for me and guiding me to make the quick and sure choice.  I know you’ll like this choice much better in the long term, and together we’ll make this a new pattern”.  It takes intention, consistency and time to make changes, ensure you attend to both your body and your brain when you embark on them and you’ll have a greater chance at success.

A way to get realistic about what will get done in the time that you have.

A few weeks ago in one of my Hello Monday videos (titled Working for “Free”?) I spoke about the time you may be “gifting” to your employer.  We give our time voluntarily for many reasons, but sometimes the scope creep of this gifted time is detrimental to our well-being (during a busy period, or over the long term).

Optimism bias is a real thing, and every human has it (yes, even the pessimists).  It is one of the reasons you keep going, despite the many challenges in your day (which is why it is baked into the human operating system). Optimism bias may also keep us from recognizing the impact of scope creep when our working life eats into our personal life.  Being objective about the hours you work, and what fits into those hours (realistically), is important, both at home AND at work. 

Do the math.  Take a look at the work you are accountable for delivering.  Estimate the hours it will realistically take to complete (best guess).  Next, calculate the number of work hours you have in the period you need to complete the work (i.e. a week, or a month).  Use the working hours you are paid for in that period, not the ones you “volunteer”.  Subtract from that number any statutory holidays, outside appointments or vacation time you know is booked.  Now, subtract from that total the number of hours you are in meetings or are already committed to something else at work.  That is your “real” number of hours available to work.  Take the number of hours needed to deliver your work minus the number of hours you actually have to work on those things. 

Example (weekly average for a 3-month planning window):
Time available (40 hrs/week)
            MINUS, Time unavailable (average of 2.5 hrs/week)
            EQUALS Time available/week = 37.5 hrs/week
 
Promised/committed work (32 hrs/week)
            PLUS, Time booked in meetings (18hrs/week)
            EQUALS Time utilized/week = 50 hrs/week
                       
DEFICIT = 12.5 hrs/week

Feeling optimistic?  Do the math because it makes possible a new conversation about which items matter at work, and which ones can wait.  When you have the figures, ask yourself what can get completed with a positive impact in the time you have?  What needs to shift?  Who can help you shift it?  What conversations do you need to initiate to help others see what is, and is not, going to be completed in the time you have to do this work?

This week an article appeared in the CBC news feed titled Workplace Wellness Returns Few Benefits.  It speaks to a study in the U. S. that looked at the return on investment for wellness initiatives at work and whether these initiatives are actually helping employees.  The outcome of the study was not positive.  This is the first published study of its kind and the researchers state strongly that more research needs to be done.  What I found interesting is it solely focused on giving employees access to more benefits (benefits by the way that many of us enjoy in Canada through group insurance or Medicare), like dieticians and other health care providers, and how it didn’t actually lower the costs of company-paid medical benefits, nor did it have any clinically measurable impact on the health of the employees (as compared to a control group without the additional support in the same organization).  It did not measure employee performance outcomes (i.e. sales and service for the locations with the increased benefits), revenue generated, nor did it baseline or determine the level of stress in the workplace itself (and its impact on employees) before beginning the study.

I juxtapose the article in CBC with a recent article from the Stanford School of Business titled The Workplace is Killing People, and Nobody Cares which is based on the work of Jeffery Pfeffer in his book Dying For a Paycheck.  Pfeffer’s book takes the position that more research is being conducted on the impact of stress and human well-being …and the causes of the stress that is impacting people’s health.  Shooting up the list of causes (beating out poor diet and exercise) is …you guessed it, work.  To quote Pfeffer “I look out at the workplace and I see stress, layoffs, longer hours, work-family conflict, enormous amounts of economic insecurity. I see a workplace that has become shockingly inhumane.” 

I mention these articles because increasing employee health and welfare at work is not an isolated responsibility that only employees own; it’s a partnership.  While employees have choices they can make to sustain, or increase, their physiological and mental health (including talking to their employer about what they need), everyone needs to make a living and many will do so in an environment that has negative consequences for their health.  From punishing commutes to feeling insecure at work, the levels of stress in the workplace are rising and have been for some time.  No one wants to put their livelihood in jeopardy; many remain in stressful environments out of fear of the consequences if they don’t.

Not everyone’s workplace is toxic, or the biggest cause of stress in their lives; clearly a lot more research needs to be done to determine what the right actions are to address both the health care crisis in our societies, and the well-being crisis in our workplaces.  However, one thing stood out in reading these two articles together.  Until employers start to own the way work (leadership styles, workplace culture and expectations) impacts health, all the help we provide to our employees, whether through wellness programs or (as in the case in Canada) through a publicly funded Medicare services, will only be a band aide on a problem that both anecdotally, and statistically, is growing ever more critical.

Very few of us are “born” knowing what it is we want to do or be in our life.  We are all gifted, talented and worthy, but no one is birthed into this world to be an Accountant (or any other profession).  Knowing what we want to do “when we grow up” is a stress-inducing question – like we should just “know”.  We are taught how to be successful and independent but somewhere along the way the lessons on how to be intentional in what we choose to do for a living are missing.

Many of us “fall into” careers, we pursue academic and career interests and eventually hit our 20’s and 30’s and need to settle on something.  So, we look around and pick from the most available options to us because we have this imperative to make a decision about our career, and then choose the option that offers us the least amount of discomfort for what we think we want.  Usually what we choose to pursue isn’t too far off the path of work that we will find satisfying, but when you “fall into” what you do professionally it still leaves a lot of questions marks as to whether or not this is the deepest expression of what you are meant to do in life. 

So how do we choose a career intentionally?  It can happen at any point in your working life, but it does require looking at things in a new and different ways.  Behavioural science tells us that when we make decisions, we are usually trying to decide between two different options; as in the example of “falling” into a career, the decision is often between what you are doing today and what you think you would enjoy more …and is ready to hand.  However, to make an intentional decision you need to look more broadly at your options, and then do some research to explore them.

Intention also requires us to think of the path less travelled, the “rogue” option, the one that scares you the most, the one that isn’t a “sure thing”.  In order to make really strong decisions, we should have 3 viable options to consider, because in doing so it broadens our discussions, considerations and thinking.  You are not likely going to choose to become a rock star (leaving your secure 9-5, pension and benefits), but in throwing that rouge option into the mix, you start to get a better feel for what you really need and want included in your life (which may mean you choose a career option that supports the time and resources to play in a local band on the weekends). 

When we make intentional decisions, we don’t automatically go for the easiest or most obvious choice, we don’t “settle”.  We also discover more of who we want to be in life and we build for ourselves the template we need to make strong decisions that continue to support our intentions.  This allows us to feel good about what we are committing to, living our values through our work and creating emotional resilience for when the inevitable bad experiences come.

Think about someone in your life whom you admire and respect.  Likely they have had the opportunity to get intentional about what it is they are doing and how they share it with the world …they are probably happy and enjoyable to be around too.

Resilience is defined as the ability to adjust to, or recover from, misfortune.  Within this there are two parts; your immediate reaction to the misfortune and the way you manage yourself afterwards.  We need to be resilient in “moments” (like when your boss says you can no longer have Friday off) as well as during longer life events, like health circumstances and relationships.  Resilience is important to cultivate because we don’t control a lot of what happens to us in life, we can only control ourselves.

Resilient people continually work on these five things to build, and maintain this competence.  Take a look, there are likely some you are working on too, and others that could use some love. Here is the good news, working on any one of these items will ensure you have more resilience at your fingertips.

Resilience is consistent when you have strong and healthy relationship with yourself.  This includes having a healthy degree of self-confidence, living a “big life plan” (providing you with long-term meaning and purpose) and being able to identify your emotions as they emerge, allowing you to choose how you respond when “life” happens.  Don’t worry, no one has them all figured out all the time.  What is key here is understanding what kind of relationship you want to have with yourself, and actively working on it, so you are there to support yourself when you need it most.

Resilience is present when you can be your best self, living and expressing your values and principles.  This is how resilience shows up when you interact with others, including how you express yourself (words, tone, body language, etc.), how assertive (note this is different from aggressive) you are when you need to be, and how independent you are when there is a lot of emotional pressure to do/not do something (at work or at home).  How are you experienced by others?  This is all about self-awareness, understanding how you are perceived by others and having the good sense to know what to change, and what is working just fine (even if others may not like it).

Resilience is accessible when you can lean on the relationships you’ve built around you (both personal and professional).  We all need people to lean on, and to celebrate with.  Resilience here involves being able to put yourself in the headspace of another person, listening to what they are experiencing (without adding your personal view or story) and being there in helpful ways, even when it may not directly benefit you.  This one is about both leaning in, and giving back, to the community of people you interact with every day.  How much do you let others in?  Having a support network consistently present in your life can help you enjoy the good times, and overcome the bad times.

Resilience is actionable when you trust and use your intuition.  Everyone makes hundreds of decisions in a day; it’s feeling confident about how we solve problems that allows us to feel resilient.  This involves accessing objectivity, looking for the “what else” that is important to consider before acting.  It also involves a degree of impulse control, allowing us to be responsive, rather than reactionary (keeping ourselves from doing something that just makes things worse and we will regret).

Resilience supports us when we are suffering.  It allows us to be our best selves, even under trying circumstances, giving us the mental breathing room to take a few moments and gather our thoughts, allowing us to be flexible so our minds leave room for options.  These things also maintain our ability to be optimistic, trusting that when we do our best with good intentions, it will all work out in the end, which supports our well-being.

You don’t have to have these all figured out. Continuing to be aware of what supports your resilience, and actively working on what will benefit you in building this competency, is exactly the right step.  In reading this, you are right where you need to be.
“Life doesn’t get easier or more forgiving; we get stronger and more resilient.” Dr. Steve Maraboli.

.Performance conversations often don’t feel like a level playing field; your manager holds all the cards as she/he imparts to you how your performance was perceived over the past review period.  Truthfully (and I can attest to this from both sides of the desk), no one really looks forward to these conversations (management or employees).  From a necessary pain in the neck to a more hopeful and aspirational intention, performance conversations are hard for everyone.  There are inherent flaws in performance management that cannot seem to be “designed out”. The first is that it is nearly impossible to “summarize” someone’s performance (in a quarter or a year) in a few succinct statements or paragraphs, never mind qualifying it with a word, or a number, on a pre-set scale.  Human beings are vast and complex and there is (to date) no measurement scale that will do anyone’s hard work justice.

So, what is the point of all the performance management systems and rating scales?  The point of all of it is to have real, clear, useful conversations where everyone leaves with the same understanding.  Ultimately it is to support the effectiveness and development of employees (and by extension, their managers) …but it sure doesn’t feel like that is the point.  From determining compensation through to promotion possibilities, there is a lot riding on performance conversations.

Don’t be a passenger in this process.  You are the expert on you, and the only one who was right there, with a front row seat, on every aspect of your performance.  Prepare for this conversation.  You may have already done some of this if your organization uses a self-review process.  Go over your calendar, write down two things; your results over the review period and the impact of those results.  Completed all work assignments on time?  Great, that is what they hired you for, what was the impact?  Impact is a rich place to find what differentiates you from your job description, helping you to showcase how you went above and beyond and why that was beneficial to your team/organization (as the saying goes, it’s not what you have, it’s what you do with it that counts).  Do this not in an attempt to defend yourself from something, but in an open, honest and objective way that will help to remind both you and your manager of what you accomplished in the period.

Be ready to receive constructive, as well as positive, feedback.  If your manager gives you a glowing review, with no opportunities to improve or to grow, he or she lacks skill in this process.   You are an abundance of potential, and because of that a good manager will challenge you to up your game (in a healthy and constructive way).  In so doing she or he will also provide support to give you what you need to do so (mentorship, training, education, time, etc.).

Performance reviews are excruciating.  We come up against our greatest fears and vulnerabilities and go into this process with gritted teeth, waiting for it to be over (and that is on both sides of the desk).  What if you set an intention to make this process work for you?  To come prepared with your results, impacts and opportunities for development.  Go into this conversation with an open mind that is ready to discuss differences in perceptions, to arrive at common understanding that strengthens this relationship and allows you to be more effective moving forward.  What if you took on ownership of this (and every) performance conversation? What would it do for your potential?

How do you take in the world around you?  We have two main modes of making sense of what is happening around us, our senses and our thoughts.  These are often used together, so it can be difficult to separate the two, yet there is value in understanding the habitual ways you interface with life and which of these two modes is influencing your experience.

Take your senses, they give you a lot of rich information.  As an example, when you first arrive at work you may be able to hear others arriving, saying “hello” to each other or the sounds of people putting their bags down, taking off jackets (zippp).  You may be able to smell someone’s coffee.  Maybe someone grabbed a fresh cinnamon bun on their way into work (ummmmm the smell of warm pastry with the unmistakable hit of spice).  These are all things you take in with your senses and it can be relaxing to sink into a sensory mode, enjoying the tableau this has to offer.  No thought or thinking, a present and natural way to take in the living “art” around you at work.

And then your phone rings, breaking you out of the “moment” and into thinking.  You wonder “Who is calling?  Is it urgent?”  The lingering smell of cinnamon reminds you that you are getting hungry.  You consider getting something to eat and then remember you have a meeting in 10 minutes so there is no time …oh and you had better go over that information you were sent yesterday prior to heading into the meeting.  You wonder if your colleague is in yet, because you have a few questions for her and want to squeeze that in before you go (it’s the only time you’ll catch her today).

Feel the difference?  Of course, we cannot stay in the sensory world all the time, especially at work.  Yet it is this world we lose touch with so quickly in our lives.  Seasons change and you barely notice the show nature is putting on outside.  Lists, “to do’s”, things need to be planned and done, and considered and discussed…we are each accountable for a lot in our lives; work, family, home.  So, which of these modes gets priority in your life?  How would it benefit your work and career to be more in the moment for yourself and others?

I have a friend who is wonderful at weaving these two modes together.  When you see him, he’ll get you excited about the food he can smell being prepared in the cafeteria, begin a guessing game to see what favourite they are making for lunch.  He does this in a genuine and authentic way that I now see is his way of inviting his sensory experiences deeper into his life.  Working with him is a breath of fresh air.  None of this gets in the way of professional connection, or the work we share.  It is all wrapped up in a beautiful example of someone who is able to balance these two modes …and it just feels good.
What does more balance between sensory and thinking modes have to offer your well-being at work?  Take a moment.  Take a few moments and see if there are opportunities for you to invite more of the richness your senses have to offer you into your day – you may be surprised by the impact the sensory mode has on your productivity and well-being.

“We don’t distinguish sensory objects from the things we think about, and this obscures our experience of the richness and natural beauty of the sensory world. – Andy Karr

Establishing mutual respect, and from there, nurturing trust, requires a commitment to doing things that may not feel comfortable, and may need a lot of emotional energy to carry through.  However, the outcomes include being able to incrementally, build trust and mutual respect with your boss so that when the time comes, you can present an out-of-the-box idea, or a contrasting point of view, and be heard.  This is where all your hard work pays off.

Influence.  A simple word that is also the holy grail of healthy working relationships everywhere.  The ability to get others to think in new and different ways, consider innovative options, or just to listen to you, is not only highly productive for your work, it supports well-being.  There is an “entrance condition” for influence, and that is trust.  You may not like someone personally, but that doesn’t exclude you from being able to trust him/her in the work they do.  Ever worked with someone whose communication style rubbed you the wrong way, but whom you also knew would absolutely hit their deadline?  Trust doesn’t always come dressed in friendship, or even likeability.  It comes from being consistent, communicative and clear.  What this means is you and your boss may not socialize with each other at the next staff bar-b-que, but together you can still be highly effective because you’ve both invested in the work you do for the organization and each other.

Influence requires trust, because before your boss can stick her/his neck out for you, he/she has to know that you are both aligned on what is important and meaningful in the work you do.  This requires you to know what your bosses’ priorities are, and not only the strategic or operational items, but also the way your boss likes to receive information.  Often, we communicate based on how we would like to be communicated to, not how we would like to be received by the listener.  Being able to understand how your boss likes to be communicated with is a highly effective way to continually build trust, and influence.  Does your boss like facts? Start there.  Does he need to know about planning or progress?  Use it.  Is she more concerned about how the work impacts others?  Tell her.  Is your boss intrigued by new ideas and novel approaches to solving problems?  Bring it.  All of these things will be important, but start with what is most important to your boss.  Figuring that out, and using this information in a helpful way, can make the work you do more effective.  This is not always an easy move, but if you spend time listening to the questions your boss asks, and how she/he communicates with your team, you’ll start to see a pattern emerging that can help you to re-orient your communication to better meet his/her needs.  You can also just ask how she/he prefers to receive information – a reasonable request that shows you are invested in your relationship at work.

Managing up doesn’t mean sacrificing your needs, if you feel your boss is being unethical (in word or deed), or is not upholding the values and principles of the organization, then you have an important decision to make.  You will not always be a good fit with your boss, but if there is absolutely nothing upon which to build a relationship that includes mutual respect, then consider what actions you could take (which may include speaking with your bosses’ boss, or looking for a different role). 

Managing up should always be about building and maintaining healthy relationships that are mutually satisfying and empower both parties to be more effective in their roles.  This will require you to practice emotional management (whether you like, or dislike, your boss) and have the hard conversations necessary to course-correct or re-align with each other (remember, your boss will be doing this too).  It also requires self-compassion.  As you learn, be gentle with yourself, mistakes are a part of the learning process. Know that even the journey towards mastering the skill of managing up can lead to increased working life well-being.